Jay Cherno - 18 January 2011 01:17 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:16 PM

If a woman ever forces you to watch Twilight, constantly ask which one of the characters is gay.

If you allow a woman to force you to watch Twilight, constantly ask yourself if you are gay.

A slightly older lady who has expressed an interest in me told me the other day that Twilight is the best book she has ever read.  I walked away.

Just wanna check we’re all on board here, when Jonny GNB refers to ‘a woman’, we all think it’s Wallace, right?

chris waddles wild pelanty - 18 January 2011 01:18 PM

Jay Cherno - 18 January 2011 01:17 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:16 PM

If a woman ever forces you to watch Twilight, constantly ask which one of the characters is gay.

If you allow a woman to force you to watch Twilight, constantly ask yourself if you are gay.

A slightly older lady who has expressed an interest in me told me the other day that Twilight is the best book she has ever read.  I walked away.

Prime opportunity for a falcon punch.

fujibo - 18 January 2011 01:19 PM

Just wanna check we’re all on board here, when Jonny GNB refers to ‘a woman’, we all think it’s Wallace, right?

Even though I’m in the full knowledge that the GNB is Gabriel Ngo Baheng, I like to pretend it’s Goliath National Bank.

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:19 PM

chris waddles wild pelanty - 18 January 2011 01:18 PM

Jay Cherno - 18 January 2011 01:17 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:16 PM

If a woman ever forces you to watch Twilight, constantly ask which one of the characters is gay.

If you allow a woman to force you to watch Twilight, constantly ask yourself if you are gay.

A slightly older lady who has expressed an interest in me told me the other day that Twilight is the best book she has ever read.  I walked away.

Prime opportunity for a falcon punch.

She goes to the gym a lot and I am very weak.

I also once stopped talking to a girl when she told me she liked David Gray.

I probably could have had semi regular sex in my life if I wasn’t a cultural snob.

chris waddles wild pelanty - 18 January 2011 01:18 PM

Jay Cherno - 18 January 2011 01:17 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:16 PM

If a woman ever forces you to watch Twilight, constantly ask which one of the characters is gay.

If you allow a woman to force you to watch Twilight, constantly ask yourself if you are gay.

A slightly older lady who has expressed an interest in me told me the other day that Twilight is the best book she has ever read.  I walked away.

I actually hold out some hope for young people who say that Twilight and Harry Potter are the best books they’ve ever read. Because The Catcher in the Rye is going to blow their fucking minds.

BigDan83 - 18 January 2011 01:21 PM

chris waddles wild pelanty - 18 January 2011 01:18 PM

Jay Cherno - 18 January 2011 01:17 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:16 PM

If a woman ever forces you to watch Twilight, constantly ask which one of the characters is gay.

If you allow a woman to force you to watch Twilight, constantly ask yourself if you are gay.

A slightly older lady who has expressed an interest in me told me the other day that Twilight is the best book she has ever read.  I walked away.

I actually hold out some hope for young people who say that Twilight and Harry Potter are the best books they’ve ever read. Because The Catcher in the Rye is going to blow their fucking minds.

And then they will blow someone else’s mind.

With a gun.

fujibo - 18 January 2011 01:08 PM

Here’s one I heard on the Answer Me This podcast (before I realised I didn’t like it).

When you do a sex to a girl (or yourself if times are hard), don’t let her keep the goods. Instead, catch the squad in a bottle and dilute with water.
Next time you’re out on the pull, spray your manwater on like aftershave.
If you get the ratio right, you’ll smell ever so slightly of sex. Not enough that it’s noticeable and people wonder why you haven’t washed but enough to trigger the appropriate parts of your target’s delicate ladybrain.
60% of the time, it works every time.

I’ve never had the need to try it but please, someone do. And let us know.

I going to go out on a bit of a limb here but I think a man smelling of his own er erm excretions is not going to be that attractive to a woman.  Smelling like sex would just make her think of sloppy seconds and that aint sexy.

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:20 PM

fujibo - 18 January 2011 01:19 PM

Just wanna check we’re all on board here, when Jonny GNB refers to ‘a woman’, we all think it’s Wallace, right?

Even though I’m in the full knowledge that the GNB is Gabriel Ngo Baheng, I like to pretend it’s Goliath National Bank.

Pure textbook.
I withdraw my original slam.
Lawyered.

Suzanne Claret - 18 January 2011 01:24 PM

I going to go out on a bit of a limb here but I think a man smelling of his own er erm excretions is not going to be that attractive to a woman.  Smelling like sex would just make her think of sloppy seconds and that aint sexy.

