The Football Ramble
Est 2007 - the most entertaining voice in football

In Numbers: The Mathieu Valbuena Height Differential



Height: 5 feet 5¾ inches

Ligue 1 Title x 1
League Cup x 3
Champions Trophy x 1
Most Assists In A Season x 1
International Caps x 38

Number of times we suspect he’s been told he’s too small to be a footballer x 8704 and counting.


By Kelly Welles


Image via @lanadawood

Mathieu Valbuena

Weekend Highlights: And it was all… yellow

The gazebo in the car park of live football.

I’ll level with you. I’m writing this with half an eye on Sky Sports Transfer Deadline Day.

So far I know that Radamel Falcao is/might be in and around a plane to Manchester airport, Harry Redknapp is at QPR’s training ground (presumably testing car windows for speed of descent and comfort) and self-awareness (like Falcao) is a foreign concept to array of anchormen and women pointing and poking at incongruously large electronic screens.


If they had even a jot of the stuff, they wouldn’t still be finding humour in Adam Leventhal’s yellow socks as they move into their fourth hour of broadcasting.

I’m not. And neither is Gary Cotterill.


The Most Envied League In The World™

Even Pardew, a known abuser of the elderly, knows better than to approach Warnock.

It’s as you were in the Premier League, with Manchester United drawing against supposedly inferior opposition, Diego Costa scoring, Arsenal paying the price for want of an experienced goal scorer and mayhem breaking out in the vicinity of Neil Warnock.


Mario Balotelli had a debut to forget, but Liverpool showed their mettle anyway, beating Spurs 3-0 and leaving Mauricio Pochettino with some work to do. Last week’s 4-0 win over QPR offered Spurs fans hope that the former Southampton manager had turned alchemist and found a way to make £100m worth of football talent work together on a pitch, but it looks as though a little more time with the Bunsen burner might be required if they’re going to trouble the top four.

Chelsea are top after three wins out of three, while Swansea City are breathing down their necks on goal difference alone. Two draws and a heavy defeat to the aforementioned Swans put West Brom in the bottom three alongside Crystal Palace and Burnley.

Everywhere Else


Schalke picked up a handy point against all-conquering talent beasts Bayern Munich at the weekend, but despite the presence of new signing Xabi Alonso, the most excitement was to be had off the pitch.

The German club, whose nickname is The Miners due to their historical links with the local mining community, have transformed their tunnel into what is effectively a mine entrance. This is a lovely idea unless you’re a local miner, in which case the stadium tour you booked a few weeks ago is going to be very disappointing indeed.

Pretty stunning for the rest of us, though. Amazing what a bit of imagination can do to brighten up a subterranean journey , eh London Underground?


Real Madrid’s insistence that pink is the colour of fear took a blow last night as Real Sociedad came back from two goals down to beat the Champions League winners 4-2.


Like Gerry Francis’ hair, Madrid are absolutely terrifying at the front with innumerable options available, but the back has suffered through a chronic lack of attention over the years.

Madrid were two up within fifteen minutes, Sergio Ramos and Gareth Bale scoring early, but Sociedad were on terms by half time after goals from Inigo Martinez and David Zurutuza. Zurutuza put them ahead on ‘65 before Arsenal Hall of Famer Carlos Vela secured the win with a roofer.

Not a chip, sadly.


By Kelly Welles


H/T @IdleandWild

Bayern Munich, Liverpool, Real Madrid, Crystal Palace, Real Sociedad, Schalke, Neil Warnock

Xabi Alonso: Mixing the grape & the grain


Xabi Alonso was in Munich for approximately fifteen seconds before he was manhandled into a cupboard, forced into a pair of lederhosen, had a beer glass stuffed into his sweaty little hand and was thrust into a throng of excitable footballers for a photo session.

bantz 2

The shoot for Bayern Munich sponsors Paulaner was far removed from the demure GQ ads the midfielder was used to in his role as cultured midfield maestro for Real Madrid, but he appeared to cope well with the lad bants that beer, shorts, checked shirts & the involvement that Bastian Schweinsteiger invariably bring.


And while Bayern only managed a 1-1 draw with Schalke in the second game of the Bundesliga season, we anticipate that given time, he’ll find his feet (currently clad in traditional Bavarian Haferl shoes) and take the young ‘uns under his wing.


Y’see? Like a ginger bearded, unfeasibly hot duck to water.


By Kelly Welles

Bayern Munich, Real Madrid, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Xabi Alonso

Cristiano Ronaldo: Orange is the new black



“Everyone can see, make their own judgements, the people in the world of football are intelligent. It would be a very interesting question for him. I cannot be honest about it.”

“If I said everything that I think, I would be in prison.”

                                          Cristiano Ronaldo on his rivalry with Lionel Messi.

Is he TRYING to force someone into staging an intervention? Seriously?

Although, to be fair, that colour really does bring out his eyes.


By Kelly Welles

Real Madrid, Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo

Karim Benzema vs. Captain Slow

It’s a trope of motoring show Top Gear that James May never beats anyone or wins anything.

His nickname is Captain Slow, he’s famously cautious when it comes to vehicle selection (where rules allow, he will always select a Volvo for challenges) and notoriously awful at utilising the allure afforded to him by fame and proximity to Jeremy Clarkson.

On every measurable scale, Karim Benzema should thrash James May.

But as you can see from the above clip, the Real Madrid forward made a rookie mistake when arriving at training in his black and chrome Bugatti Veyron. One hand on the steering wheel, the other probing his expensive teeth, he wanted to appear as though he couldn’t have cared less whether he was driving £2m worth of supercar or a milkfloat.

You’ve just shilled that much money on a car engineered, crafted and designed to be the most powerful, beautiful means of transport on this planet and you don’t care?

You’re a prat, Benzema. May might be jiggling around in an orange jumpsuit, but at least he’s getting something from the experience.

Take some tips from the newly crowned Captain Cool. You could use them.


By Kelly Welles

Real Madrid, James May, Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear, Karim Benzema

The centre back has replaced the goalkeeper! They think it’s all over…


Our stringent editorial policy wouldnt usually allow for two stories on the same subject on the same day, but those standards drop like Mirko Vucinic’s shorts when goalkeepers are involved.

If you weren’t watching last night’s Champions League qualifier between Ludogorets Razgrad and Steaua Bucharest, you won’t know that Razgrad’s keeper, Vladislav Stoyanov, was sent off in the final minute of extra time.

Seconds before the game, then 1-1 on aggregate, went to penalties.

In a coincidence that sent all experienced Ramblers into paroxysms of joy, all three substitutions had been made and Razgrad centreback Cosmin Moti was forced to don the jersey.

After coolly knocking in the first penalty.

He saved two penalties, propelling his side into the Champions League proper and prompting us to question why his childhood dreams should be fulfilled and not ours.

The cheery dancing git.


By Kelly Welles

gigi becali, Cosmin Moti, Steaua Bucharest, Ludogorets Razgrad

Volkan Demirel: In the air tonight

They’re used to blokes getting overexcited and trying to plant things in inappropriate places at Fenerbahçe, but eyebrows were still raised on Monday when goalkeeper Volkan Demirel launched his crotch at hapless pelanty taker Felipe Melo after he skied the decisive strike in the Turkish Supercup.

After initially making a dart to his left post, Demirel took a decent run up and smashed Melo with his hips. It’s unclear quite what he was trying to do, but we can confirm that Melo’s face bore none of the hesitation marks the centre circle of the Şükrü Saracoğlu stadium did after Souness and his infamous insertion.


Former Chelsea and Liverpool midfielder Raul Meireles celebrated Fener’s win in a much more respectful manner. By posting a picture of his ruddy great beard next to the trophy.



By Kelly Welles

Galatasaray, Volkan Demirel, Fenerbahçe, Turkish Supercup, Graeme Souness, Felipe Melo, Raul Meireles

Manchester United: Glazed & Confused


It depends on your perspective really.

If Manchester United have been the bane of your life since you became aware of football, it’s tough not to revel in their sudden collapse. If you’re a United fan who knows nothing but success, it’s virtually impossible not to question the entire fabric of your existence.

If you’re David Moyes, your currency in the job market rises with every conceded goal, mistimed pass and manager signing autographs after a 4-0 hammering by a League One side. If you’re Louis van Gaal, the exact opposite is true.

di maria

If you’re Angel Di Maria, Marcos Rojo, Ander Herrera or Luke Shaw, it’s difficult to figure out how the luxury liner you just stepped aboard turned into a leaky, rudderless rowing boat while you were having your medical.

But whatever category you happen to fall into, don’t get comfortable. As we all know, Manchester United have been in decline for sometime. Fans have been complaining about the lack of investment in their club since before Ferguson retired, and while the Glazers have been keeping a fairly low profile recently, the amount of fundage they are eking out of the club in the form of interest payments, share issues and all manner of complex financial finagling continues to rise.


But while a resurgence of the green and gold protest movement is virtually a certainty, United’s form over the next few months is not.

Yes, the club responsible for some of the most awe-inspiring (if thoroughly bloody irritating) moments in recent football history currently look as though they’ve just been introduced to one another and the concept of kicking a ball in anger, but shortly after his appointment, Louis van Gaal said it would take at least three months to sort the team out and given his track record, it isn’t entirely implausible that he could do so.

He may as well not have bothered saying it, of course. Big clubs don’t get time to perform structural repairs in English football, and even if the press acknowledge a ‘transitional phase’, a manager better be smart enough to make the necessary adjustments while retaining some sort of form. We all know the drill.

The press scent blood in the water (and the opportunity to assert their ‘influence’ on the game), the pressure mounts as results fail to improve, the board are cornered in shallow water and forced to sacrifice an appendage. The manager is sacked, the press is temporarily sated and the whole cycle starts again.


Which is precisely why the Glazer family, whose lack of interest in club affairs is frequently cited by fans as the reason why they’re in this predicament in the first place, may turn out to be Manchester United’s saving grace. They’re unlikely to be as vulnerable to the whims of the English press from their Florida base, particularly since they’re currently copping a ton of heat about their handling of their other sporting franchise, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Where another club might bow to the pressure, they might just ignore the calls for van Gaal’s head and afford him that rarest of football commodities. Time to implement his philosophy.

Of course, he might fail. He might be out before Christmas. And that may well be in the interest of neutrals who spent last night rolling around on the living room carpet as the goals piled up at Stadium MK. You might think it was bad before, but can you imagine (with all the love in the world, United fans, you know it’s ruddy true) what they’ll be like if van Gaal does engineer some sort of miracle? 

It doesn’t bear thinking about.


By Kelly Welles

Manchester United, Louis van Gaal

Weekend Highlights: Are you Havenaar laugh?


If this is a terrible round-up of the weekend’s action, just bear in mind that I didn’t set the standard.

That was Pete Donaldson, who, when asked to sign a t-shirt for a gentleman’s birthday pressie, drew a penis.

Do you see?

Saturday 23rd August 2014, Goodison Park, 7.15pm

Despite a horrible collapse at the end of last season, an FA Cup triumph and a bright performance in the Community Shield gave Arsenal fans reason for optimism.

Apparently, they were so disconcerted by this, the club immediately took steps to restore the more familiar climate of fear & loathing at the Emirates; first by failing to augment their strike force, then swerving perilously close to losing their opening league matches.

Saturday 23rd August 2014, Goodison Park, 7.17pm

The resulting mess ensures that the welcoming committee for Besiktas on Wednesday will include one broken Frenchman, an unconvincing youngster with a hamstring strain, a Chilean who, while incredible, has yet to feel his way into the team and Lukas Podolski, assuming he’s not out assaulting the elderly again.

Everyone is happier for it, though. The press can compile a list of players Arsene should have bought, the club are under huge pressure to sign someone before Jim White draws the transfer curtains and they have a proper fixture with Manchester City coming up soon.

The perpetual fear is like a warm, comforting duvet now, isn’t it?



Mauricio Pochettino’s Spurs sit comfortably astride the top of the Premier League table after handing former manager Harry Redknapp’s QPR an undignified battering upon his return to White Hart Lane.

But while Redders Snr headed home for a plate of pasta and a chat with Sandra, fans of other teams challenging for Champions League places were left pondering the horrifying (to them) possibility that Spurs might actually get their shiz together this season.


It’s a little early to be casting judgement on a team’s sustainability, but lest we forget, the club made some significant purchases before Andre Villas Boas’ knees finally buckled and if, as it would appear from their first two performances, Pochettino is capable of teasing a bit of form from them, Spurs could be a force to be reckoned with.

A rare yet unifying joy for Manchester United and Arsenal fans there.


di maria

Shut your noise! Facking old caaant!”

Meanwhile, over in La Liga, Angel Di Maria wished coach Carlo Ancelotti a hearty farewell before jumping on a plane to negotiate the inordinately large paycheck digging Manchester United out of trouble will require.

Will Madrid miss him? It’s hard to say, but fans might have been a little disappointed by the 2-0 scoreline, given that opponents Cordoba were promoted after finishing seventh in the Segunda division last season.

Perhaps Cristiano Ronaldo was distracted by the fact he did not win his own personal ‘Most Handsome Man on the Pitch’ contest for the 276th consecutive match.


That honour goes to former Vitesse and current Japan/Cordoba striker Mike Havenaar, whose cheekbones are enough to send even the most heterosexual of men running for their secret stash of Niko Kranjcar ‘research’ photos.




In Barcelona, Lionel Messi scored twice and a black cat strayed onto the pitch. We can only assume the Ghanaian witch doctor that tried to nobble Ronaldo is involved and would urge everyone to keep a watchful eye on Lionel Messi’s fitness.

And Luis Suarez’s gob.



Speaking of biting satire (sorry), spare a thought for Bari’s Giuseppe De Luca, who was both bitten by an opponent and sent off at the weekend. Apparently the striker was mildly perturbed by Gianmario Comi’s friendly nuzzle and failed to remain calm was explaining what had happened to the ref.

He was red carded and had to watch Comi score an equaliser and his team, Avellino, go on and win the tie.

That may come up in the ref’s review.


By Kelly Welles

Barcelona, Arsenal, Manchester City, Lionel Messi, Luis Suarez, Mike Havenaar, Bari, Avellino

Andrea Pirlo: Unlikely to become impressed any time soon, either

Juve’s latest social media campaign requires you to impress Andrea Pirlo with your skills.

Given that he remains unmoved by an axe balancer, an opera singer and a couple of flirty surfers, it’s highly unlikely that staring intently into his eyes before dribbling all over his smart Jeep trackie top and collapsing into a heap at his feet is going to impress football’s official arbiter of cool.

Effectively rules us out then, doesn’t it?


By Kelly Welles

Juventus, Andrea Pirlo, Jeep

Bayern Munich: Entertainment oversight


Bayern Munich today released the annual mirth-fest that it is their store’s merchandise catalogue.

Included among the usual array of baffling products (Bayern duck, anyone?) this ‘Football Friends Album’ is available for the bargain price of £7.96.


We can only assume The Inbetweeners hasn’t made it as far as the Bayern Munich marketing department. 


By Kelly Welles

Bayern Munich, The Inbetweeners

The Day The Banter Died


Passed over. Expired. Kicked the bucket. Jumped the shark. Whatever.

It finishes here.


