I think it’s our duty to build a Jose Mourinho-esque tactical bible guide to the most difficult of oppositions… the opposite sex.

Impart your pearls of wisdom/idiocy, do’s and dont’s, funny stories, shocking stories, etc. here. It’s up to the readers what they do with the information. Whether they be genuine pieces of genius, or Inbetweener’s-esque idiocy.

It seems there are a number of forumers in long-term relationships/marriages & a few who are still dipping their feet in the delight of courting the opposite sex & have the rest of their life to look forward to… or dread.

Are you gonna be a Shaun Wright-Phillips & ignore the advice? Or a model professional such as Paul Scholes, who let’s be honest, Alex Ferguson prefers to his actual son.

Ladies, we want to hear from you too hence the Guide to the Opposite Sex.

I’ll start…

Yesterday I had a genuine moment of romantic brilliance that I’m frankly still surprised I managed to muster. After coming out of the cinema, me & the girlfriend were trying to decide whether to eat at a restaurant, or go home to eat. She favored the restaurant as we were already in town, whereas I preferred home for economic reasons. I then came up with the following line…

“I can cook you something better at home then you’ll get at a restaurant because I’ve got a secret extra ingredient… LOVE.”

It was meant as a joke. The girlfriend subsequently laughed & then “Awwww’ed”. It clinched the deal to go home where I cooked an admittedly average Spag Bol, but we had textbook intercourse.

“I like to hit women during sex… and not during sex.”

Icarus Smicarus - 16 January 2011 02:05 PM

“I like to hit women during sex… and not during sex.”

:D

If you ever get into an argument. Admit you are wrong. It’s easier that way.

Then make sure you have custody of the remote for the next few days.

Get on to Lastminute.com and buy 2 cheap spa days (About £10 each last time I did it) and have the vouchers saved away for use when needed. Then when shes upset, had a hard day in work, annoyed at you or you need an excuse to keep her busy while watch football, go on stag night etc can surprise her with them.

Cheap and easy to arrange but works wonders. You look kind, caring, romantic and considerate. PLUS the other one can be used for her Mum or best mate winning you even more brownie points with them and her

find this. works a treat.

Whatever you’ve done, apologise. Even if you haven’t done anything, still say sorry because then you’ll look like the good guy.

Oh, and before Jonny Gabriel says it, don’t call a girl a “belter”, especially if they and their boyfriend can’t take a joke.

Call a girl a belter. Especially when her boyfriend can’t take a joke, teach the lad a lesson. He’s gotta learn who is boss.

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 16 January 2011 02:54 PM

Call a girl a belter.

Which is immediately preceeded with a NYARGH!

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 16 January 2011 02:54 PM

Call a girl a belter.

Pet-names are a good thing to have in a relationship. In regards to women, meat-related names are a definite turn-on. Women understand that a man appreciates various assortments of meat, and by comparing them as such, what’s you’re effectively saying is “I love you as much as I love steak. And I love steak!”

Various names I’ve used are; “Lamb shank”, “Gammon” and “Pigs’ feet”.

I once approached a pair of twins at a party, and instantly referred to them as a “pair of greasy pork chops”. Within five minutes, I had them both in bed. True story!

Never, ever, say to a woman who you’ve met in a pub;

“you’re hair is such a beautiful colour, why did you dye the roots black”

Her boyfriend will only come looking for you later, (true story).

Edit - Just watching the Everton/Liverpool game leading to the advice;

get as much money as John W.Henry and you to can have a missus that looks like his

Call her a belter and show her your cock.

Job done.

Never sort of get engaged when that wasn’t what you meant to say
Then don’t meet a vicar with her and laugh at the vicar
Don’t call off the wedding when you realise it cannot be put off, and have your friends over that day to watch Wrestlemania

And for god’s sake do not stay with her for a year after that, because it will be hell on earth

When asking for sex never call it ‘Sexy Time’

be mean but don’t be a cunt. it’s a fine line.

TV Party - 16 January 2011 05:05 PM

be mean but don’t be a cunt. it’s a fine line.

ah yes, if she asks what you think of her hair, just reply “maybe it’ll look better tomorrow”.

If she asks if she looks fat say yes and suggest sexercise as a way of remedying the situation.

Body shots don’t leave bruises And are easier to cover up.

Over Christmas, a friend of mine pulled a French lady. He took her back to his house to do the deed. After starting down there, he noticed that she keeps herself ‘unkept’ if you know what I’m saying. He’d already started down, so was caught in two minds to soldier on with what he was doing, or to cunningly (make up your own pun) stop…

He did neither.

Instead he got out of bed, marched to his bathroom. And then came back presenting a razor to the shocked French girl.

The French girl didn’t stay for much longer after that.

When having intercourse ladies enjoy it if you speak to them in football; “Stick it in the box”, “Bringing on the number 69”, “Sliding one into the big two up front”, etc.

This may help

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 16 January 2011 06:33 PM

When having intercourse ladies enjoy it if you speak to them in football; “Stick it in the box”, “Bringing on the number 69”, “Sliding one into the big two up front”, etc.

Or just calling out footballer’s names…

“HAMILTON RICARD.”

Mod Jonny could probably make a thread about stupid things I’ve done regarding women in the last 28 days alone.

Wack a finger in the brown whilst thundering her. They LOVE it!

James Baker - 16 January 2011 08:38 PM

Wack a finger in the brown whilst thundering her. They LOVE it!

or two

Juan Flo Evra The Cocu’s Nesta - 16 January 2011 08:01 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 16 January 2011 06:33 PM

When having intercourse ladies enjoy it if you speak to them in football; “Stick it in the box”, “Bringing on the number 69”, “Sliding one into the big two up front”, etc.