Keep telling yourself that, darlin’.

chris waddles wild pelanty - 18 January 2011 01:18 PM

Jay Cherno - 18 January 2011 01:17 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:16 PM

If a woman ever forces you to watch Twilight, constantly ask which one of the characters is gay.

If you allow a woman to force you to watch Twilight, constantly ask yourself if you are gay.

A slightly older lady who has expressed an interest in me told me the other day that Twilight is the best book she has ever read.  I walked away.

and keep walking becuase what she said is a sure sign she is on prescription medication….....and not the good stuff.

Don’t sleep with women that read books. That means that they have the capability to think. And women that can think are bad at sex. AND THAT’S SCIENCE.

Suzanne Claret - 18 January 2011 01:26 PM

chris waddles wild pelanty - 18 January 2011 01:18 PM

Jay Cherno - 18 January 2011 01:17 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:16 PM

If a woman ever forces you to watch Twilight, constantly ask which one of the characters is gay.

If you allow a woman to force you to watch Twilight, constantly ask yourself if you are gay.

A slightly older lady who has expressed an interest in me told me the other day that Twilight is the best book she has ever read.  I walked away.

 

and keep walking becuase what she said is a sure sign she is on prescription medication….....and not the good stuff.

Trust me, once bitten twice shy with the mentals.  It is not so much fun after a few years.

Basically this guide could be my life to date with DON’t DO THIS in bold at the end.  I really should guide the young.

I don’t think I come out of this thread well. Especially if you combine it with my admission on Twitter yesterday where I said ginger women turn me into a sex criminal.

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:30 PM

I don’t think I come out of this thread well. Especially if you combine it with my admission on Twitter yesterday where I said ginger women turn me into a sex criminal.

I’m currently imagining your reaction to the (sadly fictional) news that Karen Gillan and Christina Hendricks have made a lesbian video.

And now I’m currently imagining that video.

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:30 PM

I don’t think I come out of this thread well. Especially if you combine it with my admission on Twitter yesterday where I said ginger women turn me into a sex criminal.

I think you come across as a charmer, you should print this thread out and take a laminated copy on dates for them to read through.

chris waddles wild pelanty - 18 January 2011 01:32 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:30 PM

I don’t think I come out of this thread well. Especially if you combine it with my admission on Twitter yesterday where I said ginger women turn me into a sex criminal.

I think you come across as a charmer, you should print this thread out and take a laminated copy on dates for them to read through.

Lamination is important, especially if you plan to bang one out then rub the result on your chin.

chris waddles wild pelanty - 18 January 2011 01:32 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:30 PM

I don’t think I come out of this thread well. Especially if you combine it with my admission on Twitter yesterday where I said ginger women turn me into a sex criminal.

I think you come across as a charmer, you should print this thread out and take a laminated copy on dates for them to read through.

Leave out the posts about basting yourself with your own spunk though, or you’ll give the game away.

BigDan83 - 18 January 2011 01:32 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:30 PM

I don’t think I come out of this thread well. Especially if you combine it with my admission on Twitter yesterday where I said ginger women turn me into a sex criminal.

I’m currently imagining your reaction to the (sadly fictional) news that Karen Gillan and Christina Hendricks have made a lesbian video.

And now I’m currently imagining that video.

Throw in Nicola Roberts and Hayley Williams and you have turned me into a semen fountain.

New angle: how can I mug off the missus for Valentines Day so I can watch the SW6 derby?

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:34 PM

BigDan83 - 18 January 2011 01:32 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 01:30 PM

I don’t think I come out of this thread well. Especially if you combine it with my admission on Twitter yesterday where I said ginger women turn me into a sex criminal.

I’m currently imagining your reaction to the (sadly fictional) news that Karen Gillan and Christina Hendricks have made a lesbian video.

And now I’m currently imagining that video.

Throw in Nicola Roberts and Hayley Williams and you have turned me into a semen fountain.

The above is a long lost line from one of Shakespeare’s sonnets.

fujibo - 18 January 2011 01:34 PM

New angle: how can I mug off the missus for Valentines Day so I can watch the SW6 derby?

Be an idiot about four days before, let the argument simmer, break up on the 13th.  She will go out and get wrecked, probably too drunk to sleep with someone else and has to be escorted home by friends, you watch football.  On the 15th take advantage of her hungover state to easily get back together via an apology and a small gift.

