Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 16 January 2011 10:35 PM

kieho - 16 January 2011 10:31 PM

I got hammered last night and repeatedly called my date a belter. It worked.

“This is the first time I’ve ever been took drunk to have sex lo. I am seriously fuckedp”

Other choice selections:

To Joe: “I am more fucked than a Greek bank run by Gary Glitter after a heroin overdose.2

To Gough: “I am uncertain of my ability to maintain an erection.”

God bless predictive text. Let’s not put these on Facebook this week where I am likely to get questioned by my ex… again. LOL.

Sir_Denis_Irwin - 16 January 2011 02:25 PM

Get on to Lastminute.com and buy 2 cheap spa days (About £10 each last time I did it) and have the vouchers saved away for use when needed. Then when shes upset, had a hard day in work, annoyed at you or you need an excuse to keep her busy while watch football, go on stag night etc can surprise her with them.

Cheap and easy to arrange but works wonders. You look kind, caring, romantic and considerate. PLUS the other one can be used for her Mum or best mate winning you even more brownie points with them and her

Genius

Juan Flo Evra The Cocu’s Nesta - 16 January 2011 06:30 PM

Over Christmas, a friend of mine pulled a French lady. He took her back to his house to do the deed. After starting down there, he noticed that she keeps herself ‘unkept’ if you know what I’m saying. He’d already started down, so was caught in two minds to soldier on with what he was doing, or to cunningly (make up your own pun) stop…

He did neither.

Instead he got out of bed, marched to his bathroom. And then came back presenting a razor to the shocked French girl.

The French girl didn’t stay for much longer after that.

Some of the posts in this thread make me sooooooo pleased to be married and no longer dipping my toe in the dating pool. Some of you are quite frankly the wrong side of the creepy line.

It seams to me that in order to keep your man happy all you need to do is have regular sex with him, cook him an occasional meal and leave him alone with his games consul long enough to finish that tricky level. 

If you need to tell him something he isn’t going to like, do it whilst you are naked. 

NEVER EVER call him by his mates name whilst you are having sex with him, this tends to upset him and in the case of my first marriage leads to divorce.

If you and a lady ever part ways and she quotes the Beyonce line “If you like it you should have put a ring on it”, repeat the same highlighting the time she denied you anal sex.

Suzanne Claret - 17 January 2011 10:55 AM

It seams to me that in order to keep your man happy all you need to do is have regular sex with him, cook him an occasional meal and leave him alone with his games consul long enough to finish that tricky level. 

If you need to tell him something he isn’t going to like, do it whilst you are naked. 

*wishes that was sarcasm but has probably just nailed it*

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 16 January 2011 10:20 PM

Jake Harrison - 16 January 2011 10:16 PM

When a girl tries to tell you she’s not pretty, this is your opportunity to tell her how beautiful she is.

Don’t use the word “fit”; stunning, beautiful, gorgeous etc are much better.

When a girl tells you she’s not pretty this clearly mean she has low self esteem, try slipping your dick up her ASAP.

Your New Year’s Eve is coming into sharp focus, Jonny.

This seems to work if you’re anything like me and are single and not that forthcoming.

If you’re out and see a girl you like and she’s there with her mate and you’re with yours, get the bar person to send over two shots of water in shot glasses and get two for you and your mate (or proper shots for you). Make sure the barstaffer points out they are from you and your mate. That’s super important.

When they look over, give ‘em the old ‘cheers’ thing from afar and do your shots as they do theirs. They’ll either laugh and get get chatting to you or just plain ignore you. Either way, you’ll know for certain if they like you and you haven’t had to say a word to them.

I’ve done it a few times, on two continents and managed to sex each time. Girls in Chicago, Vegas and er… Sutton seem to like it.

I don’t do it all the time as I don’t want it to fail.. When it starts to fail (which it will), I’ll cry.