By Kelly Welles

Cardiff City, Crystal Palace, Malky Mackay, Iain Moody

Matilde Mourinho: Cheers, Dad!

Your ears do not deceive you. After thanking Didier Drogba for his nomination through gritted teeth, Jose Mourinho nominates Bryan Adams, James McEvoy and his own daughter to do the Ice Bucket Challenge.

It’s not an act, is it? He really is a bit of a mental.


By Kelly Welles

Chelsea, Jose Mourinho, James McAvoy, Bryan Adams

Football Manager: C’est Magnifique!


Being clever types who probably know more about football than all of us put together, most of you will be familiar with the concept of Football Manager regens.


For those too busy/lazy/baffled to have time for an online career in football management, regens are “youth players created by the game to replace retiring players. Every team gets a youth intake once per season, effectively making the game endless.” (H/T Wilko!)


Why do you care?

Well, as we know from Puma’s recent marketing gaffe, computers don’t yet pick up the hilarity available in some combinations of letters, and while most FM regens enjoy conventional names, the occasional beauty is thrown up.


This post is but a small selection.


By Kelly Welles

H/T @HEGS_com.

Football Manager

Fantasy Football: A warning to you all


If you have, or were planning to have, a crack at fantasy football this season, please ensure you read the small print.


According to the mighty, a gent named Henry Stern failed to do this, came last in the league and was required to recreate a number of iconic images in his pants.


The result is this utterly brilliant calendar, which Henry popped onto his Instagram page, confirming what an all round good chap he is.


It has actually given me an idea for a Ramble fundraiser too.

I’ll need a camera, an electric cattle prod, four glittery thongs and several pints of natural yoghurt.


Should all be in Pete’s holdall. I’ll keep you posted as to my progress. wink


By Kelly Welles


Images via Instagram.

Fantasy Football

The Football Ramble Corner(s) of the Week

Best use of a corner flag as prop since Lee Sharp’s Elvis impersonator…


or Keisuke Honda’s attempt to pass the ball to Felix Baumgartner?

It’s tough to pick a winner from these two gloriously squandered set pieces, but between them, Ashley Young’s avian incursion and Santi Cazorla’s vanishing face, we can only conclude it’s going to be an epic season.


By Kelly Welles

AC Milan, Nantes, Keisuke Honda, Serge Gakpe

Puma Marketing Dept 0 Football Fans 1

In theory, it was a fantastic idea.

Visualise them sitting around a polished glass table in Puma Marketing HQ and you can almost see the heads nodding and soft hands clapping as the newly sacked Ideas Guru presented the latest initiative to engage punters with the brand and its principal players.


“Get them to tweet us the name of a player using the hashtag #fastergraph.” Ideas Guru said, running a moist finger tip over a neatly coiffed eyebrow. “We’ll send ‘em back an image made out to them. The players can be involved, the fans get a personalised gift. It’ll be brilliant.”


It only became apparent how brilliant when when a bunch of nefarious fans figured out how to exploit the flaws in the technology.


Thank you Mr Cocaine, Mr IsWank and Ms IsBetter. Your work here, like that of the Puma Ideas Guru, is done.



By Kelly Welles


Images via buzzfeed, thedrum, independent.

Marco Reus, Puma

Richard Keys: ‘Funny Bloke’

He must be getting sick of this now.

Unfortunately for him, the rest of the world is not.


By Kelly Welles


Via @Vine_Football.

Richard Keys, Sian Massey

Weekend Results: Tony Pulis will have two-footed the telly!

And with that statement, made after Crystal Palace conceded to bring Arsenal level in Saturday’s late kick-off, Gary Neville captured the thrilling unpredictability and outright lunacy thrown up during the opening weekend of the Premier League.

Well, most of it anyway.

With David Moyes gone, it seemed like aerial threats had, for the time being, been suspended from the skies above Old Trafford. Unfortunately for Ashley Young, this time it wasn’t (just) the fans showing their displeasure at a fairly lacklustre performance, but the local wildlife too, and while speculation abounds as to whether a bird did actually crap in his mouth or not, it’s a fairly damning indictment of the current situation at Old Trafford.

Congratulations must go to Swansea City, who didn’t allow the change of regime at Manchester United, not to mention an excellent pre-season, to distract from the fact that the Reds were eminently beatable at home last season and despite Louis van Gaal’s tactical switch ups, still looked unconvincing and disorganised, especially at the back.


If he wants to be optimistic, van Gaal now has the opportunity to prove his worth as a manager. He’s going to have to identify the players he needs, convince them to join a club without Champions League football for the foreseeable future, and sort out all the ones he’s got, all with the press watching him like a hawk, the precedent of Moyes/Woodward transfer farrago hanging in the air.

Let’s hope he can stay out of their line of fire, eh?


One embarrassing squirt in and around the face is an accident. Two looks like a campaign of terror against overpaid footballers.

We honestly thought it would take longer than five hours for someone in the Premier League to make a mockery of Sky’s latest promotional tagline, The Most Envied League In The World™. In retrospect, it’s obvious. We never cope with the implementation of any technology well (see also: J.Pearce, Goal Line Technology) and with all the attention surrounding the unholstering of the vanishing spray in our elite domestic league, something was bound to go horribly wrong.

Cheers John Moss. At least we got it out of the way early.


Other things likely to cause long term damage to the eyesight included Remy Cabella’s hair, Lee Cattermole’s fifth minute strike to put Sunderland ahead against West Brom and for West Ham fans in particular, Mark Noble’s first half penalty miss, which, when viewed in conjunction with débutante Eric Dier’s 90th minute strike, looks all the more horrendous.

Still, at least Sam Allardyce is in familiar territory. The Hammers are currently bottom of the table after that frustrating defeat, with Stoke & Newcastle United keeping them warm. At the other end, Manchester City are top, with Arsenal and Liverpool bringing up the rear. Leicester City are ninth after a 2-2 draw with Everton but The Nuge didn’t score so we’re not sure if it counts.

He doesn’t seem to think so.


By Kelly Welles

Manchester United, Arsenal, Manchester City, West Ham, Newcastle United, stoke city, Crystal Palace, Swansea City

Fred: On and on and on and on and on and on…

We’re getting close to a YouTube montage situation here, people. I’m thinking a choice selection of World Cup misses interspersed with panoramic face palms and the now notorious sadface on the bench, all soundtracked by The Longpigs heart wrenching ode to never-ending pain : On and On.

This penalty miss deserves a looping crescendo, wouldn’t you say?


By Kelly Welles

Brazil, Fred, The Longpigs

Ashley Cole: Taking part & joining in



He’s moved to an Italian club, featured in a brilliant internet meme that shows no sign of abating and now, seconds prior to dumping a bucket of iced water on his head, called for ex-Chelsea team mates John Terry and Didier Drogba to do the same.

If Ashley Cole carries on like this, it’s going to be increasingly difficult to justify our enmity towards him, it really is.


By Kelly Welles

Chelsea, Ashley Cole, ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

The Football Factory: YOU are the product


Got a ticket for a game this weekend? What did it cost you?

If you’re planning to attend a Premier League fixture, chances are you’re at least thirty quid lighter. Significantly more if you’re visiting a Category A match, not planning on fasting for the day or walking to the stadium. Even a ticket for a lowly League 2 fixture can come in at around twenty of yer English.

Not a lot in the grand scheme of things, but that’s a lot of cash out of a family budget to chuck away on leisure. Especially when half the time you come away wishing you’d fallen in love with another sport entirely.

Arsenal vs. Birmingham City, 1933.

With football in its current form beginning life as a distraction from the hideous realities of manufacturing work during the Industrial Revolution, it’s ironic that in 2014, research by Sheffield Hallam university has posited that ordinary fans are now more likely to be of a “higher social class” because of the expense involved in attendance.

Dan Plumley told the Telegraph: “The profile of football fans is changing in the modern game as more affluent people are now watching more football games in stadiums and clubs.”

Not so Manic, now.

Around a hundred football fans marched to Premier League HQ ahead of a Football Supporters Federation meeting with Chief Executive Richard Scudamore yesterday, in order to promote their initiative for a cap on ticket prices for Premier League away fixtures. At present, the criteria for away ticket prices is decided by the home team but the FSF believes away fans should be paying no more than £20 per fixture - with clubs subsiding prices from the ever increasing TV revenues.

A Guardian survey published in 2013 showed that English top flight football is the most expensive of the elite European leagues. It compared the cost of the cheapest and most expensive tickets available in the Bundesliga, Serie A, La Liga and Premier League, and while La Liga wins the price for the most expensive single ticket (£121.87), you can still get into top flight games in Germany, Italy and Spain for less that it costs in England. This is with predicted TV revenue for the clubs of £5.5billion between 2013 and 2016.

According to the Liverpool Echo, a similar FSF march last year “led to the creation of the Away Fans Fund, which saw each Premiership club handed £200,000 to subsidise away ticket prices”, but this small success is counterbalanced by the news that eleven of the twenty current Premier League clubs have raised the price of their cheapest season ticket more expensive.

This implies a truth not many football fans will be happy to face, but that most of us have long suspected. That the football clubs we love no longer have our best interests at heart and while people are still buying tickets, they will continue to increase prices until demand drops off.

For the record, the FSF have already stated they don’t believe in boycotting matches, claiming that, “It’s our game, we were here before the owners came and we’ll be here after they’ve gone.”

It’s a lovely sentiment, for sure. One we’d all like to buy into. But like football being a distraction for the masses, it’s one that increasingly feels as though it belongs to another age and time.


By Kelly Welles


Images via National Media Museum, Liverpool Echo.


Have a look at the FSF’s work here.

Football Supporters Federation

The Life & Times of: Bafétimbi Gomis

The latest in an occasional series, during which we gently peel back the veneer of professional respectability a footballer has built up (or not, in the case of Sammy Ameobi) to reveal what kind of an impact ‘living the dream’ has upon the human psyche.

Friends of football, enemies of sartorial elegance, fans of Swansea City, please welcome Bafétimbi Gomis!



Forewarned is forearmed, as they say, and the first thing you need to know about the ex-Lyon striker is that he has a rich and varied history of upsetting clothing.


He’s versatile too. When dressed like a normal human being, he retains his ability to terrify small children using just his facial hair alone.

bafe naked

But don’t for a moment think he’s obsessed. Indeed, Bafé has been identified by several media organisations one unreliable writer as the Premier League player most likely to appear naked behind Gary Monk while he’s being interviewed.


But it’s not all fun and games. Bafé is a responsible adult, keen to highlight the importance of good dental hygiene…


...and the dangers of irresponsible driving.


While on the pitch, unless he improves upon his goal record for Lyon (0.35 goals per game) goal celebrations are unlikely to form a large part of Bafé‘s legend.

Which will undoubtedly come as a great relief to Cyril the Swan.

Welcome to the Premier League, Bafster! We look forward to a long and fruitful relationship with your social network accounts!


By Kelly Welles


Images via facebook.

Lyon, Swansea City, Bafetimbi Gomis

Clint Dempsey: You want a Deuce with that?

Rap aficionado. Banger of G’s. Knotter of pockets. Exchanger of shirts with kids for handfuls of popcorn.

Stop it with the awesome, Clint. You’re killing us.


By Kelly Welles


Via the very excellent


USA, Clint Dempsey

“Jurgen Klopp’s Wedding Photo”


Published on Squawka’s Twitter feed yesterday, this photo of Jurgen Klopp with the Dortmund mascot is, at best, vaguely amusing.

Mostly because Jurgen Klopp is in it.

With @iamscassidy’s caption (post title), it instantly becomes everything that is right with modern football.

Hat well and truly tipped, as they say.


By Kelly Welles

Borussia Dortmund, Jurgen Klopp

In and around: The Football League


How selfless of ‘Super’ Karl Oyston.

Without his sterling work over the last few weeks, we’d be sitting here now with no idea how farcical it would look if someone forgot to tell the chairman of a Championship football club when the season kicks off.

How utterly humiliating it would be for everyone involved, especially the manager, to issue a team sheet that’s two players light because no one remembered they needed to be registered.

How unsettling it would be for fans to watch the custodians of their club - a club that just four years ago was competing in the Premier League - engage in embarrassing public spats over who owns what and accusations of financial irregularities and asset stripping.


And for those of us who aren’t Blackpool fans but football fans, the knowledge that all of this is taking place with the tacit approval of the FA, because their ‘Fit & Proper Person’ test is, as we’ve long suspected, as efficient at seeking out and eliminating undesirables as blind, pensionable Bloodhound with a streaming cold.

That’s why Karl Oyston is on holiday. Not because he thought the league season begins this week, like a lot of people who purport to ‘like football’. But because he’s done us all a favour. We’d all be striding ignorantly through the weekend otherwise.



Is that why Stuart Pearce spent so long milling about in the tunnel before emerging to a rapturous crowd at the City Ground? Under the circumstances (including the fact that he’s still ‘ironing out’ the details of his relationship with club chairman Fawaz Al Hasawi) anything other than a solid performance would have been a disaster.

As it was, Forest were able to hold Blackpool off until they faded and scored two in five minutes to secure their first three points of the season. How long it’s going to be before Blackpool can do the same is anyone’s guess.



Elsewhere, Bournemouth stormed to the top of the Championship table with a 4-0 battering of Huddersfield, who dispensed with the services (with the disconcertingly vague ‘by mutual consent’ epithet firmly in place, of course) of Mark Robins shortly afterwards. He therefore wins the annual Manager’s Sack Race at a canter, which will be of great comfort to him.

Ipswich Town made Fulham look thoroughly unprepared for life in the league by beating them 2-1 while Middlesbrough continued their good run of form under Aitor Kuranka with a 2-1 win over Birmingham. Birmingham manager Lee Clark said afterwards: “I have total belief in the players and we can bounce back,” which is unlikely to fill the faithful with confidence.


Brian McDermott was unavailable for comment after Leeds United slumped to a 2-0 defeat at Millwall, but we presume it wasn’t the worst day of his life.



In League One, Doncaster Rovers threw off the disappointment of missing out on becoming part of the One Direction asset portfolio, by beating Yeovil 3-0.

Former Middlesbrough striker Curtis Main scored on debut for Rovers, with Harry Forrester and Theo Robinson also getting on the sheet, while MK Dons got off to an horrific start - conceding two to Gillingham at home before scoring four unanswered goals in the second half and storming to victory. They are second. 



League Two is where many of the Ramble’s ‘associated teams’ ply their trade, and it’s fair to say it was a weekend of mixed results. Portsmouth drew 1-1 at Exeter City while Pete Donaldson’s Hartlepool (now their official title) lost 1-0 to Graham Westley’s Stevenage.

Cheltenham Town (my hometown club, don’t ‘cha know) beat Bury 1-0, but lost new signing Asa Hall to injury after eight minutes and forced players to pose with Whaddney The Robin.

It’s going to be like that, is it?


By Kelly Welles


Images via, Twitter, Facebook.

Portsmouth, The Championship, Fulham, Hartlepool United, Blackpool, Nottingham Forest, Cheltenham Town, Doncaster Rovers, Ipswich Town, Karl Oyston, MK Dons, Graham Westley, League One, League Two

Diego Maradona: A system of… Headslapping

At least he put the kid down first. Perhaps he’s mellowing with age.


By Kelly Welles


H/T The Secret Journalist.

Diego Maradona

Newsflash! Actual news is happening!