Repeat for all of her birthdays as well.

fujibo - 18 January 2011 01:34 PM

New angle: how can I mug off the missus for Valentines Day so I can watch the SW6 derby?

Take her out the night before. Or the night after. It’ll save you money, too. If she insists on you taking her out on some made up day, then sack her off, as she’s deluded.

chris waddles wild pelanty - 18 January 2011 01:36 PM

fujibo - 18 January 2011 01:34 PM

New angle: how can I mug off the missus for Valentines Day so I can watch the SW6 derby?

Be an idiot about four days before, let the argument simmer, break up on the 13th.  She will go out and get wrecked, probably too drunk to sleep with someone else and has to be escorted home by friends, you watch football.  On the 15th take advantage of her hungover state to easily get back together via an apology and a small gift.

Repeat for all of her birthdays as well.

WRONG. That’s WRONG.

She will almost certainly sleep with someone else if you break up with her just before Valentine’s Day. Why? Because her mates will tell her to.

BigDan83 - 18 January 2011 01:39 PM

chris waddles wild pelanty - 18 January 2011 01:36 PM

fujibo - 18 January 2011 01:34 PM

New angle: how can I mug off the missus for Valentines Day so I can watch the SW6 derby?

Be an idiot about four days before, let the argument simmer, break up on the 13th.  She will go out and get wrecked, probably too drunk to sleep with someone else and has to be escorted home by friends, you watch football.  On the 15th take advantage of her hungover state to easily get back together via an apology and a small gift.

Repeat for all of her birthdays as well.

WRONG. That’s WRONG.

She will almost certainly sleep with someone else if you break up with her just before Valentine’s Day. Why? Because her mates will tell her to.

This is a good point, probably worth checking what her friends are like.

chris waddles wild pelanty - 18 January 2011 01:40 PM

BigDan83 - 18 January 2011 01:39 PM

chris waddles wild pelanty - 18 January 2011 01:36 PM

fujibo - 18 January 2011 01:34 PM

New angle: how can I mug off the missus for Valentines Day so I can watch the SW6 derby?

Be an idiot about four days before, let the argument simmer, break up on the 13th.  She will go out and get wrecked, probably too drunk to sleep with someone else and has to be escorted home by friends, you watch football.  On the 15th take advantage of her hungover state to easily get back together via an apology and a small gift.

Repeat for all of her birthdays as well.

WRONG. That’s WRONG.

She will almost certainly sleep with someone else if you break up with her just before Valentine’s Day. Why? Because her mates will tell her to.

This is a good point, probably worth checking what her friends are like.

They may be potential belters. And if they’re trying to get her to sleep with someone else then they’re almost definitely slags.

BigDan83 - 18 January 2011 01:39 PM

chris waddles wild pelanty - 18 January 2011 01:36 PM

fujibo - 18 January 2011 01:34 PM

New angle: how can I mug off the missus for Valentines Day so I can watch the SW6 derby?

Be an idiot about four days before, let the argument simmer, break up on the 13th.  She will go out and get wrecked, probably too drunk to sleep with someone else and has to be escorted home by friends, you watch football.  On the 15th take advantage of her hungover state to easily get back together via an apology and a small gift.

Repeat for all of her birthdays as well.

WRONG. That’s WRONG.

She will almost certainly sleep with someone else if you break up with her just before Valentine’s Day. Why? Because her mates will tell her to.

Its the FIRST thing you would tell a mate to do, that and something nasty to his car/PS3/Xbox.

If there’s only one thing I know about women, it’s how fucking vindictive their mates are. You could be a pure saint and do no wrong for an entire relationship, but then SHE cheats on YOU, SHE dumps YOU and YOU become, in their eyes, the embodiment of every piece of male scum in existence.

Suzanne Claret - 18 January 2011 01:43 PM

BigDan83 - 18 January 2011 01:39 PM

chris waddles wild pelanty - 18 January 2011 01:36 PM

fujibo - 18 January 2011 01:34 PM

New angle: how can I mug off the missus for Valentines Day so I can watch the SW6 derby?

Be an idiot about four days before, let the argument simmer, break up on the 13th.  She will go out and get wrecked, probably too drunk to sleep with someone else and has to be escorted home by friends, you watch football.  On the 15th take advantage of her hungover state to easily get back together via an apology and a small gift.

Repeat for all of her birthdays as well.

WRONG. That’s WRONG.

She will almost certainly sleep with someone else if you break up with her just before Valentine’s Day. Why? Because her mates will tell her to.

Its the FIRST thing you would tell a mate to do, that and something nasty to his car/PS3/Xbox.