Suzanne Claret - 17 January 2011 10:55 AM

It seams to me that in order to keep your man happy all you need to do is have regular sex with him, cook him an occasional meal and leave him alone with his games consul long enough to finish that tricky level. 

If you need to tell him something he isn’t going to like, do it whilst you are naked. 

I’ll marry you. Right now. Providing you promise to stick to the above conditions.

Right, I think I understand this now.

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Kenwyne Jones! Oh, and I just came.”

Two out of three girls love The Naked Man.

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 17 January 2011 12:57 PM

Two out of three girls love The Naked Man.

One of these days I’m going to find two friends who agree to the idea so we can then execute The Naked Man. Other good plays include the Lorenzo von Matterhorn, although that requires a bit of preparation.

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 17 January 2011 12:57 PM

Two out of three girls love The Naked Man.

Marry me.

(Also, what pose do you go for?)

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 17 January 2011 12:57 PM

Two out of three girls love The Naked Man.

I miss Barney.

I have both the Bro Code and the Playbook at home.

I am currently single.

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 17 January 2011 01:06 PM

I have both the Bro Code and the Playbook at home.

I am currently single.

I also have a copy of the Playbook. My brother has Bro on the Go. We are also both single (somehow).

A world full of Barney Stinsons. I’m a little bit afraid.

BigDan83 - 17 January 2011 01:26 PM

A world full of Barney Stinsons. I’m a little bit afraid.

SUIT UP!

BigDan83 - 17 January 2011 01:26 PM

A world full of Barney Stinsons. I’m a little bit afraid.

That would be legen-andihopeyou’renotlactoseintolerantbecausethenextwordis - dairy.

fujibo - 17 January 2011 01:40 PM

BigDan83 - 17 January 2011 01:26 PM

A world full of Barney Stinsons. I’m a little bit afraid.

That would be legen-andihopeyou’renotlactoseintolerantbecausethenextwordis - dairy.

There’d be no more sad songs on the radio because when people got sad, they’d stop being sad and start being awesome.

BigDan83 - 17 January 2011 01:45 PM

fujibo - 17 January 2011 01:40 PM

BigDan83 - 17 January 2011 01:26 PM

A world full of Barney Stinsons. I’m a little bit afraid.

That would be legen-andihopeyou’renotlactoseintolerantbecausethenextwordis - dairy.

There’d be no more sad songs on the radio because when people got sad, they’d stop being sad and start being awesome.

People should think a mixtape should rise and fall, but it should be all rise baby!

SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU’RE TO BLAME, HONEY YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME!

Suzanne Claret - 17 January 2011 10:22 AM

Sir_Denis_Irwin - 16 January 2011 02:25 PM

Get on to Lastminute.com and buy 2 cheap spa days (About £10 each last time I did it) and have the vouchers saved away for use when needed. Then when shes upset, had a hard day in work, annoyed at you or you need an excuse to keep her busy while watch football, go on stag night etc can surprise her with them.

Cheap and easy to arrange but works wonders. You look kind, caring, romantic and considerate. PLUS the other one can be used for her Mum or best mate winning you even more brownie points with them and her

Genius

Im hoping that wasnt a sarcastic so Thank You

I would just like to point out I have only done this once and had bought them for the genuine reason of just wanting to get her something nice. Discovering the added benefits was a happy accident as she was in a mood when she next came round and giving her them totally changed it. Its definately one Im keeping in mind once I leave the single world again

Sir_Denis_Irwin - 18 January 2011 03:23 AM

Suzanne Claret - 17 January 2011 10:22 AM

Sir_Denis_Irwin - 16 January 2011 02:25 PM

Get on to Lastminute.com and buy 2 cheap spa days (About £10 each last time I did it) and have the vouchers saved away for use when needed. Then when shes upset, had a hard day in work, annoyed at you or you need an excuse to keep her busy while watch football, go on stag night etc can surprise her with them.