Today there’s simply too much news to ignore in favour of sarcastic caption posts, so here’s a quick round-up.

You’re welcome.


In transfer news, BBC Sport confirmed that Arsenal have accepted a bid of £15m for defender Thomas Vermaelen, while Liverpool continue to nonchalantly circle PSG’s Edinson Cavani.

Southampton have had an audacious £9.5m bid for Argentina and Sporting Lisbon left back Marcos Rojo rejected but another World Cup starlet, DeAndre Yedlin, looks close to 2.75m deal with Spurs.

The Real Madrid dragnet continues through international waters, relentlessly hoovering everything pretty enough into its already overpopulated hold.



Someone must be smiling over Ronny Deila. His Celtic side received an unlikely reprieve in the Champions League after a UEFA disciplinery board investigation confirmed that opponents Legia Warsaw had fielded and ineligible player in the second leg of their qualification fixture. Celtic lost the fixture 6-1 but were awarded a 3-0 victory for the game Bartosz Bereszynski played in, resulting in an aggregate scoreline of 4-4, and the Bhoys squeaking through to the play-offs on away goals.

They’ll be underpant dancing on the streets of Glasgow tonight, Ramblers!



Once the admin had been sorted out, the play-off draw could take place. The Wenger Boys (eat your heart out One Direction) will play Besiktas and Celtic have got Maribor but the two most interesting ties involve clubs from outside the UK. Ligue 1’s Lille will face Porto, while Rafa Benitez’ Napoli will have to work out a way past a notoriously awkward Athletic Bilbao.

The Europa League play-off ties were announced next - highlights included Spurs vs. AEL Limassol while Hull City’s reward for beating AS Trencin is a tie against Belgium’s Lokeren.

For the full draw, click here.



Since Bite-gate, there’s been a lot of speculation in the media about what it would actually take for a player to make himself unemployable. Thankfully we should have an answer soon, as Ravel Morrison appears to be on a personal crusade to do exactly that.

This week the former Manchester United noodle has been remanded for threatening to throw acid in a former girlfriend’s face and blow up her home. The Guardian stated that he was initially “arrested and charged with two counts of common assault after allegedly punching and slapping Reah Mansoor and her mother Parveen Mansoor” after a night out in Salford..


Upon release from Strangeways (presumably in case anyone had mistaken him for an idiotic thug and not an extremely wealthy, talented and fortunate young man) he posed in an Arsenal shirt, effectively throwing West Ham supporters’ faith in him back in their faces.

We’ll keep you updated on his quest for infamy. It won’t be long now.



Meanwhile, ole’ Toothy himself is at the Court of Arbitration for Sport in Switzerland for an appeal against his fourth month ban from “all footballing activity” for biting Giorgio Chiellini. At the time of publication no verdict has been reported.

Probably still chewing it over.



By Kelly Welles

Champions League, Arsenal, Tottenham Hotspur, Real Madrid, Luis Suarez, Celtic, Hull City, Ravel Morrison

Claire Lavogez: Kicking like a girl

The Return of the Ramble Live!


Some months ago, the Football Ramble unleashed themselves on the Arcola Theatre, Olde London Town for the first ever Ramble Live experience.

Once the smoke had cleared, the smears of yoghurt had been pressure washed off the floor and the butcher’s grass carefully placed back into its chilled cabinet, the boys were surprised (and delighted) to discover that not only had it been a great success, but you lot were clamouring for more.

Your wish is our command. We’re delighted to announce that on Sunday October 12th, Marcus, Luke, Jim and Pete will be unleashing their special brand of football-based ‘entertainment’ on the Prince Charles Cinema, 7 Leicester Place (just off Leicester Sq), London, and you could be there to watch it unfold.

Tickets are available, priced at £11 for members and £13.50 for non-members, here, and given the staggering rate at which they sold last time, it’d probably be in your interest to snap yours up sooner rather than later.

Now will you stop complaining about our summer hiatus?

Will you hell.  But we love you all anyway.


Football Ramble Live, Prince Charles Cinema

Michael Owen: Don’t stop ‘til you get enough

You thought that Michael Owen’s outrageous and frequently hilarious hubris had retired with him, didn’t you?

You were wrong. The man who shook the world (in his day) was having a kick about with Conference Premier side Chester FC when struck the ball into the goal so hard, the net needed fixing.

Did you get that? He hit it so hard, THE NET NEEDED FIXING. OKAY?

Good. As you were.


By Kelly Welles


H/T @waatp.

Michael Owen, Chester FC

Cristiano Ronaldo and the non-committal facial fitness shill


Really, Cristiano?

Are you sure?

Because while we’re certain the aforementioned sagging is high on your list of worries, you don’t seem to be sufficiently bothered to actually demonstrate this ‘facial fitness’ device in the advertisement.


It makes us suspect that you know that using this thing makes a person look like they’re in need of an intervention.

Were you hoping we wouldn’t notice?


You should know us better than that by now, mate.


By Kelly Welles


Images via

Cristiano Ronaldo, Pao

And now, a word from our sponsor…

UPDATE: Kenny got in touch with us after we posted this. He told us that the video was filmed 45 minutes after the final whistle.

Big up the AIK fans!


By Kelly Welles


Image via Instagram.


Kenny Pavey, AIK, Allsvenskan

Ezequiel Lavezzi: ‘In and around’


If you haven’t yet typed ‘Lavezzi’ into Twitter’s search facility, you’ve missed the boat.

Everyone and their cousin Zlatan has done it, seen the resulting photographs, laughed, and immediately tweeted “I always said Lavezzi was good in (and around) the box”, before photoshopping Ashley Cole into one of the images and sitting back to admire their work.


Modern football, eh?


By Kelly Welles


Images via Twitter.

Paris St Germain, Ezequiel Lavezzi

Clermont Foot: Slouching towards equality

Some men playing football yesterday.

Clermont Foot were beaten 2-1 by Brest in a Ligue 2 fixture last night. Most mainstream British press outlets wouldn’t usually cover Ligue 1 fixtures in any detail, let alone second tier French football, and yet it’s no surprise that a significant number are carrying match reports this morning.

That’s the point of a publicity stunt, isn’t it?

Helena Costa.

Forgive my cynicism. I was as pleased as any civilised football fan would be to read that Clermont had appointed Helena Costa, former Celtic scout and Benfica youth team coach, as their manager back in May. For as long as I’ve been a fan of the game I’ve seen no reason why a woman should be any less competent at organising and motivating a group of athletes to win football matches than a man, and as far as I’m concerned, the arguments that women can’t cope with ‘dressing room banter’ and male nudity should be left in the playground where they belong.

But I was nervous that the club had made the appointment to attract attention, not because Costa was the best candidate for the position. When she quit just six weeks later, claiming she had been marginalised and treated “like a face to attract publicity, I thought about having a head desk moment. When they appointed former France captain Corinne Diacre to the job just a few days later, I did.

Birgit Prinz breathes a sigh of relief.

Mostly because I still remember when Perugia boss Luciano Gaucci tried to buy former FIFA World Player of the Year Birgit Prinz in 2003, describing her thusly:

“She is very beautiful, and has a great figure. I can assure you that as a player, she’s very good.”

The transfer fell through. A blessing in disguise for Prinz whose career may never have recovered from playing alongside the club’s other star signing, Saadi Gaddafi, son of the Colonel.

Upon reflection though, I’ve decided to remain positive. History shows us that while progress does sometimes just happen naturally, a kick up the backside never did it any harm either. So what if Clermont want to grab a bit of attention for themselves? Their football is unlikely to capture the imagination of the average punter, and they wouldn’t exactly be the first club (or governing body, for that matter) in history to make a decision motivated by a desire for acknowledgment on the wider platform, and the subsequent rewards available.


Transition sometimes needs to be forced. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. The majority of people I know who demand equality believe that women should simply be offered the same opportunities as men. If they don’t possess the skills to do the job, they’ve no more right to be there than the next person. Male or female. 

If Corinne Diacre is competent at her job – that is capable of organising and motivating her players to play good football, perhaps finish higher in Ligue 2 than fourteenth, where they ended the 13/14 season – then great. If she can carry the weight of the world watching her while she’s doing it, even better. She’ll set a precedent for others to follow.

Many clubs won’t dare to go there. But some will see that competent management and an ability to understand the rules and conventions of football is not particular to the male species, we’re simply conditioned to believe that’s true because it’s all we’ve ever known. Women will be appointed in more significant roles. Some will be great. Some will be terrible. That too is not particular to the male species.

And it’ll be brilliant for the game. Who knows what new perspectives women could bring to football? Perhaps once we’ve got over the notion that a professional female would run screaming from a dressing room if she accidently saw a penis, we might find out that some male athletes actually benefit from a female approach, mentally and emotionally. Maybe not. But shouldn’t we at least give it a chance?

In the meantime, good luck to Corinne Diacre and Clermont Foot. You’re all going to need it.


By Kelly Welles


Images via

Clermont Foot, Helena Costa, Corinne Diacre, Ligue 2

And the award for the most inexplicable photo of the weekend goes to: Lazio!


The reason why guests at the reception were refusing iced beverages became abundantly clear when this shot from the catering tent was circulated.


By Kelly Welles


Image via Facebook.


Pre-Season Prattle: To Hartlepool & back

Chelsea 0-3 Werder Bremen

Chelsea fan groups have stated they don’t ‘begrudge’ Frank’s loan move to Manchester City. Which is super of them.

Unbeaten across five pre-season fixtures and with an array of shiny signings, the Chelsea Charabanc appeared to be powering on as usual, despite the loss of top scorer and midfield engine Frank Lampard and left-lingering telecommunications buffoon Ashley Cole.


Atletico Madrid hero Thibaut Courtois was back in the side for yesterday’s fixture vs. Werder Bremen as well as club ledge Didier Drogba, who re-signed on a one year deal just last week, but neither were able to prevent the home side from scoring three unanswered goals.


In an admirable effort to reassure fans that normal service will available during the new season, John Terry selflessly handled the ball in the area to concede a penalty for the first while Ludovic Obraniak was unmarked to nod in the second before half-time.

The third came late, and while the game was already lost, neutrals may be interested to learn that the scorer was one Felix Kroos, younger brother to World Cup hero Toni.


As far as we’re aware, Real Madrid have not put a bid in for him. But y’know. It’s only a matter of time.


Real Madrid 1-3 Manchester United

Ominously, Young has already beaten his goal tally for last season.

Neutrals will be regretting not making hay while the Moyes shone at Old Trafford. The Reds are unbeaten in four but have scored thirteen goals across those games - with a newly rejuvenated Ashley Young claiming four of them.

The winger, and the rest of United’s under-performing stars from last term for that matter, are thriving in Louis van Gaal’s tweaked 3-4-1-2 system, which is fantastic news for fans keen to see their team reclaim Champions League football at the first time of asking, and adds even more frisson to tonight’s International Champions Cup Final vs. perennial rivals Liverpool.

A newly demoted Ryan Giggs smiles through the pain.

Not such good news for aerial advertising companies though, but we can all probably live without any more of that nonsense.


England 4-0 Sweden

Lianne Sanderson was more than happy to dispel the myth that terrible hairdos are a product of the men’s game.

Despite warnings from Pete Donaldson about the dangers of standing about in the Town End of Hartlepool’s Victoria Park, England’s women were victorious against Sweden in a friendly, putting four past the team ranked fifth in the world.

The ever reliable Karen Carney scored first and last, but the plaudits of the day were reserved for Liverpool midfielder Fara Williams, who earned her 130th cap in the fixture. That’s more appearances for England than Peter Shilton.


If you’re not familiar with the gap between elite men’s football and elite women’s football, you might be interested to know that for approximately six years during her career, she was homeless.


Of course, if you’re a massive pillock, all you’re be interested in is the fact she’s a woman and probably feel as though comparing her England record to that of a bloke is ‘a joke’.

It must be reassuring to know you’re not alone.


These new skintight kits are all well and good if you’re built like Alexi Sanchez. Fortunately, Jim says most Arsenal fans are.

In other news, Arsenal have lost their own tournament for the fourth consecutive year, although this time they have Martin Atkinson to thank rather than their own ineptitude.

Arsenal were 1-0 down to Monaco when Atkinson gave a free kick for the above tackle on Chuba Akpom at the behest of his lino, despite it being a clear penalty.


Arsenal fans shouldn’t be too depressed though. And if you are, well, here’s a picture of Arsene from his Monaco days, to cheer you all up.


If that wasn’t enough to confirm your myriad suspicions about referees, how about Howard Webb using a penalty in a charity game to show off his skillz?

Yep. That was a sort of Panenka. Clattenburg is preparing his rabona as we speak.



Finally, you may be aware of the soft spot we at the Ramble have always had for Royston Drenthe. Up to now, none of us have been able to explain exactly what it was about the Reading midfielder that bewitched us, but a photo we saw over the weekend confirmed suspicions that he’s a man after our own hearts.

Drenthe reportedly hosted a FIFA 14 tournament at his house at the weekend, an event he transcribed via a series of Instagram photos.

So far, so footballery, you might think, but look at that top picture again. Is that a barbecue on the left? Is Royston Drenthe channelling the footballing spirit of Lee Sharpe? Can we expect news of a fan club, promises of C90 cassettes in the post? Inedible food burned by a slightly drunk man in one of those horrible plastic pinnies?

Not you.

Royston, mate? Can we score an invite? We’re surprisingly efficient with localised blazes.


By Kelly Welles


Images: Facebook, Instagram.

Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea, Royston Drenthe, Monaco, Reading

Jurgen Klopp: A different approach


At the end of last season, Felix Magath sent his players to Nepal, where they were instructed to climb Mount Everest**, unaccompanied and unaided, and then find their way back to Fulham’s training ground for bleep tests.

They’re not back yet, but while we’ve been waiting, we’ve been wondering whether it’s necessary to take such a severe approach to pre-season.

Take Jurgen Klopp, for instance. A quick glance across Borussia Dortmund’s Facebook page demonstrates that while Kloppy’s sessions are filled with vigorous exercise, there’s plenty of good cheer and merriment. On top of that, he still appears capable of finding time for serious football business. Klopp’s training regime includes:


Cardio in a cape.


Player discipline.

hiding in plain sight

Conducting psychological experiments on his players.


Perusing the transfer market in search of up and coming players.


Personal hygiene.


It just shows you, as long as you’ve got a solid backroom staff to rely on, you can achieve almost anything.

Food for thought, Mr Magath? We think so.



By Kelly Welles


Images via facebook, twitter.

Borussia Dortmund, Jurgen Klopp

Nico Mendez: Do not adjust your face

robben messi

Football caricatures are ten a penny at the mo - the earning potential of a few sketches of players being significantly higher during an international football tournament - but these, by artist Nico Mendez, are by far the best we’ve seen.


Nico doesn’t limit himself to footballers either. All manner of celebrity imperfections are exaggerated to hilarious effect on his Facebook page, and he’s not afraid to turn his unforgiving eye on himself either.


I suppose when you’re that good looking and talented, you can afford to.







By Kelly Welles


All images ©Nico Mendez. Check out more of his work on Facebook.

Lionel Messi, Uruguay, Wayne Rooney, Luis Suarez, Arjen Robben, Nico Mendez, Juan Roman Riquelme

Cesc Fabregas & Eva Carneiro: Initiation rites & wrongs

And there we were thinking the Macarena couldn’t get any worse.

