If only England were as good at football as we are at media flavours-of-the-month. Because, dear readers, according to Tony Pulis, Mick McCarthy, the tabloid sports press, radio, television and various corners of the internet we’re faced with what could be our biggest threat to the Beautiful Game yet: The Imaginary Card Wave.

Mancini, Rooney, your 8-year-old son (probably), everyone’s at it. What can we do to stop such a sickening, undermining new development to the World’s Best League that’s growing in the very lungs of our game like a cancer? If we don’t act RIGHT NOW, before we all know it it’ll be imaginary parking ticket waving outside the Cash-n-Carry, imaginary P45s waved in the faces of colleagues and subordinates alike, imaginary five pound note waving when someone spills our warm pint of Carlsberg down The Feathers, and then WHERE WILL IT ALL END?

Thinking about it, it’s probably all these bloody foreigners that have come over here and started it, like diving, spitting and I don’t know, being really skilful and actually knowing what to do with the ball when it’s at their feet. I for one am dead against it. I just don’t trust them. I remember football when it was all shirts tucked in and good honest pros plying their trade with passion and a stiff upper lip.

If we’re all honest with ourselves, waving a hand in the air in a vaguely camp way in the general direction of the referee is much worse than a snarling, spittle punctuated tirade in droves right in an official’s face when he’s not given a decision your way. I mean, I for one would certainly prefer to be on the end of threatening bout of orchestrated bullying by a group of younger, stronger alpha males. It’s just more honest, more sincere. There’s nothing underhand about being as subtle as a sledgehammer, is there? We all know WHERE WE STAND.

It’s time to get real. A player sent off for a two footed lunge at full pelt that doesn’t make contact with the opposition player through luck more than judgement can be guaranteed a raft of ex-pros and journalists lining up to defend him, waxing lyrical about how the very fabric of the game is being destroyed and lamenting the fact that the ‘art of tackling’ is being eroded. This is insane. The game is played at a ridiculous pace these days, and as we’ve seen time and again, people get hurt. Like, really hurt.

But get fouled and then wave your hand in the air to signify you’re unhappy and you may as well have walked into Pele’s house on Christmas morning and pissed all over the presents. You’ve not only acted appallingly, you’ve apparently offended the game itself.

Newsflash: It isn’t that bad. Say it back to yourself: ‘Waving a hand in the air isn’t that bad.’ It just isn’t.

One day, the football press and football fans are going to wake up to the fact that there are actually an awful lot of things that need sorting over what is essentially a visual way of asking a referee if he’s going to book or send off a player, something that every single player I’ve ever seen, played with or spoken to has asked at least once in their lives. Racism? Sexism? Homophobia? Corruption? Community-oriented clubs going out of business? Again, it’s time to get real.

God forbid the day that the administrator waves an imaginary winding up order in the face of Darlington FC. I mean then the shit would really hit the fan, wouldn’t it?