Cheap and easy to arrange but works wonders. You look kind, caring, romantic and considerate. PLUS the other one can be used for her Mum or best mate winning you even more brownie points with them and her

Genius

Im hoping that wasnt a sarcastic so Thank You

I would just like to point out I have only done this once and had bought them for the genuine reason of just wanting to get her something nice. Discovering the added benefits was a happy accident as she was in a mood when she next came round and giving her them totally changed it. Its definately one Im keeping in mind once I leave the single world again

I wasnt being sarcastic, I genuinely think that is brilliant.

Suzanne Claret - 18 January 2011 09:28 AM

Sir_Denis_Irwin - 18 January 2011 03:23 AM

Suzanne Claret - 17 January 2011 10:22 AM

Sir_Denis_Irwin - 16 January 2011 02:25 PM

Get on to Lastminute.com and buy 2 cheap spa days (About £10 each last time I did it) and have the vouchers saved away for use when needed. Then when shes upset, had a hard day in work, annoyed at you or you need an excuse to keep her busy while watch football, go on stag night etc can surprise her with them.

Cheap and easy to arrange but works wonders. You look kind, caring, romantic and considerate. PLUS the other one can be used for her Mum or best mate winning you even more brownie points with them and her

Genius

Im hoping that wasnt a sarcastic so Thank You

I would just like to point out I have only done this once and had bought them for the genuine reason of just wanting to get her something nice. Discovering the added benefits was a happy accident as she was in a mood when she next came round and giving her them totally changed it. Its definately one Im keeping in mind once I leave the single world again

I wasnt being sarcastic, I genuinely think that is brilliant.

Yes it’s a good idea but I think this thread is aimed at people who don’t have a girlfriend already. I’m not sure if it’s a good chat up line haha - “would you like a day at a spa?”

This reminds me of about 5 years ago when I had a 6 day holiday for 2 to Italy booked for me and my girlfriend, and then I accidentally dumped her a week before. After my friends all said they were busy, I walked around university campus asking random girls if they wanted to go on holiday with me. I got some weird looks. I honestly couldn’t believe they were saying no! Looking back I can’t believe how creepy I must have seemed

In the end I went with the ex and broke up with her again outside the colosseum (sp?) because she kept saying rome was boring and couldnt we “just go to the hotel swimming pool and get drunk on cheap wine instead of looking at this shit”, and i told her to stop being such a boring bitch, and she cried.

There’s a story you wanted to know, I’m sure!

It’s not just for people who don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend already. It’s a Tactical Bible to the Opposite Sex, so that includes things such as snaring a spouse/life partner/fuck buddy/prostitute, whilst also at the same time offering tactical advice to people in long term relationships, whether they’re good or bad… Or just advice with the opposite sex in general.

That was my intention with this thread. I started the thread & I’ve currently been in a relationship with my girlfriend for near on 5 years, so would have been a little pointless for me to start one for just people without girlfriends/boyfriends. Plus I know there’s a few married people on this forum who will be seen as the Jedi Masters of the opposite sex. They must know something… surely?

I’ve found that being devilishly handsome and extremely charming work well with the opposite sex.

Plus depending in the success of this I can see it becoming a guide for the future. A Ramble Force Tactical Bible to Surviving Uni could be essential reading…

If the girl you like tells you she has a boyfriend, this is not a rejection, it is a challenge.

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 12:57 PM

If the girl you like tells you she has a boyfriend, this is not a rejection, it is a challenge.

Just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score.

Juan Flo Evra The Cocu’s Nesta - 18 January 2011 12:57 PM

Plus depending in the success of this I can see it becoming a guide for the future. A Ramble Force Tactical Bible to Surviving Uni could be essential reading...

Yes please.

Here’s some genuine, non-funny advice for people out on the pull.

Buy a nice Eau De Toilette & when you go out spray it on your ears. In a pub/bar/club/whatever, you’ll do a lot of talking directly into a person’s ear. The ladies will love the smell of it as it’ll be right under their nose when they talk to you.