Cheers for that, Cesc, Eva & the rest of the Chelsea crew for encouraging them. 


By Kelly Welles


Via Instagram. H/T @jennyra3.

Chelsea, Cesc Fabregas, Eva Carneiro

Real Madrid vs. Roma: Friendly fires

The confluence of events enabling Luis Suarez to be banned from both international and club football for such a significant period of time that his first game back would be against his new club’s arch rivals was so serendipitous, we almost believed that Pepe would have taken anger management classes, just to counterbalance fate.


Thankfully, we don’t have that kind of influence over world events just yet. And the Portuguese madman has once again proved he’s as capable as ever of getting into rows, offering hope that his encounter with Suarez in October will be the meaty affair we’re all secretly hoping for.


Last night, Seydou Keita refused to shake Pepe’s hand prior to Madrid’s friendly against Roma in Dallas; a move that has been linked back to an unpleasant incident between the pair in a Supercopa game back in 2011, when Keita accused Pepe of calling him a ‘monkey’.

Keita then threw a bottle of water at Pepe, narrowly missing the defender’s head, but provoking El Clasico-esque scenes between the players.

At some time during the festivities a football match broke out, Sergio Ramos got nutmegged (2.26) and Fransceco Totti scored the decisive goal.

Best fighting trousers on, Ramblers! The real El Clasico is going to be a barnstormer this year.

Assuming Pepe doesn’t get himself a ban. That’d be suitably ironic.


By Kelly Welles


Images: larepublica, Twitter.

Liverpool, Barcelona, Real Madrid, Roma, Luis Suarez, Francesco Totti

Southampton. Fight or flight?


Hours after Morgan Schneiderlin took to the social networks to express his displeasure at Southampton’s refusal to let him leave for Spurs, rumours abound on Twitter that there has been a punch-up at Southampton’s training ground involving “three senior figures”.


That’s good news for Southampton fans, surely? The squad has been pillaged to such an extent it must be a relief to learn that they have some “senior figures” left.


By Kelly Welles


Images via Twitter.


Things done changed Pt 2: Get your kits out for the lads

Nope. Still looks like a weird Barcelona/Crystal Palace hybrid.

It’s fortunate that football fans operate their finances to a model perfected by FIFA.

Without those massive surpluses, there’s absolutely no way we’d be able to afford our respective club’s home, away, third, Champions League and training kits, new boot silos, not to mention all the other miscellaneous tat that emerges at this time of the year, literally days after we’ve shilled the best part of a hundred quid on our national team’s shirt.


So once you’ve taken delivery of the essentials - your St Pauli waffle iron being the priority - where do you start?

bale madrid

Real Madrid have turned their metrosexual up to eleven with this season’s away kit.

While the 2014/15 home shirt stays true to the Los Blancos tradition, the Galacticos have gone all Priscilla Queen of the Desert with their travelling garms and they’re as fabulous as you might expect. adidas’ detailing has been superb in recent months - the grandad collar we’ve seen across several of their designs is present here - and the font and three stripes look seriously classy against the innovative colouring.


Barcelona fans have already described it as “ugly” and “not very masculine”, presumably having forgotten that just a few short years ago they were sporting one of the most hideous away kits committed to polyester. And that’s before we’ve even mentioned the ‘Solero’ unpleasantness.

As for the masculine thing? Tell it to Pepe.



No shirt highlights package would be complete without mensh of the mayhem currently abounding in the lower tiers of Spanish football.

Above is the new Cultural Leonesa home shirt, which, as you can see, has been designed to resemble a shirt front with dickie bow. Of all the shameless attempts to attract the world’s attention, this is our favourite, simply because of it’s versatility. Wear it to the game, then straight onto the black tie do afterwards without having to go home and change. Win.


The new kits from CD Lugo offer similar convenience. Out in the pub and too drunk to order another beer? Simply point at your shirt and Bingo! A fresh pint will be winging its way across the bar at you and if your mate is wearing the away shirt, probably some poisonous bar snacks too.



Both of the behemoth boot manufacturers had a decent enough World Cup – the adidas adizero F50 claiming the most goals scored while Mario Goetze’s winning punt in the final was channelled through Nike’s Magista – but don’t be thinking either are sitting on their laurels.


Both companies have issued variations on their World Cup silos for the new season. Nike have rejected the blinding colourways of World Cup glory with a Stealth Pack, boasting what are essentially blackout versions of the HyperVenom, Superfly IV, Vapor X, Magista,  & Tiempo, while adidas have gone the other way, updating the classic Predator with colourful version of their Battle Pack design.

Warrior have also been busy. In between finding time to design kits for the likes of Sevilla and Porto, the up & coming apparel company have issued classy colour upgrades to their Gambler and Skreamer silos, while Puma have followed up their gorgeously mismatched evoPOWERs with designer evoSPEED colourways.


These BAPE ones match Mario Balotelli’s Bentley Continental GT too.

It’s the beautiful symmetry you find in football that keeps us coming back, y’all.


By Kelly Welles


Images: footyheadlines @RealDaniGladdy , soccerbible.

Nike, Bayern Munich, Barcelona, adidas, Real Madrid, Warrior, Puma, St Pauli

Jim White wants to fill your void!


Not like that. Filthy.

No, the denizen of Sky’s Transfer Deadline Day coverage has been reanimated a few weeks ahead of schedule to help hapless football fans struggle with the reality of having to straddle the chasm between the World Cup and the new Premier League season starting.


Apparently, if you call 0333 202 2177, Jim’s dulcet tones will soothe you through the pain, right up until the 16th August when Sky’s coverage of the BestLeagueInTheWorld™ recommences, and an entirely different kind of pain begins.

Look at those hilarious photos. The Sky Sports marketing department is literally on fire, Ruud.


By Kelly Welles

Sky Sports, Jim White

Things done changed Pt 1: He did what now?


What the hell is that?

You leave football unattended for ten days, and when you return, you find that not only has it gnawed through its lead and run off howling into the wilderness, it did so after shaving its head and slipping into a smart new Chelsea shirt.

Oh Cesc, we never knew you. And that, beloved Ramblers, is just the start of it. Over the next couple of days, we’re going to take a wander through some of the more startling sights of the closed season, including new kit releases, transfers and holiday photos.


Because while you lot might insist you’re serious football fans with no interest in pictures of babies, audacious swimsuits and players rolling about on the deck of expensive yachts, our traffic stats tell an entirely different story.

It’s okay. We won’t tell if you don’t.

First up, we have Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan scoring a hat-trick in an exhibition match to celebrate the opening of a new stadium in Istanbul.

Erdogan, who once dismissed recordings of telephone conversations between himself and his son during which they allegedly discussed hiding large sums of money, as “a treacherous attack” and a “shameless montage”, watched his team concede three before nipping on, restoring parity and nipping back off, all completely legitimately.


His former assistant Yusuf Yerkel was not present. A shame really, as the last time he was seen in public, kicking an anti-government protester, he appeared to have a right foot like a traction engine.



How many man points does one receive for scoring the winning goal in a World Cup final? Enough to cancel out the embarrassment of being photographed looking like a petulant toddler who’s just slipped over in some mud in front of a girl and is about to embark on the mother of all tantrums?

We’re going with ‘barely’. You’ve had yer one, Goetze.



Cristiano Ronaldo has had a busy off season.



He’s designed some shoes, shown an uncharacteristic burst of good humour with a Michael Jackson impression (although he did laugh a little too heartily at what was essentially his own gag) and visited Japan to shill ‘facial fitness’ devices that looked like sex toys.


Footwear and sex are both lucrative industries. You can’t blame the man.



Has all this left you feeling a little disorientated?

Fear not, because while all of those about you are losing their heads (or at least shaking them in a committed yet confusing manner) Fernando Torres remained solidly consistent during Chelsea’s friendly vs. Olimpija, missing an absolute sitter.


That, and the fact that El Diego is rumoured to have a new girlfriend twenty-eight years his junior almost restores the balance, doesn’t it?


By Kelly Welles

Germany, Diego Maradona, Chelsea, Cristiano Ronaldo, Mario Goetze, Thomas Muller

World Cup Round-Up: Chewing it over


Unless you’re old enough to remember football before the 1990 World Cup semi-final, the impenetrable assurance and efficiency of the German national team will have been just history to you until last night - a reference point of the past like Brazil in 1970, Hungary during the fifties and the total footballing Netherlands side of the seventies.


That’s not to say they haven’t achieved since a broken Gary Lineker offered his somewhat backhanded compliment after England capitulated to West Germany in that semi-final penalty shootout, but they’ve arguably lacked the cohesion and ruthlessness required to carry them through the seven games required to win a World Cup since that time.

The fact that it was the 5-1 defeat to England in 2001 that contributed to the decision to rethink their strategy is even more ironic now, given that they won this tournament at a canter while the Three Lions have been on the beach for two weeks. 

Is anyone ready to have that conversation yet? No? Ok.


Let’s concentrate on the positives instead, shall we?

There were so many highlights in this competition it would be impossible to list them all, but now the clouds of gas emanating from British pundits and summarisers has finally cleared we can see that Germany were easily the best team of the tournament.

From Neuer’s control of his penalty area and beyond to Muller’s GPS-like accuracy when it comes to popping up in the box, they are a team in the traditional sense of the term.


They had their stand out players but the strength in depth to perform even when they weren’t firing. They tested the referee without invoking his wrath. They had self-belief in buckets but even when they battered the host nation 7-1 in their own backyard they managed to do so without hubris. They didn’t fall apart when one of the best players in that game, Sami Khedira, was injured in the warm-up, forcing a last minute change.

And when the moment finally arrived, so typically in the dying minutes of extra time, a twenty-two year old came off the bench with the words “show them you’re better than Messi and can decide the World Cup,” ringing in his ears and did.

The Little Maestro himself, winner of four Ballon D’ors, breaker of so many records it’s actually a record itself (probably), could only dream of such composure in front of goal.


It was a fitting end to a tournament that offers plenty for historians to chew over, not least the dismissal of a forward for biting a defender. The end of a football dynasty. A crushing, humiliating defeat for a country who took a game and made it beautiful. A terrifying, gigantic insect attaching itself to a penalty taker. Fred.

And while they’re doing that, we’ll be concentrating on adjusting to a life that doesn’t include three football matches per day and the knowledge that even when that joy does return, we’ll all be four years older, four years fatter and four years further away from representing our country at the highest level of football.


On the plus side, at least Rihanna will be too old for ligging at football matches. Hopefully.


By Kelly Welles

Brazil, Netherlands, Germany, Argentina, Lionel Messi, World Cup 2014, Gonzalo Higuain

World Cup Round-Up: Ain’t that a kick in the head?


If ever there was a game in need of the Football Ramble’s guide to improving football, this was it.

The eight goal thriller of the previous evening loomed large over Netherlands vs. Argentina. Couple that will well drilled players knowing exactly who the other team’s key men were and stifling them accordingly and it becomes obvious that this was always going to be a tight, attritional game that set foot on the slippery slope towards penalties in the first half and rarely looked willing or able to step off.

Undoubtedly better.

So, having sat through ninety minutes of turgid footie, a further thirty minutes of extra time and a penalty shoot out are you seriously telling me a twelve foot pit full of water behind the goal line or electrodes in players boots programmed to issue electric shocks at a manager’s whim wouldn’t have improved this as a viewing experience?

Confident, isn’t he?

There was the odd stand out moment. Net puppy Jasper Cillessen attempting to prove van Gaal was a fool to take him off last time round (he wasn’t) by chucking in not one, but two drag backs as terrifying Argentinian goalscorers bore down upon him at speed.


The opportunity to debate once again exactly what evolutionary factors were in play when South American blokes developed skulls seemingly impervious to kicking.

Not to mention Arjen Robben’s stoicism as he turned away from his wife and howling, disconsolate son after approaching them in the stands.

What? You wanted proper football related highlights? Did you see the game?


By Kelly Welles

Argentina, World Cup 2014, Brazil 2014, The Netherlands

Clint Dempsey: You’ve got what in your pocket?

Here it is, folks. Clint ‘Deuce’ Dempsey & XO’s first release from the album The ReDUX.

Apparently, he likes big knots in his pocket and fresh kicks when he’s walking.

Surprisingly honest for a man in his position, wouldn’t you say?


H/T @JJAQuigley for the spot.

Clint Dempsey

Lionel Messi & Louis van Gaal: New balls, please!


And if last night wasn’t traumatic enough for you, here’s what we have to look forward to in tonight’s semi-final, according to Dutch daily De Telegraaf.



By Kelly Welles


H/T @MessiStats.

Lionel Messi

World Cup Round-Up: Embarrass ‘em!

There was a point where it did get a bit embarrassing.

In the brief moment between the third and fourth goals maybe, when an almost imperceptible wave of realisation seemed to wash over the German players and for a second they understood the magnitude of what they were doing, and more importantly, what they could do.


The founders of o jogo bonito playing in their first World Cup on home soil since 1950.

A seemingly unbreakable bond between each other and their supporters, forged to drive them to glory despite the loss of their captain and their talismanic striker.

The romance and joy that would transcend football and lift a troubled nation.

Crushed beneath the might of a German side with a job to do.

♫ 7-1, even Sami scored, 7-1, even Sami scored ♫

It wasn’t the scoreline, although that was catastrophic enough. It wasn’t even the manner of the defeat or the ease with which the Germans shifted the ball around the broken Brazilians - whose faces reflected the disbelief, heartbreak and humiliation - and smashed it into the net time and time again.

It was the message.

The beautiful game isn’t yours any more. You might have given birth to it, nurtured it and cared for it for all this time but now it’s out there in the world and can choose to live with whoever wants it the most.

Luiz Felipe Scolari called it “The worst day of my life.”

Until he loses an FA Cup third round fixture to Rochdale, we can’t test the veracity of that statement, but we’ll hazard a guess that he’s feeling worse than our beloved Brian McDermott right now.

And for some considerable time to come.


By Kelly Welles

Brazil, Germany, World Cup 2014

New sheason, new shirts, shorts & shinnies

Having not wasted £90 on an England shirt, you should be perfectly positioned to cough up for some club apparel to celebrate the new domestic season.

Fortunately for you, kit manufacturers know this and have taken the opportunity to flood the market with exciting new footie wear in the hope that you’ll ignore your other half’s pleas for financial sanity and insistence that a fifth shirt in two years is not necessary.

Here are some of the items you could be wearing to your local pub’s singles night in just a few weeks time.


Manchester United (2014/15 home shirt)

It’s red and black, the launch video emphasised strong links to the local area as well as the importance of tradition at the club. 

Which is presumably why they chose an American car company who’ve just pulled out of Europe due to poor market share to sponsor them.


Inter Milan (2014/15 home shirt)


While the internet was busy speculating about how many refreshments the Inter Milan decision makers had had before writing this press release about amendments to the club badge, they sneaked this new home shirt out.


Are they hoping the hardcore don’t notice that a new pinstripe look has replaced the iconic stripes or is this simply a matter of keeping up with the noisy neighbours?

On the plus side, it’ll go beautifully with a work suit.