I build a 7 year relationship on this tactic.  But she did drink until she passed out, maybe I was blessed, I never realised that when I was dragging her out of a taxi.

fujibo - 18 January 2011 01:34 PM

New angle: how can I mug off the missus for Valentines Day so I can watch the SW6 derby?

Refer to the excellent suggestion made earlier in this thread about the lastminute.com vouchers for a day at the Spa. If available, follow that (even with the suggestion of taking the mother too) so they are away at the Spa on Valentines Day.

But you MUST follow this up with a gift that includes the two of you. It can be as basic as a romantic home cooked meal, or going away together (although she’s already done that). I would suggest surprise breakfast in bed, spend the day together & then a home cooked meal in the evening.

DON’T just give her a gift just for her. You need to do something that includes you too. I actually apply this rule to all present giving events. Makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth… BOOOOOOOM.

She will reward you with blowjobs… FACT

When I was younger, my mate was certain that if you went up to a girl and said ‘hold my pint I’m going for a shit’ you’d pull every time.

Juan Flo Evra The Cocu’s Nesta - 18 January 2011 12:57 PM

Plus depending in the success of this I can see it becoming a guide for the future. A Ramble Force Tactical Bible to Surviving Uni could be essential reading…

Great idea

Jay Cherno - 18 January 2011 12:59 PM

Jonny Gabriel Ngo Baheng - 18 January 2011 12:57 PM

If the girl you like tells you she has a boyfriend, this is not a rejection, it is a challenge.

Just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score.

I believe that this motto can also be used when hitting on pregnant women.

Definitely DO tell a girl you are trying to get in to that you met because you were trying to sleep with her sister. Love that shit.

kieho - 18 January 2011 02:39 PM

Definitely DO tell a girl you are trying to get in to that you met because you were trying to sleep with her sister. Love that shit.

Especially when she is standing next to said sister.

Although it seems a good idea at the time never say to a girl ‘i gave you three cigarettes and a drink, surely thats worth a hand job’. 

Neither her nor her friends will see you were trying to be funny.

Emmanuel Eboue’s Tiger Suit - 18 January 2011 03:08 PM

kieho - 18 January 2011 02:39 PM

Definitely DO tell a girl you are trying to get in to that you met because you were trying to sleep with her sister. Love that shit.

Especially when she is standing next to said sister.

Well when I met her they were stood together, but evidently she was too fucked to remember. This situation is currently unfolding!

kieho - 18 January 2011 03:18 PM

Emmanuel Eboue’s Tiger Suit - 18 January 2011 03:08 PM

kieho - 18 January 2011 02:39 PM

Definitely DO tell a girl you are trying to get in to that you met because you were trying to sleep with her sister. Love that shit.

Especially when she is standing next to said sister.

Well when I met her they were stood together, but evidently she was too fucked to remember. This situation is currently unfolding!

If you get both at the same time it’s a million points. Ten million if it’s twins, one hundred million if it’s identical twins

BigDan83 - 18 January 2011 03:27 PM

kieho - 18 January 2011 03:18 PM

Emmanuel Eboue’s Tiger Suit - 18 January 2011 03:08 PM

kieho - 18 January 2011 02:39 PM

Definitely DO tell a girl you are trying to get in to that you met because you were trying to sleep with her sister. Love that shit.

Especially when she is standing next to said sister.

Well when I met her they were stood together, but evidently she was too fucked to remember. This situation is currently unfolding!

If you get both at the same time it’s a million points. Ten million if it’s twins, one hundred million if it’s identical twins

The other sister has unfortunately just got back with her ex in the last couple of days. He’s one of my best mates. LOL.

kieho - 18 January 2011 03:36 PM

BigDan83 - 18 January 2011 03:27 PM

kieho - 18 January 2011 03:18 PM

Emmanuel Eboue’s Tiger Suit - 18 January 2011 03:08 PM

kieho - 18 January 2011 02:39 PM

Definitely DO tell a girl you are trying to get in to that you met because you were trying to sleep with her sister. Love that shit.

Especially when she is standing next to said sister.

Well when I met her they were stood together, but evidently she was too fucked to remember. This situation is currently unfolding!

If you get both at the same time it’s a million points. Ten million if it’s twins, one hundred million if it’s identical twins

The other sister has unfortunately just got back with her ex in the last couple of days. He’s one of my best mates. LOL.

I text a girl that works with her earlier, asking her to give the message “I want to emanate my seed upon your breasts”.