They’ll be wet for it & ready for thundering later…

FACT.

If a girl ever asks you to talk dirty to her, tell her your kitchen is a mess and you want her to clean it. If she laughs at you, stare at her until she realises you weren’t joking.

Juan Flo Evra The Cocu’s Nesta - 18 January 2011 01:02 PM

Here’s some genuine, non-funny advice for people out on the pull.

Buy a nice Eau De Toilette & when you go out spray it on your ears. In a pub/bar/club/whatever, you’ll do a lot of talking directly into a person’s ear. The ladies will love the smell of it as it’ll be right under their nose when they talk to you.

They’ll be wet for it & ready for thundering later…

FACT.

For blokes trying to pull lasses, just read Neil Strauss’s The Game and follow the most basic advice in it.

Dress stylishly and flamboyantly
Keep yourself in shape and get a good haircut (or shave it off if balding)
Be interesting & funny (practise if you’re not confident)
Don’t get drunk
Pretend you’ve got to leave shortly
Don’t call her
Boom

Here’s one I heard on the Answer Me This podcast (before I realised I didn’t like it).

When you do a sex to a girl (or yourself if times are hard), don’t let her keep the goods. Instead, catch the squad in a bottle and dilute with water.
Next time you’re out on the pull, spray your manwater on like aftershave.
If you get the ratio right, you’ll smell ever so slightly of sex. Not enough that it’s noticeable and people wonder why you haven’t washed but enough to trigger the appropriate parts of your target’s delicate ladybrain.
60% of the time, it works every time.

I’ve never had the need to try it but please, someone do. And let us know.

fujibo - 18 January 2011 01:08 PM

Here’s one I heard on the Answer Me This podcast (before I realised I didn’t like it).

When you do a sex to a girl (or yourself if times are hard), don’t let her keep the goods. Instead, catch the squad in a bottle and dilute with water.
Next time you’re out on the pull, spray your manwater on like aftershave.
If you get the ratio right, you’ll smell ever so slightly of sex. Not enough that it’s noticeable and people wonder why you haven’t washed but enough to trigger the appropriate parts of your target’s delicate ladybrain.
60% of the time, it works every time.

I’ve never had the need to try it but please, someone do. And let us know.

I can’t foresee someone being quite that desperate.

Desperate?
Or knee-deep in poontang?

Jay Cherno - 18 January 2011 01:10 PM

fujibo - 18 January 2011 01:08 PM

Here’s one I heard on the Answer Me This podcast (before I realised I didn’t like it).

When you do a sex to a girl (or yourself if times are hard), don’t let her keep the goods. Instead, catch the squad in a bottle and dilute with water.
Next time you’re out on the pull, spray your manwater on like aftershave.
If you get the ratio right, you’ll smell ever so slightly of sex. Not enough that it’s noticeable and people wonder why you haven’t washed but enough to trigger the appropriate parts of your target’s delicate ladybrain.
60% of the time, it works every time.

I’ve never had the need to try it but please, someone do. And let us know.

I can’t foresee someone being quite that desperate.

I have to be honest I am quite tempted to do this.  But most women look at me like I am a serial killer so they probably won’t get close enough to smell it, and I will just be the weird, drunk, haiiry bloke stanidng in the corner covered in his own spunk.  Again.

If a woman ever forces you to watch Twilight, constantly ask which one of the characters is gay.

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:16 PM

If a woman ever forces you to watch Twilight, constantly ask which one of the characters is gay.

If you allow a woman to force you to watch Twilight, constantly ask yourself if you are gay.

Jay Cherno - 18 January 2011 01:17 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:16 PM

If a woman ever forces you to watch Twilight, constantly ask which one of the characters is gay.

If you allow a woman to force you to watch Twilight, constantly ask yourself if you are gay.

*Paging Wallace to this thread*