Everton (2014/15 home shirt)

Not being fashion aficionados in any sense of the term, we have no clue whether the narrow stripe is en vogue on the catwalks of Paris and London. It does appear to be de rigeur among kit manufacturers though, with Umbro being the latest to experiment.

The new Everton home shirt boasts not just any old stripe, though. What you see here is a “textured micro shadow stripe”, which along with navy grandad collar and dropped hem make one of the cleanest footie blouses we’ve seen in a long while.

It comes with a free stick on pencil moustache and hipster sideys too. And if it doesn’t, it should.


Liverpool (2014/15 third kit)


There’s no such thing as bad publicity. Warrior tested this theory fully with their first go at Liverpool’s third kit, but fans will be relieved to see that the American manufacturer has taken a less migraine inducing approach with this season’s effort.


Admittedly it’s not perfect. There’s a sash - a difficult look for a grown male to pull off at the best of times - but it’s blended quite nicely with the black and grey stripes and is an effective way of getting the traditional red into a design without making it look forced.

Or like you might find a 3D image of Luis Suarez’ gob in it if you cross your eyes and stare.


Azzurri Shinpads


Still got some cash left over? Looking for a way to make yourself stand out on the pitch for reasons other than your footballing ineptitude AND donate to charity to placate your still furious partner?

Juventus defender and armed mugger puncher Leonardo Bonucci is auctioning off these ace limited edition World Cup shinpads to raise money for Live Onlus - a charitable project dedicated to raising money for local causes.


Players featured include Gigi Buffon, Mattia De Sciglio and Salvatore Sirigu as well as the lad himself.

de rossi

Unsurprisingly, the Daniele De Rossi ones are already gone. They really thought the Colosseum could contain him?


By Kelly Welles

Manchester United, Liverpool, Everton, Leonardo Bonucci, Inter Milan

Hello? Is that the illiterate tattooist? I’ve got a brilliant idea…


Getting a tattoo to commemorate a player being sent home from a major tournament for biting the opposition is a poor judgement call at best.

We’re hardly ones to criticise. But at least all our crap tattoos are spelt correctly.


By Kelly Welles

H/T @BbhoyMcCallion, via 101greatgoals.

Uruguay, Luis Suarez

Alhaji Kamara: Keep on running

Norrkoping striker Alhaji Kamara responded to a second yellow and subsequent red card in his side’s Allsvenskan fixture vs. Orebro yesterday by running off the pitch, screaming his little heart out.

No idea why. It’s not as if Kenny Pavey was after him.


By Kelly Welles

Kenny Pavey, Allsvenskan, Orebro, Norrkoping, Alhaji Kamara

World Cup Weekender: Angels & Insects

France 0-1 Germany

The good news is, France didn’t explode in an embarrassing mess all over the World Cup’s trousers. The bad news is that this defeat to a reportedly flu-raddled German side ruins the somewhat bipolar World Cup cycle that began with that magical victory in 1998.

Since then, they’ve either gone out in the group stages or got to the final.

Maybe they believed this cycle would continue, hence the somewhat relaxed approach to training last week, although it has to be said that Germany, with their stubborn high line and stingy midfield, looked the more likely.

Mats Hummels’ twelfth minute strike settled the encounter and the Germans were relatively comfortable sitting it out, repelling Karim Benzema’s raids into the box and some lovely creative work from Mathieu Valbuena and the angelic Antoine Griezmann, although the latter fell victim to his own naivety on one or two occasions.


Not to worry, France fans. If he continues keeping the company he has been, naivety will be but a fond yet distant memory.


Brazil 2-1 Colombia

Insect or FIFA drone?

And so it transpires that medics in Fortaleza weren’t the only people filmed treating Neymar’s spine irresponsibly.



In the hours after it was confirmed that the 22-year-old Brazilian talisman was out of the tournament with what is essentially a broken back, Argentina fans were filmed waving what we only hope is a plastic replica of his spinal column.

Seriously. If that is actually Neymar’s spinal column, the authorities should be concerned. That would be the most serious breach of World Cup security since those Chilean fans invaded the Maracana media centre.

Has anyone seen those guys since they were marched round the back of the stadium, by the way?


Netherlands 0-0 Costa Rica (Netherlands win 4-3 on penalties)


Could’ve been us, y’know.

If England had been true to previous tournament form, it would have been us crashing out on penalties after holding a technically superior side to 0-0 for one hundred and twenty minutes.

Take a moment to think about that, Ramblers. How would we feel about Louis van Gaal’s inspired keeper substitution if Tim Krul had saved penalties from Stevie G and Gary Cahill instead of Brian Ruiz and Michael Umaña? Would the media have sought to prove an injustice, thus raising hackles against the new Manchester United manager before he’s even through the door?


Would Arjen Robben have been demonised via a series of cruel tabloidy memes for his ruthless exploitation of a match official’s inability to read minds, thus rendering a move to the BestLeagueInTheWorld™ impossible and his career essentially a failure?

Fortunately, these are questions we don’t have to answer because while England failed to launch, Group D whipping boys Costa Rica had a stormer. Sigh.


Argentina 1-0 Belgium


Argentina haven’t exactly lit a pale blue touchpaper with their performances so far, but confidence isn’t a problem. While their fans were busy swinging their rivals replica body parts in the air, players celebrated this narrow victory with a terrible rendition of ‘Bad Moon Rising’, although taking care to ensure that the camera operator was so inept, the footage wouldn’t be admissible in a court of law.


Worse still, the amended lyrics referred to Argentina’s intention to metaphorically widdle all over Brazil’s doorstep and Diego Maradona’s superiority to Pele.

As yet we have not been able to obtain a response from Pele, but can only assume it will look something like this.



By Kelly Welles

Brazil, Netherlands, Germany, France, Argentina, World Cup 2014, Colombia, Belgium, Costa Rica

World Cup Anime: Cats, not lions? What are they implying?


Everyone has an angle during the World Cup but this collection of anime mascots is among the most interesting to emerge from our overstuffed inboxes.



Compiled by an as yet unnamed artist, the pieces riff on cultural reference points from each nation, and while one or two are unnecessarily ‘vivid’ (for vivid, read unsettling and bafflingly crass), the majority are spot on.



Especially Switzerland. We cannot emphasise that enough.


Switzerland. For all your cheese and multipurpose knife needs, yo.


By Kelly Welles


Images: escapistmagazine via @hbandsandhbreak.

England, Spain, France, Switzerland, World Cup 2014

France: Coming from behind?

How have France reacted to the news that up to seven Germany players are suffering from ‘flu-like symptoms’ in the run-up to tonight’s quarter-final game?

Extra doggies? Double training sessions? One touch passing drills?

Nope. They’re seeing whether they can score from behind the goal. Confident, much?


By Kelly Welles


H/T BBC Sporf.

Germany, France

Your World Cup Wind Down Survival Kit


Are you languishing in a pit of despair now that the World Cup has selfishly removed your right to watch three football matches a day? Are you unclear how you’re going to make it through the rest of the summer?

Fear not, fair Ramblers. Here is a picture of David Nugent in a bra to ease you through the suffering.

Vive la Difference!


By Kelly Welles


H/T Adam Feneley‎!

Leicester City, David Nugent

World Cup Round-Up: Bare Force One

Argentina 1-0 Switzerland


Retirement has been hard on Claudio Caniggia.

Another day, another heartbreaking defeat for a ‘plucky’ team who didn’t stand a cat in hell’s chance before kick-off.

Argentina’s creativity, which has been sluggish out of the blocks throughout the tournament, was stifled by a disciplined Swiss side who came agonisingly close to a breakthrough on more than one occasion.


Well hellooooooo, laydee.

It was an awkward one for the viewing public. The allure of the underdog was overwhelming as time passed and Argentina failed to fire, but any desire to see Switzerland turn them over was quickly extinguished by the sight of Sepp Blatter in the stands and the subsequent realisation that being a Swiss national, in theory he would be supporting them.


Best to concentrate instead on Xherdan Shaqiri, who aside from a turn of speed that belies his podgy frame, has calves as big as his head.

It’s the incisive football analysis that keeps you coming back, y’all.


Belgium 2-1 USA


Meanwhile, American citizens are currently considering a revamp of their entire political system that would facilitate the promotion of a certain Tim Howard to the White House.

President-elect Howard, who has been plying his trade in the United Kingdom for eleven years now (you’re welcome, United States) broke an actual world record in last night’s fixture, making fifteen saves against a Belgium side who finally lived up to their pre-tournament billing.

The Republicans will just love him.

Indeed, it was eccy time before Belgium put something together to outwit the heroic Bearded Man of North Brunswick, former Chelsea poppet Kevin De Bruyne bundling a loose ball into the net on 93 minutes and Romelu Lukaku doubling the lead twelve minutes later.

But we’ve all seen Rocky enough times to know that US sportsmen never say die, and although the Belgium one-two had them rocking, there was enough time for the sprightly sub to run on and score a volley on his competitive debut. Belgium, who obviously haven’t seen Stallone’s finest moment on film, managed to repel efforts towards an equaliser and the United States was left to rue what could have been.

While presumably eyeing up the possibility of a sequel in four years time.


By Kelly Welles

USA, Switzerland, Argentina, Belgium

World Cup Round-Up: Now is the end of the gamble

Germany 2-1 Algeria


Faithful Ramblers will remember that when Manuel Neuer signed for Bayern Munich from their rivals Schalke, he was presented with a code of conduct by the Munich Ultras. This included (but was not limited to) never approaching the South Stand where the Ultras sit, never to use their megaphone to initiate chants and never, under any circumstances, to kiss his club badge.

Presumably they didn’t want him to get his Schalke cooties on it.


Arguably if he’d have been as tolerant and respectful of football convention last night, his country (including those genius Ultras) might be waking up this morning to the knowledge they’d just been unceremoniously booted out of the World Cup by a team who had never made it past the group stages. His marauding, sweeper ‘keeper turn contributed heavily to Germany’s progression into the next round and at times, put his defenders on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

Let’s just hope the free kick farrago was a mistake. Because if they’re doing that kind of thing for shitz and giggles in a last sixteen match, there’s no hope for anyone. No matter what continent they hail from.


France 2-0 Nigeria


The upshot of all that is that the French are now arguably the most sensible team in their next fixture - a feat their conduct hasn’t allowed for in quite some time. They left it late against Nigeria, who were punished for their profligacy in front of goal; firstly by the comedically coiffed Paul Pogba and then by their own Joseph Yobo.

The upcoming quarter final could either be the most dour game in World Cup history, or a veritable circus of fistfights, pratfalls and suicidal shot stopping.

If only England were still involved.


By Kelly Welles

Germany, France, Nigeria, Algeria

Mauricio Pinilla: One centimetre from classy


So near to glory… and yet so far. He’s making a habit of this, isn’t he?


By Kelly Welles


Image via @tattoorockers. H/T @JonHyde1871

Chile, Mauricio Pinilla

World Cup Weekender: Das Boot

Brazil 1-1 Chile
Brazil win 3-2 on pelanties


While Howard Webb’s ability to walk unmolested through the streets of Brazil took a serious knock during this tense opener to the weekend’s action, unusually for a British official at a major tournament, his decision making ability did not. After several thousand replays from every conceivable angle, it was proven that Webb’s assistant, Mike Mullarkey, was correct in his assertion that Hulky controlled the ball with his shoulder. He was also quite brave, given his proximity to the terrifying forward.

Brazil still don’t appear to be firing on all cylinders though, and after sneaking through via the penalty hatch will face a far sterner test vs. Colombia next Friday. Is it too soon to say highlight of the quarter finals? Probably.

But it is.


Colombia 2-0 Uruguay


As the ball hung in the air and the fresh faced 22-year-old turned his head to check the defender and goalkeeper’s positioning before chesting it down and smacking it perfectly into the back of the net, did anyone else think back to Roy Hodgson’s youthful England side and smile a rueful smile?

Thought so. Sigh.


Costa Rica 1-1 Greece
Costa Rica win 5-3 on pelanties


The sheer bloody-mindedness required for Costa Rica to see this through to the bitter end while down to ten men should stand them in good stead when they play The Netherlands next Saturday, but it pays not to be too hasty in this World Cup. A few weeks ago, we were writing them off as the guaranteed whipping boys of Group D; a team likely to have been mauled into a malleable pulp by the time England got to them.

We all know how that turned out.

Assuming they can avoid becoming Robbenry victims, there’s no reason whatsoever that they can’t do some damage to the Netherlands and possibly wend their merry way through to the semis.

Imagine the scenes, as a certain Spellsy might say.


Netherlands 2-1 Mexico


In this tournament, every good refereeing decision prompts an equal and opposite poor refereeing decision. Unfortunate Mexico were on on the wrong end of two contentious calls during this game, the final one inevitably involving the ability of a 5ft 10ins footballer with otherwise excellent balance to stay on his feet when standing in a chalk box.

Mexico more than held their own for long periods of the game and while no one would have begrudged The Netherlands’ moving through to the quarter-finals off the back of a cracking strike, it wasn’t just El Tricolor fans left feeling bitter at the manner of their exit.

It’s a shame, really. Their group stage performances were thrilling but if they go on to win the darn thing, it’s always going to feel like it’s because Arjen Robben dived.

Which frankly sucks.


By Kelly Welles

Brazil, Greece, Colombia, Uruguay, Mexico, Chile, Costa Rica, The Netherlands

Our Book of the Week: Every Boy’s Dream by Chris Green


One thing is for sure. If England performed well and won an international football tournament, we as a country wouldn’t know what to do with ourselves. As the team arrived home and strode down the steps of their official plane brandishing one of the few massive shiny trophies that Sergio Ramos hasn’t thrown under the wheels of a passing bus, we’d simply stare, our mouths hanging open as our minds frantically tried to rearrange the images into something recognisable.

It’s something of a relief then, that the chances of that happening in the near future are hovering at around the same level as the ambient temperature of the Uruguay dressing room right now and we can throw ourselves into the biennial inquest with significantly more gusto than any of our players demonstrated during the tournament.

The usual questions have been dusted off and are being presented in various iterations as we speak; why are England so consistently poor in major tournaments; why can’t English players translate their excellent domestic form for their country; why do they look so miserable all the time?

Why didn’t we just appoint Harry Redknapp?


In order to avoid desperate, recidivist measures such as the above and the same cycle kicking off again in late June 2016, we must look deeper than the simplistic “too many foreigners” in the game argument and drill down into the stuff we as a nation find deeply uncomfortable. This includes, but is not limited to, recognising we no longer own the game of football.

Other countries, upon realising that their national team was not performing as expected, have examined their systems and reset, sacrificing short term success  for long term progress. We sack managers and spend £120m on a sparkly new National Football Centre that our first team don’t use that often because it’s in the wrong place.

And that isn’t even the most annoying bit.

In his 2009 book, ‘Every Boy’s Dream’, Chris Green sets out the situation in plain, unvarnished terms. Having interviewed many people involved in the game, from parents of prospective talents to former heads of youth development at the FA, he concludes that inadequate training resources (including unqualified, inexperienced coaches), power struggles between the three governing bodies (the FA, the Football League and the Premier League), the trawling of pre-pubescent talent by Premier League academies and too much organised football are all contributory factors to England’s malaise.