Or just calling out footballer’s names…

“HAMILTON RICARD.”

“KENWYNE JONES” is always a favourite.

Jake Harrison - 16 January 2011 08:48 PM

Juan Flo Evra The Cocu’s Nesta - 16 January 2011 08:01 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 16 January 2011 06:33 PM

When having intercourse ladies enjoy it if you speak to them in football; “Stick it in the box”, “Bringing on the number 69”, “Sliding one into the big two up front”, etc.

Or just calling out footballer’s names…

“HAMILTON RICARD.”

“KENWYNE JONES” is always a favourite.

SAMASSI ABOU

The best way to get in to a girl is to engage her in phone sex, and then when her phone runs out of credit, and she starts texting off of her mum’s phone but insisting that you reply to her own, reply to her mum’s anyway. Sit back and watch things get ‘political’.

kieho - 16 January 2011 09:45 PM

The best way to get in to a girl is to engage her in phone sex, and then when her phone runs out of credit, and she starts texting off of her mum’s phone but insisting that you reply to her own, reply to her mum’s anyway. Sit back and watch things get ‘political’.

LOL.

I’d forgotten about this.

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 16 January 2011 09:54 PM

kieho - 16 January 2011 09:45 PM

The best way to get in to a girl is to engage her in phone sex, and then when her phone runs out of credit, and she starts texting off of her mum’s phone but insisting that you reply to her own, reply to her mum’s anyway. Sit back and watch things get ‘political’.

LOL.

I’d forgotten about this.

See my first post in this thread. NYARGH.

She’s got to be a bit of a dirty bint to be sex txting of her MOTHER’S PHONE.

Well played though, well played.

When a girl tries to tell you she’s not pretty, this is your opportunity to tell her how beautiful she is.

Don’t use the word “fit”; stunning, beautiful, gorgeous etc are much better.

Jake Harrison - 16 January 2011 10:16 PM

When a girl tries to tell you she’s not pretty, this is your opportunity to tell her how beautiful she is.

Don’t use the word “fit”; stunning, beautiful, gorgeous etc are much better.

When a girl tells you she’s not pretty this clearly mean she has low self esteem, try slipping your dick up her ASAP.

Jake Harrison - 16 January 2011 10:16 PM

When a girl tries to tell you she’s not pretty, this is your opportunity to tell her how beautiful she is.

Don’t use the word “fit”; stunning, beautiful, gorgeous etc are much better.

Go on then I dare you

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 16 January 2011 10:20 PM

Jake Harrison - 16 January 2011 10:16 PM

When a girl tries to tell you she’s not pretty, this is your opportunity to tell her how beautiful she is.

Don’t use the word “fit”; stunning, beautiful, gorgeous etc are much better.

When a girl tells you she’s not pretty this clearly mean she has low self esteem, try slipping your dick up her ASAP.

Is that before or after I call her a belter?

Jake Harrison - 16 January 2011 10:24 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 16 January 2011 10:20 PM

Jake Harrison - 16 January 2011 10:16 PM

When a girl tries to tell you she’s not pretty, this is your opportunity to tell her how beautiful she is.

Don’t use the word “fit”; stunning, beautiful, gorgeous etc are much better.

When a girl tells you she’s not pretty this clearly mean she has low self esteem, try slipping your dick up her ASAP.

Is that before or after I call her a belter?

If she doesn’t think she’s pretty then chances are she probably isn’t a belter. Come on Jake, don’t lie to women, that’s disrespectful.

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 16 January 2011 10:26 PM

Jake Harrison - 16 January 2011 10:24 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 16 January 2011 10:20 PM

Jake Harrison - 16 January 2011 10:16 PM

When a girl tries to tell you she’s not pretty, this is your opportunity to tell her how beautiful she is.

Don’t use the word “fit”; stunning, beautiful, gorgeous etc are much better.

When a girl tells you she’s not pretty this clearly mean she has low self esteem, try slipping your dick up her ASAP.

Is that before or after I call her a belter?

If she doesn’t think she’s pretty then chances are she probably isn’t a belter. Come on Jake, don’t lie to women, that’s disrespectful.

But she is pretty. That’s why this is so annoying.

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 16 January 2011 10:26 PM

Jake Harrison - 16 January 2011 10:24 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 16 January 2011 10:20 PM

Jake Harrison - 16 January 2011 10:16 PM

When a girl tries to tell you she’s not pretty, this is your opportunity to tell her how beautiful she is.

Don’t use the word “fit”; stunning, beautiful, gorgeous etc are much better.

When a girl tells you she’s not pretty this clearly mean she has low self esteem, try slipping your dick up her ASAP.

Is that before or after I call her a belter?

If she doesn’t think she’s pretty then chances are she probably isn’t a belter. Come on Jake, don’t lie to women, that’s disrespectful.

If she isn’t a belter don’t try and cover up her face with a plastic bag. She might suffocate.

I got hammered last night and repeatedly called my date a belter. It worked.

Don’t tell knock-knock jokes mid coitus.

kieho - 16 January 2011 10:31 PM

I got hammered last night and repeatedly called my date a belter. It worked.

“This is the first time I’ve ever been took drunk to have sex lo. I am seriously fuckedp”

Jake Harrison - 16 January 2011 10:16 PM

When a girl tries to tell you she’s not pretty, this is your opportunity to tell her how beautiful she is.

Don’t use the word “fit”; stunning, beautiful, gorgeous etc are much better.

Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. Call. Her. A. Belter.