The book, which is refreshingly accessible given the layers of bureaucracy and corporate aggrandising involved in the subject matter, explains how the inception of the Premier League not only slashed the funding available for training facilities in the lower tiers of football but increased competition for talent between financially secure clubs.  Despite rules being in place regarding the age a boy can be signed and the distance he is allowed to travel for training, Green describes how parents can become so dazzled by the opportunities available to a talented youngster that they will drive their kids hundreds of miles a week to play for twenty minutes. 

Unsurprisingly, the clubs show slightly less commitment when it comes to releasing them.

If you’ve heard former England right back and FA England Commission member Danny Mills’ summarising for BBC 5Live, you’ll have heard him mention a few of these ideas between throwing buckets of water at Chris Waddle. He has articulated the climate of fear within which young players must ply their trade; fear of ridicule, fear of making mistakes, fear of being dropped and losing their chance of a lucrative career in the most glamorous sport in the world.

Players look like they’re scared and under pressure while wearing an England shirt because they are.

Whether he’s read ‘Every Boy’s Dream’ or his personal experiences have contributed to his opinion, I can’t say, but in theory at least, it should be reassuring to have someone on the FA England Commission who is apparently aware of the scale of the task ahead if we’re ever going to truly be able to say we are be proud of our team. But while their recent report paid lip service to matters such as grassroots training and the prioritising of the Premier League over England, it’s perfectly clear that fundamental changes to football’s existing structure are not on the agenda.

Instead of reading that in an attempt to understand the deficiencies of the England national team, read ‘Every Boy’s Dream’. When you’re fully acquainted with the information that we’re supposed to believe was available to a writer but not those charged with improving football, you won’t feel any better but at least you’ll be a little clearer as to where the problem lies.


By Kelly Welles


Every Boy’s Dream is among several excellent football books published by Bloomsbury and available for 30% off during the World Cup. Check them out here.

Premier League, England, Chris Green, Every Boy's Dream, The FA, Football League, FA Commission

World Cup Round-Up: The ‘Hands-Off’ Approach

Nigeria 2-3 Argentina


As far as Diego Maradona is concerned, this is an absolute disaster. Aside from his prowess with the ladies, his position as the greatest footballer ever to emerge from Argentina is vital to maintaining his substantial ego and Lionel Messi’s failure to perform at an international tournament was the only thing keeping the El Diego blimp inflated.

Now look what’s happened.


The diminutive forward, whose domestic season is widely perceived to have been patchy, scored two in this game, propelling him to four in the tournament and position of joint top scorer with Neymar.


Three wins from three games sees Argentina, who were rescued from what could have been an embarrassing draw to Iran by a Messi special, finish top of the group but despite this defeat Nigeria have done enough to qualify as runners up. But El Diego’s eyes will be firmly fixed on the Switzerland fixture and beyond, chewing his onion and fearing the worst. Leo needs two goals (finished with the foot or the hand) and two assists to nail his predecessor’s record in Mexico ‘86.

If that happens, Messi’s only hope of survival is to sign for Napoli.


Bosnia-Herzegovina 3-1 Iran


If Iran had just managed to hold on for another couple of minutes, they might have taken a point off Argentina. Or three. And since we all love a bit of extrapolation during World Cup time, that boost might have been sufficient to propel them past Bosnia-Herzegovina and they might have won the group and gone on a run and maybe even won the tournament!


Alright, but still, people! Iran! You’ve got to hand it to them. While most of us were eyeing Bosnia-Herzegovina as the potential spanner in Argentina and Nigeria’s works, Iran’s spirit and intensity helped them push opposition teams far further than we could have imagined. They can leave the tournament with their heads held high, which is considerably more than some, more ‘politically evolved’ societies can claim.

Sadly, England will be too busy pointing out that Queiroz has resigned to notice the irony.


Honduras 0-3 Switzerland


Picture the scene. In the unlikely event that Switzerland beat Argentina, they could, at least theoretically, face the USA in quarter-finals. If that does happen, the World Cup would probably have exploded anyway, so why bother with a game? Instead, let’s have legendary rap superstar and all round G, Clint ‘Deuce’ Dempsey facing off with Xherdan ‘It’s puppy fat!’ Shaqiri in a rap battle.


Both have shown promise in the area before, the centre circle would be perfect for all their mates to stand around shouting while wearing impossibly large headphones and, as is traditional in these affairs, they would be spitting insults at one another while all the time hating on ‘The Man’, who is in fact, FIFA.

No one loses.


Ecuador 0-0 France

“It’s not their [the players] fault,” Didier Deschamps told a press conference after this feisty but ultimately fruitless draw that sees France qualify as group winners. “Let them be happy. We didn’t win this match and we tried everything, but it’s not my role to tell them to cool down.”


Um, isn’t that approach Raymond Domenech took? And look what happened to him!


By Kelly Welles

France, Switzerland, Argentina, Nigeria, Honduras, Ecuador, Iran, Bosnia-Herzegovina

World Cup Round-Up: With Teeth


It was 175-1, apparently.175-1 for the man voted PFA Player of the Year to bite an opponent during the most prestigious football tournament in the world.

For most of us it would have been a point of amusement prior to kick-off, a reference to a time before Suarez sorted his head out and supposedly left the on-pitch amateur dramatics - a series of murky deeds ranging from the mundane (diving), via the idiotic (racism) to the absolutely inexplicable (biting) - behind him.


Watching the game last night with a friend who doesn’t generally follow football but is sufficiently aware of the game to know Suarez’ teeth had offended before, remarked “Once is bad enough, but twice? He’ll get a lifetime ban for that, won’t he?”. I was forced, reluctantly given this is the sport I love, to advise that this was Suarez’ third offence. Not second.

Their facial expression said it all.


Once is madness. When Suarez bit Otman Bakkal in 2010, he was Ajax captain but his disciplinary record was already questionable. His deliberate handball in the quarter-final of that year’s World Cup and subsequent cheering after Asamoah Gyan missed the resulting penalty had not endeared him to an audience who felt Ghana had been robbed of their rightful place in the semi-finals. But a seven match ban was served and the assumption made that Suarez would mature in time and learn to control his peculiar impulses.

By the time he bit Branislav Ivanovic three years later, there was little evidence he had. In December 2011 he had been found guilty of racially abusing Manchester United’s Patrice Evra and served an eight match ban. His frequent and occasionally hilarious attempts to con officials by throwing himself to the ground were felt by some managers to be having such a significant impact on matches that calls for retrospective punishment became deafening.


He served a ten match ban for that bite. Internet meme producers exploded.

Until he sank his teeth into Giorgio Chiellini’s shoulder last night, it remained something of a joke. We were assured by Suarez’ club (whose backing of the player during the aftermath of the Evra incident was described by some as ‘shameful’) that he had grown up and accepted responsibility for his actions, and towards the end of last season Suarez indeed played a key part in Liverpool’s push for the Premier League title, attracting interest and bids of up to £80m from Real Madrid, if press reports are to be believed.

His career, encompassing all of the above as well as the absurd ability he has on the field, is now on a knife edge. Pending a FIFA investigation, he is unlikely to feature in this tournament again, and without his prowess Uruguay are unlikely to progress any further. His football future in the long term hangs in the balance too, with the possibility of a two year ban already mentioned.

Unfortunately, given the joy (and agony) he is able to unleash on the field, his inability to control his impulses must be severely punished if only to eliminate the ludicrous possibility of defenders losing concentration because they’re afraid of being bitten. Liverpool will suffer, Uruguay will suffer, football will suffer, but Suarez has defined his own career and must accept the consequences.

Back in 2013, in the aftermath of the Ivanovic bite, the BBC interviewed sports psychologist Dr Thomas Fawcett, who responded to claims that Suarez had been offered anger management therapy with a eerily prescient statement.

“It’s in the man.” he said.

“I would think that in five years’ time if there was a certain nerve hit or chord rung with Suarez in a different situation he would react in the same way.”

Five years? It took less than two. It seems the odds are not in Suarez’ favour.


By Kelly Welles

Liverpool, World Cup 2014, Chelsea, Uruguay, Luis Suarez, Branislav Ivanovic

World Cup Weekender: A word from our sponsors


After last week’s rather ambitious attempt to watch all the games and report on them resulted in excessive drinking, snacking and hallucinations of Pete Donaldson in his Morph suit, a more reasoned approach was adopted for this weekend’‘s round of games. I watched what I could and ignored the ones I couldn’t.

Anyone who believes this simply isn’t good enough should contact our new Complaints Officer (pictured above) who’ll be glad to assist you.


Italy 0-1 Costa Rica


With Gary Lineker leading the charge, a significant proportion of England fans slipped into the Italy shirts they happened to have knocking around and professed allegiance to the Azurri in a one time only deal.


The power of England was instantly transferred to Italy and, of course, our only hope of World Cup glory stumbled to a dismal 1-0 defeat with all their best players looking like they were carrying their own personal Sam Allardyce on their backs.

It was like being knocked out all over again, but I do wonder how many of those fans, if pressed, would admit to genuinely wanting to go through to the last sixteen of a major tournament via the backdoor at the expense of another, better team? Particularly a major tournament that has already given us some astonishing football, heroic goals and controversy aplenty.

If many answer yes, those conducting the biennial inquest could do worse than add that to their agenda under the header ‘Tragic state of affairs.’


Switzerland 2-5 France


According to the runes, France a due a good tournament and as though through sheer force of will alone, it looks like they’re going to have one. Eight goals in two games so far, six different scorers, and as yet no reports of major disruption in the team seem to have proved Didier Deschamps was correct to leave certain parties at home, although Samir Nasri’s girlfriend Anara Atanes seems determined to convince the world the Manchester City midfielder is happier on the beach.


Don’t panic if you’ve opted for Switzerland as your second team though. Providing they recover from this battering, their first round win against Ecuador and anything vs. Honduras on Wednesday should see them comfortably through. Which is why it’s fine for us to summarise the game with this picture illustrating just how tiny Mathieu Valbuena actually is.



Germany 2-2 Ghana

Headbutted(ish) in the first game, Thomas Muller completed a facial injury double in this tightly contested match, taking John Boye’s shoulder full in the chiselled cheekbone. As is usual when a large bone moving at speeds hits a much smaller, more delicate bone, Muller’s face exploded and he required several minutes of medical attention.

This clarification is necessary because anyone who watched England vs. Uruguay might be labouring under the misapprehension that the normal response to this particular injury is to fall unconscious for forty-five seconds, then leap to your feet and start bellowing at anyone who has the temerity to tell you to leave the field of play.


Alvaro Pereira, ladies and gentlemen.


Argentina 1-0 Iran


Fear not, Iran! Your government might be panicking at the prospect of people enjoying the World Cup to such an extent that they’re threatening crackdowns on public gatherings, but support for your team was not in short supply for this fixture vs. tournament behemoths Argentina.


After half an hour or so it was tough not to scream support for the men in red who suppressed Argentina’s talent and verve so stoically and at times were a forehead’s breadth away from taking a 1-0 lead. Typically it was Lionel Messi who dug out his colleagues, making space for himself on the edge of the eighteen yard box before smashing one past goalkeeper Alireza Haghighi in the 91st minute.


Son Thiago was on hand to see his Dad save the day. He’ll need to get used to that shirt. If the rest of La Albiceleste don’t pull their fingers out, he’s going to be getting a call up a little earlier than expected…


USA 2-2 Portugal


Speaking of last gasp goals by teams who should have been a country mile ahead, congratulations to Silvestre Varela, who saved Cristiano Ronaldo the embarrassment of losing to SAWKER small fry. They aren’t supposed to be a force in world football but the USA outshone Portugal for long periods of the game - one of the highlights being another goal from everyone’s favourite rap star, Clint Dempsey.


How does that man find the time to be a hero for his country, make an actual, proper album and be Jeff Goldblum’s real life successor, all in one lifetime?

This is why, Landon. This is why.


By Kelly Welles


H/T @Barzaboy.

USA, Portugal, Germany, France, Switzerland, Argentina, Ghana, Iran

World Cup Round-Up*: Clever girl!

Uruguay 2-1 England

¡Buenos días! What a fantastic morning to be from Uruguay!

You have to love the World Cup don’t you, with its playful manipulation of expectation and wilful urge to make perfect patterns from peoples raw emotion. Ignominious defeat in the opening game is forgotten as the country basks in the joy of comprehensively beating the mighty England, Home of Football™, 2-1.

A talismanic striker - a man who just four weeks ago was under the surgeon’s knife after spending two seasons provoking ire and controversy from the Premier League faithful - returns to the field of play and becomes a hero. First from a moment of genius by the most ludicrously rock star-esque footballer to squeeze into the unnervingly tight Uruguay shirt, then via the second most unfortunate error his captain has made this year.


It was like poetry in motion, unless you happen to be from Croxteth, in which case your failure to change the game is punishable by a picture of your four-year-old son appearing on the front of the ‘nation’s favourite’ newspaper.


Look, it’s either this or wallow in the same old depression that descends upon around this point every two years. This or bitch on social media or radio phone ins about how Roy got it wrong, how the team got it wrong, how we’re not good enough. Listening to Chris Waddle’s now traditional biennial rant and Andy Townsend’s increasingly nonsensical use of the term ‘in and around’.

Can’t be arsed. Even if Mario Balotelli does earn the right to kiss the Queen.


Colombia 2-1 Ivory Coast

Joe Hart’s efforts at the National Anthem aside, would England have celebrated like if they’d scored the winning goal? No.


Instead of a media post-mortem that drills down into the personal/professional failings of England players and the ‘ineptitude’ of the manager and a Football Association that leaves tyre marks in its haste to depart before anyone attempts to engage it in serious discussion about youth policy, why can’t we just spend the next four years practicing and perfecting a victory dance?

Would the outcome be any more depressing? Really?


Japan 0-0 Greece

Right, that’s enough complaining. Other football matches have taken place, y’know. Matches that are just as important to the countries involved as England vs. Uruguay was to England. Ask the bloke in the picture.

Theoretically, both Japan and Greece could still qualify for the knockout stage of the tournament if results go their way. After this 0-0 draw, “Japan face Colombia, who have already qualified with six points, and a win could still take them above Ivory Coast, whose current tally is three points while the Greeks must defeat the Ivorians and hope that Japan’s result gives them a chance to finish…               

Ah, bugger it. I’m off to Photoshop the lads into some Game of Thrones posters. Speller will love that.


By Kelly Welles


Images: buzzfeed, Getty.

England, Greece, Colombia, Uruguay, Japan

World Cup Round-Up: The highlight of the tournament so far

Australia 2-3 The Netherlands


People, the highlight of the tournament so far occurred during this match and it’s only appropriate that we pause to bask in its inescapable glory. We’re barely a week in and there have been many pretenders to the much contested throne - the free-kick squirty, Chiles thinking he was being stoned to death, the memes - but one moment stands head and shoulders (Not you, Joe) above the rest.

Ladies and gentlemen. I give you the OranjeBoom windmill hat. Go home, Ghanaian Pot Man imposter. Leave town, Timotei ad applicant. You have been trounced.

You won’t have seen this if you were listening to the game on BBC 5Live, but you will have heard the sound of Robbie Savage actually exploding after Timmy Cahill’s awesome equaliser just a minute after Arjen Robben opened the scoring for them Nethers.

Your hapless correspondent happened to be on her way back from work when the goal went in and can confirm he was still honking after the final whistle, presumably while his co-commentators picked teeth and hair out of the furnishings and their soft tissue.

Despite punching well above their weight for the majority of their two games, the defeat means that Australia cannot progress to the knock-out phase of the tournament, but panic ye not. If other results across Group’s A & B fall in a particular way, The Netherlands, who retain an unfathomably capacity for looking unthreatening despite fielding some of the most attack minded players ever seen in football, could end up playing Brazil in the last sixteen.

That’s Brazil, who retain an unfathomably capacity for looking unthreatening despite fielding some of the most attack minded players ever seen in football.


During the commentary of that game, Savage will propel himself into space, through a wormhole and into an alternative reality (preferably one where possession of a permatan is a criminal offence, or drift into a long, peaceful sleep lasting roughly three weeks.

Either works.


Spain 0-2 Chile

Canadian people are smooth, no? Just look at lino Joe Fletcher here, casually shrugging off a handshake snub as though he hasn’t got a care in the world. I posted this not only so you could admire Mr Fletcher’s panache, but also to help you remember what a smiling, relaxed Iker Casillas looks like.

It may be a while until you see that again.


You see, unless you’re one of the Chile fans who broke into the Maracana prior to the fixture and ended up being ‘detained’ by the military police (you can read about how that goes here, information fans), you will have heard by now that the most extraordinary period of footballing dominance we’re ever likely to see in our lifetimes has ended.


No more commemorative tattoos, no more tiki-taka, no more supercilious pursing of lips as the office irritant who hates football picks them out of the hat in the work sweepstake and starts telling you how brilliant they actually are.

We know how brilliant they are/were. It was absolutely incredible and in years to come it’ll become the stuff of myth and legend. And we’re the lucky buggers who were there. Brilliant, eh?


Cameroon 0-4 Croatia

It was a relief to see Croatia’s boys throw off the embarrassment of a paparazzi (L: plural) pool intrusion to stick four past a heatstroke afflicted Cameroon team.


It was definitely heatstroke. There is no other reason (Daniele De Rossi aside, obv) that professional footballers would be getting themselves sent off before half time in a crucial World Cup group game for smacking a man in the back when he doesn’t even have the ball, then later headbutting one another.

Still. At least Benoit Assou-Ekotto can look forward to an enthusiastic welcome back to White Hart Lane now his tournament is over.

Assuming he can justify that headbutt, obviously.


By Kelly Welles


Images via Twitter, 101greatgoals.

Spain, Cameroon, Croatia, Australia, Chile, The Netherlands

World Cup Round-Up: Guillermo the Octopus

Belgium 2-1 Algeria


It’s ironic that now Belgium have finally put together a football team capable of competing at elite level, the country is on the verge of splitting.

This issue, which is precisely the kind of thing England fans could and should expect if we ever manage to put together a team that plays convincing, coherent, consistent football, is one of the reasons why I might have offered my support to the Belgians if they hadn’t been touted by every pundit, expert and human being vaguely acquainted with the sport of football as the World Cup’s ‘dark horses’. As it was, I supported Algeria.

Sorry guys.


One of the most unfancied teams of the tournament, Les Fennecs (The Desert Foxes. Good) nonetheless scared the living crap out of the Belgians, who to be fair to them, were operating beneath the weight of so much expectation, it’s amazing they managed to crawl out of the dressing room and onto the pitch.

Manager Vahid Halilhodžić has indeed transformed the lumbering, heavy footed Algerians of 2010 into solid, impenetrable mass that even the fleet footed Eden Hazard found tough to break through. Sofiane Feghouli’s penalty was their first World Cup goal since Mexico ‘86 and they hung onto their lead as though it had the power to make up for every single minute of those twenty-eight years.


It would take something special to beat them, and while it might not be to everybody’s taste, Marouane Fellaini’s afro is certainly that. The gangly Manchester United man, who failed to score in sixteen appearances with his club last season, rose like a salmon with a comedy wig on to equalise after Marc Wilmots’ late reshuffle, just ten minutes before Dries Mertens smashed in one of Eden Hazard’s finest runs of the game.

For fifty odd minutes, Algeria were a hair’s breadth away from smashing Group H wide open. #MoyesOut indeed.


Brazil 0-0 Mexico


If nothing else, this increasingly frantic but ultimately non-scoring draw has unveiled the first essential signing of the summer. With almost indecent haste, Arsenal and Liverpool have reportedly expressed an interest in Guillermo Ochoa, whose heroic handiwork against Brazil’s strike force is far better explained through graphics than increasingly hysterical prose.

That pic is just from the first half - presumably the image generating machine blew up when requested to do the whole game.


He was ruddy everywhere, prompting mass hysteria to and memes to break out on an unprecedented level.

Both Arsenal and Liverpool should be careful what they wish for though. In these times of instant communication a man’s career can peak and trough at record speed and he may well be old news by July 13th. Even before I’ve finished writing this sentence. Let alone by the time Arsene Wenger has made a decision.


He’s already been on the front of Time, for goodness sake.


Russia 1-1 South Korea

Dear Rob Green. It isn’t you. It’s him.


By Kelly Welles


Images: @dankarz, instagram, pitchpundit.

Brazil, Russia, South Korea, Mexico, Algeria, Belguim

Landon Donovan: Built-in redundancy

A long, relaxed, slow up-yours to Jurgen Klinsmann from the USMNT’s out of favour striker.

Nice work, Landy. Although if you’ve got that much time on your hands, you should probably consider upgrading to a PS4. The resolution on your World Cup winning goal would then be as sharp as the point you’re making.


By Kelly Welles

usmnt, Landon Donovan

World Cup Round-Up: That’s a dig!

Germany 4-0 Portugal


You can’t help but feel that Jogi Löw watched Germany’s arch-rivals rip Spain a new one last Friday night, raised an eyebrow, made a note in his Filofax and, next training session, simply instructed his players to beat Portugal by four clear goals.

The fact that their opponents were Portugal was neither here nor there, the message lay in the manner of the victory and the efficiency with which the task was carried out. Top of the group? Check. +4 goal difference? Check. Onto the next game.


Of course, Portugal had a mare, lost Pepe to a soft red card (you’d imagine he’d have worked this provocation business out by now, wouldn’t you?), Fábio Coentrão and Hugo Almeida to injury and any confidence whatsoever in Raul Meireles’ beard, pretty much confirming that fate is not going to extend a helping hand towards Cristiano’s World Cup legacy. Which is tremendously sad for the tanned trickster, even if you dislike his shtick.

Jogi Löw extended a hand, of course, but the only thing that Ronaldo is going to contract from that is a staph infection.


Ghana 1- 2 USA


Bugger the football - in these environs at least, the re-emergence of the Ghanaian Pot Man was the most eagerly anticipated part of this fixture. And sure enough, amongst the usual array of vikings, lunatics and applications for the next Timotei advert, there was a man with a pot on his head.


Whether this was the real pot man or not was a matter of some debate on Twitter, the general consensus being that the fella in question looked a little younger and less, shall we say, experienced, than the chap we’ve come to know and love.

Sadly Ghanaian merriment (and fire hazards) were confined to the stands as another Ramble favourite Clint ‘Deuce’ Dempsey, scored what turned out to be the fifth fastest goal in World Cup history, Sunderland Hall-of-Famer Jozy Altidore was carried off the park with a suspected hamstring strain and Andre Ayew’s 82nd minute equaliser was cancelled out by John Brooks’ winner.

In case you hadn’t heard, Brooks’ Wikipedia entry on Monday read as follows: “John Anthony Brooks, Jr. referred to as John Brooks (born January 28, 1993 in Berlin) is a German-American footballer. He is the greatest American since Abraham Lincoln.”



Iran 0-0 Nigeria

Nothing - Nothing to see here.


By Kelly Welles


Images: @smoelle

USA, Portugal, Germany, Nigeria, Ghana, Iran

Croatia: Bottom. Of the table


Croatia have reportedly banned the media from their camp after photographs of squad members skinny dipping were posted online.

Or, as Google Translate would have it, “The world has seen “tools” at their disposal Croatian footballers, there were exhibits for the title of “those” magazines. But instead of accepting it as a pastime and a little wit photographers, who from day one is not allowed to come near the camp even at gunpoint, players could hardly wait to declare silenzio stampa. As of today there is no statement. They want to punish the media, and actually penalize the audience ... Niko Kovac just shrugged helplessly.

Even at gunpoint, they reckon. If that’s the case, Niko Kovac has got more to worry about than some photos of a few sculpted backsides…


By Kelly Welles


Image via sbs.


World Cup Weekender: The Sick Boy Method

It was Renton-esque. The carrier bag full of food items that could be consumed by the handful. Fluids, both alcoholic and isotonic, to ensure that the peaks and troughs of merriment and the morning after weren’t too altitude sickness inducing. Ditto Ibuprofen. The ceremonial boarding up of the living room door.

It was Friday, 7.55pm. I was planning to ease into the ten games of my World Cup Weekender with a straightforward, if competitive and entertaining 2-0 victory for Spain, with an appetising side of Dutch unravelling.


The door was already swinging on broken hinges by the time the first SuperVan photoshop came out. It’s often hard to convey the magnitude of what happens in ninety minutes to people who don’t care about football (especially when you’re covered in crisp dust and cider) but the world champions’ utter capitulation to a Dutch side who had finally managed to channel their not inconsiderable frustration at a common enemy, seems to have caught the imagination of all but the most hardened cynics.

Arjen Robben’s focussed aggression. Daley Blind’s crosses. RvP’s staggering header. The actual sound of Iker Casillas breaking. Seeing Manchester United’s out of favour striker race to the touchline for a high five with his manager, remembering they’re both working for the same team next season and having a panic attack. The whole thing captured in one photo, cheerily retweeted by Nigel De Jong (top)

It was all there. In the second flippin’ game.


Had the weekend peaked to early? With an England game on the horizon it was tempting to believe so, especially after watching a heartily unfancied Australia put in a plucky, if unsuccessful performance against Chile and the supposed Group D whipping boys Costa Rica storm to an inconvenient 3-1 victory over Uruguay and simultaneously offer Arsene Wenger another selection headache.


But although the final result of the Manaus match up leaves England in third place on goal difference, the general feeling is one of positivity among supporters - an unfamiliar and slightly disorientating position.


Obviously Wayne Rooney has been criticised. The Italians spotted the space freed up by the Manchester United striker’s unwillingness to track back early and exploited it time and time again. England failed to deal with the anticipated threat of Pirlo and Veratti, as well as the unanticipated and relentless penetration by Candreva and Marchisio. The defensive frailties. Gary Lewin.


Indeed, the only thing missing from England’s performance was the terrible malaise that seems to descend on our players whenever they pull the shirt over their heads. Raheem Sterling’s audacious shot from outside the area may not have counted, but the jolt of excitement it produced lifted most off the sofa. The possession and one touch passing that has been absent from England’s playbook for so long, we forgot what it feels like to love our team.

England lost. But so did Uruguay. It’s the worst case scenario for us in that there’s still hope. At least until Luis Suarez is passed fit for Thursday.


Having confirmed that consumption of all the energy drinks in the world couldn’t keep me awake for Ivory Coast vs. Japan, I was forced to hit the record button and only saw the Elephants trample over Japan’s 1-0 lead via the highlights. But a good night’s sleep stood me in good stead, and by the time Switzerland’s Haris Seferovic shattered Ecuadorian hearts with a 92nd minute winner, I was practically awake.


Indeed, France’s fairly straightforward 3-0 victory over Honduras would have been quite an enjoyable experience if Richard Keys hadn’t started piping up about goal-line technology but faith was restored by who else but Lionel Messi, who had a mare in the first half, then produced an epic second goal from nothing, which turned out to be the winner.

He’ll do that.

Liver function allowing, I may consider pulling another World Cup weekender, although you’re probably better off relying on more conventional and experienced pundits for more informative World Cup coverage.


From Glenn Hoddle’s camel toe via Clarke Carlisle’s misunderstanding of eligibility in international football, through Phil Neville’s reassertion of fraternal inferiority to appreciation of Thierry Henry’s cardigans, it’s all being played out against a backdrop of confusion as to why Robbie Savage is there at all, and dare I say it?

The major news organisations have it totally covered, and it’s almost as good as the actual footie.



By Kelly Welles

England, Greece, Italy, France, Colombia, Mexico, Japan, Ivory Coast, Honduras, Ecuador, Bosnia-Herzegovina

Brazil 3-1 Croatia: A plinth among men

There was a game, but you almost certainly watched it and if you’re still not clear on what exactly happened, you can read about it virtually everywhere this morning.

Here’s what we saw from the Ramble sofa. At least until the fistfight broke out over the canapés and we lost Pete down the back.


The Anthem

Why we’re surprised that people are overwhelmed by the prospect of doing something they’ve trained for and dreamed abut their entire lives, I don’t know, but Brazil’s passion was gratifying and moving nonetheless.

By the way, whoever told David Luiz that you can actually sing a competition into submission is very irresponsible.


Ball on a plinth


A reassuring start.


Luka Modric’s hair


You probably saw he’d had it cut after celebrating Real Madrid winning the Champions League trophy (Sergio Ramos and the chewing gum in the bus back, perhaps?) but we got to see Modric’s smart new haircut in all its Croation glory last night.

Hopefully people will stop saying he looks like Gail Platt now.


Niko Kovac threatening Jogo Low’s status as style icon.

Was Adenir Silva acting on Joachim Low’s orders here? Did he intend to finish off Niko Kovac after the inexperienced international manager encroached on Low’s status as ‘most stylish manager’ with his snappy suit and delicate features?

You can see why he’s upset…


The ‘encroachment’ squirty


Has whipping a can of what is ostensibly shaving foam out of a holster ever elicited such excitement from a global audience?

No. No it hasn’t.


The penalty/referee howler


On BBC5Live this morning, they interviewed Graham Poll. That’s how bad this one was.


Marcelo’s own goal


Gareth Barry-esque.


The inevitable conclusion

the end


By Kelly Welles


Images: @br_uk,, Elsa/Getty Images South America, @BeardEric, yahoo.

Brazil, World Cup 2014, Croatia, Brazil 2014

Hooters: Massive boob

Are you excited? Too excited?

Allow Hooters (the owl and breast themed restaurant people) to temper the thrill of a South American World Cup with this execrable advert featuring golfing madman Jon Daly.

It’s Woodgate-esque.


By Kelly Welles

Brazil, World Cup 2014

World Cup Crib Sheet: Group H

Manager: Marc Wilmots Special Skill: His nickname is “The Bull of Dongelberg.” ‘Nuff said.
Shirt: Built in stains.
Slogan: “Expect the impossible!”


You can’t blame their optimism, but the well of joy one might have plundered in touting Belgium as tournament ‘dark horses’ ran dry a long time ago. And while we’d like to think that an unbeaten qualifying campaign, a team boasting talented football luminaries in virtually every position and a squad offering a healthy mix of experience and youth is behind the surge in support, it’s far more likely that familiarity is to blame.


Eleven of the final 23-man squad currently represent Premier League teams, meaning we’ve had the opportunity to enjoy the fruits of their golden generation without even having to change channel.

Captain Kompany’s hard fought title push. Eden Hazard’s absurd skill. Adnan Januzaj’s pace and creativity.


And Jose Mourinho’s vexation at Thibaut Courtois’ abilities in big games was a moment savoured by non-Chelsea fans everywhere.

But while their progress through the group should be relatively straightforward, a booby trap of a last sixteen awaits them. Should Belgium win Group H and results in Group G go as expected, they’ll face Portugal. If they finish second, they’ll get Germany. Literally (Ruud), anything could happen, but given our over inflated sense of our own importance, it’s obvious. They’re going to end up going out to Germany on penalties and blame us for jinxing them.


That could work out really badly.


Manager: Vahid Halilhodžić Special Skill: He’s an actual Knight. So unlikely to need one.
Shirt: White with pale green applications.
Slogan: “Desert Warriors in Brazil!”


I’ll be honest. The last time I was taking any significant interest in what the Algerian national team were doing, a slightly overweight, sweaty shadow of a footballer strode past the camera mouthing off at England fans and obscured my view.


Since that heady 0-0 draw in Cape Town, little has changed as far as England are concerned, but Algerian football has experienced something of a shot in the arm.

The heavy footed, aging squad of 2010, who crashed out of the group stage without scoring a single goal, has been transformed by coach Halilhodžić‘s philosophy of pressing, dynamic football which propelled them through the first stage of World Cup qualifying with five out of a possible six wins.

Halilhodžić will have been most gratified by their stubbornness in the face of defeat, though.

Guns were not used.

3-2 down after the first leg of the final play-off vs. Burkina Faso and they managed to finagle their way through - Madjid Bouguerra’s 49th minute goal decisive in the end.

While they’re unlikely to challenge, fixtures against them will be awkward and and their capacity to nick a point here or there could make things very difficult for Russia and Belgium.

Let’s hope their fans support them regardless, eh?


Manager: Fabio Capello Special Skill: Survival
Shirt: Out of this world.
Slogan: “No one can catch us!”


The excitement that greeted Russia’s unexpected trouncing of the Czech Republic in their first group match in EURO 2012 implied a will existed to see a sleeping giant start kicking arse and taking names.

Unfortunately, an all mouth and no trousers approach to their remaining games - a draw with Poland and a 1-0 defeat to Greece - saw them exit the competition with their tails between their legs and a negligible fine for fan violence.

Will we see that level of excitement this time? Well, the absence of Andrey Arshavin is stab in the heart of facetious merry making, but Fabio Capello stripped him of the captain’s armband and dropped him after he mouthed off at fans. He has not been selected for Russia’s first World Cup finals squad since 2002, which seems unnecessarily harsh…


Until you see his holiday photos.

Having steered Russia through the qualifying stages with consummate ease, the former England manager will be relying on his defence to minimise goal scoring opportunities; a wise policy given his own forwards have only scored eighteen league goals between them last season.


Losing the midfield creativity of Roman Shirokov was a massive blow, but Alan Dzagoev, who scored two of Russia’s four goals in that game vs. Czech Republic will be keen to rekindle the interest that saw him linked with several clubs in 2012.

For now, Capello remains cautious. “Many people think it should be easy for us, but I want to tell them they are wrong.” he said recently.


You can’t blame him. It’s not as though he hasn’t seen teams through fantastic qualifying campaigns only for them to inexplicably collapse when it matters.


Korea Republic
Manager: Hong Myung-Bo Special Skill: Aerial threat
Shirt:Unique collar.”
Slogan: “Enjoy it, Reds.”


The fact that they used forty-five different players in qualifying implies that new(ish) manager Hong Myung-Bo isn’t entirely clear about his first choice eleven - never ideal when playing in an international tournament. But teams like Korea Republic know they’ll need a little luck to carry them through the group stages, so what could be better than channelling it directly from the man who captained them to their best ever finish in a World Cup?

hall of famer

He’ll be fine, even if they do foul it up. The South Korean people are notoriously generous. Guus Hiddink, who managed them to that historic fourth place in 2002, had a stadium named after him, received honorary national citizenship and is credited in some quarters with redefining “national citizenship and identity”.

And he didn’t even play!


By Kelly Welles

Russia, Belgium, Korea Republic, Fabio Capello, Algeria

John Oliver: Many guys, one cup

There’s going to come a time in your World Cup experience when you have to explain to someone who doesn’t watch football why there are people rioting outside the stadia. Why the population of Brazil, known for their passionate love of the game, are protesting against its most prestigious tournament being held in their country. Basically, you’re going to have to explain why everybody hates FIFA.

This, by former Daily Show contributor John Oliver, should help.


By Kelly Welles


H/T @lozil.

FIFA, World Cup 2014

World Cup Crib Sheet: Group G

Manager: Joachim Löw Special Skill: Wardrobe management
Shirt: Nerve wrackingly nice.
Slogan: “One Nation, One Team, One Dream!”


We only have ourselves to blame for this, y’know. Arguably, if England hadn’t beaten the Germans 5-1 (even Heskey scored!) in their own backyard back in 2001, they wouldn’t have been forced to rethink their entire approach to international football.

If they hadn’t rethought their entire approach to international football, they may not have produced a generation of players capable of challenging the best in the world, to the point where every group they’ve started a major tournament in since 2010 has been designated the ‘Group of Death’.

And in the cases of World Cup 2010 and EURO 2012, finished top of that group.

Ah, crap.

It probably stings so much because a lot of England fans feel that a similar adjustment could have prevented, or at least, minimised the humiliation of that 4-1 defeat in Bloemfontein, but while that might be true, it shouldn’t detract from Germany’s achievements in recent years.

They lost to eventual winners Spain in 2010, finalists Italy in 2012 and while Brazil remain outright favourites, the Germans are 6/1 to win the tournament - same odds as Spain.


That’s a big old deal for a Northern European team and despite losing Marco Reus to ankle ligament damage vs. Armenia, it’s lunacy to think they’ll do anything other that win the group again, cruise through their last sixteen fixture against either Belgium or Russia (sorry Korean Republic and Algeria, but even you probably don’t fancy you chances) and potentially throw a massive spanner into Argentina’s World Cup works in the quarters.

Before you scoff, this has actually happened already, albeit on FIFA.

On the plus side, that will be cheering to England. We’ll probably need a bit of perking up by then.


Manager: Paulo Bento Special Skill: Chopsy
Shirt: Stripes vary in width from great to so narrow you can barely see them. Mirroring the distribution of talent?
Slogan: “The past is history. The future is victory.”

Alright, who’s the guy in the middle then?

While there are seven hundred and thirty-six players registered to play in this year’s World Cup, it’s not a democracy. The vast majority of these players will experience their moment in the Brazilian sun, but their contribution to the competition as a whole will be a footnote; remembered perhaps by their fans and fellow countrymen but not by the viewing public at large.

Cristiano Ronaldo is not one of these players. Having single-footedly propelled his team to the tournament via an astonishing second leg play-off performance, he put to bed any concerns about his ability to play under pressure, but now a persistent knee injury could threaten his chances of featuring in the opening group fixture vs. Germany. And what with this being the ‘Group of Death’ (and Doom), his presence could be decisive in who proceeds to the knock-out stages and who goes home.

Football, eh?

Sought after, despite an unnerving resemblance to Limahl.

Is it unfair to cast the likes of Fabio Coentrao, Pepe, Bruno Alves & Joao Moutinho, Nani & Raul Meireles in supporting roles? There’s no denying that the terrifying central defensive partnership of Bruno Alves and Pepe will be useful against the likes of Germany, while Coentrao’s marauding runs have caused all manner of problems for La Liga right backs this season, although any hopes Manchester United fans had of him replacing Patrice Evra appear to shattered after reports that he will sign a new contract with Madrid shortly.

Beard v2.0.

But game changers? A few years ago, you might have said Nani, but thirteen appearances for Manchester United last year tell their own story about his career progression, while Raul Meireles’ form seems to be inversely proportional to the size of his beard now he’s in the Turkish Süper Lig.


It feels reductive, even Lovejoy-esque to say it, but if we’re going to see Portugal get out of the group, it’s probably going to involve having to sit through more of the above. Whether that’s reason enough to keep one’s fingers crossed for another flare up of that left patellar tendinosis is a dependent on how inadequate the above makes you feel, I suppose.


Manager: James Kwesi Appiah Special Skill: Self-proclaimed under-dog. We’ll see.
Shirt: Essentially a patterned frock.
Slogan: “Black Stars: Here to illuminate Brazil..”


The fact is that even if black or dark stars’ existence had been proven, they would, by their very nature, fail to emit light. So even if Ghana tear up the table, thrash Germany, Portugal and the United States, floodlight failure will remain a real threat.


Can they do it? Well, romantic Ramblers will tell you they can, and will argue until they’re blue in the face that there’s always an upset in a major tournament. They’ll then turn a bit pink when they advise you that not one, but two of Abedi Pele’s sons, Jordan and Andre Ayew, will feature at some point and that fate owes Ghana a break after their upsetting exit from South Africa 2010.

They may have a point, even they have got crisps in their beards. With Michael Essien, Portsmouth Hall-of-Famer Sulley Muntari and Kevin Prince-Boateng all named in the squad the Ghanians are hardly short of self-belief and talent, which may be sufficient to propel them past Portugal if the injuries reach critical mass and the USA sans LandyCakes, but they’ll probably run out of gas before they get anywhere close to bettering their last World Cup placing.


At least we’ll get a chance to see Gyan. Unless you’re an ardent follower of Sunderland Reserves or UAE football, you probably won’t have seen hide nor hair of him since that post penalty facepalm.

Don’t worry though. He’s been having a blinding time.


United States
Manager: Jurgen Klinsmann Special Skill: He can fly.
Shirt: All white. But the away shirt is nicer.
Slogan: “United by team, driven by passion.”

Look away now, Sunderland fans.

Andrey Arshavin’s performance for Russia in the opening game of EURO 2012 was something of a revelation for Arsenal fans, and Sunderland fans also can look forward to the same confusion if Jozy Altidore carries his cracking qualification form into the tournament proper.

The striker scored just two goals in thirty appearances for the Black Cats last season, but a flurry of goals including two decisive strikes vs. Nigeria earned him a striker’s berth ahead of Landon Donovan.


Jurgen Klinsmann’s decision to leave the USMNT’s golden boy at home has been met with considerable criticism, not least because if Altidore suffers a relapse of his Sunderland form, the team will have to rely on internationally inexperienced San Jose Earthquakes striker Chris Wondolowski and AZ Alkmaar’s Aron Johannsson.

Will the experience and recent good form of Clint Dempsey be sufficient to pull them through? Against weaker opposition perhaps, but with just under half of the squad playing their club football in the MLS, it’s difficult to see how they’ll make their way through the group unscathed.


Still, if all else fails, they have DeAndre Yedlin in defence. His selection of unmanageable hairdos alone will scare the living crap out of most strikers.

Yes. Even Lukas Podolski.


By Kelly Welles

USA, Portugal, Germany, Ghana

World Cup Crib Sheet: Group F

Manager: Alejandro Sabella Special Skill: Not being Diego. Twice.
Shirt: The iconic blue & white stripes with a modern twist.
Slogan: “Not Just A Team, We Are A Country.”


Wait. Is that slogan a trick? Are they trying to lull us into a false sense of security? We’ve all read the stats - we know that no European team has ever won the tournament when it’s been held on South American soil, ya da ya da - so why the straightforward statement of self-determination?

Keep it on the down-low, then explode out of the traps and hammer everyone 5-0? Has Lionel Messi’s indifferent run of form at the latter stage of last season also been a ruse? Oh god. Are we overthinking this?


Alright, it’s unlikely that anyone will underestimate Argentina, given that their attacking options alone read like a who’s who of footballing genius. Before the rest of the group even start thinking about the diminutive Barca midfielder, there’s the small matter of containing Sergio Aguero, Gonzalo Higuain, Ezequiel Lavezzi and Angel Di Maria. Not to mention the follicular anarchist that is Inter’s Rodrigo Palacio.

They’ve been banging ‘em in with aplomb all season, and we have no reason to believe they’re going to dial it down when a relatively kind draw has made the path to the final that much easier to navigate.

Tissue! Dirty boy!

So where are the weaknesses? Well, despite that terrifying wealth of talent, tournaments are won and lost on the form of a player like Lionel Messi and he hasn’t looked the sharpest in the weeks leading up to the finals.

His main contribution in the 0-0 draw in a friendly against Romania a few weeks ago was to throw up on the pitch again and while his health issues haven’t prevented him from playing, he failed to score in Wednesday’s 3-0 win over Trinidad and Tobago, although he had a free kick come off the post.

Whoops, sorry Liverpool fans.

When viewed in conjunction with the flaws in defensive positions, and the kind of “never going to get a better chance to win it” pressure that did for Liverpool last season, it’s easy to get carried away and write them off.

Do so at your peril though. Javier Mascherano is more than capable of marshalling a defence, Pablo Zabaleta is no slouch either and a poor season by Lionel Messi’s standards involves scoring 41 goals for his club.

That boy, eh? 


Manager: Safet Sušić Special Skill: Gerd Muller rates him. What more do you want?.
Shirt: Late but great.
Slogan: “Dragons In Heart, Dragons On The Field!”

That’s quite categorically not a dragon, is it?

Now that’s more like it! Imagine how brilliant it would be if, come game time, Argentina take to the pitch to face an ACTUAL team of dragons. It’s not going to happen, but just think about, it yeah?

Back in the real world, the draw has also been kind to Bosnia-Herzegovina, but internal wranglings could present challenges to the only tournament débutantes this time around, despite their finishing qualifying at the top of the group with a shed load of goals.

Fans of Premier League football will be familiar with Edin Dzeko’s tendency to speak his mind and the Manchester City forward was quick to condemn fans’ negative response to the team after they lost 2-0 to Egypt back in March.


Fortunately, there is quality throughout the team and if they perform even half as well as they did in qualifying, you can be sure the hugely patriotic fans will be right behind them. You’ll already have seen Asmir Begovic’s proactive build-up play but Bayer Leverkusen’s Emir Spahić, Roma’s Miralem Pjanić and Vedad Ibisevic from Stuttgart have all proved themselves this season.

Keep your eye out for Nigeria vs. Bosnia-Herzegovina on 21st June. That, dear Ramblers, could be the decisive fixture in the group. Dragon suits or no dragon suits.


Manager: Carlos Queiroz Special Skill: Not averse to the odd bout of controversy. Wonder where he learned that?.
Shirt: Features wildlife.
Slogan: “Honor Of Persia.”


It’s a testament to Carlos Queiroz’ managerial nous that he was able to haul the Iranian national team across the qualifying line, but even with a comparatively kind draw it will probably prove too much to ask to have him to take them any further.


The heady days of Ali Daei are long since passed and unless something inexplicable happens in their opening fixture (like Nigeria failing to turn up for the game), the most we can look forward to is Adrian Chiles having an absolute mare with his pronunciation.

Reza Ghoochannejhad, Hashem Beykzadeh & Sepahan Isfahan, we look forward to your participation with interest!


Manager: Stephen Keshi Special Skill: Not afraid to change his mind.
Shirt: A bit cucumbery.
Slogan: “Only Together We Can Win.”

Only sings when he’s winning, apparently.

Pressure is a feature of tournament football, but extra focus is probably required when failure could mean suspension of the national team. Long time Ramblers may remember the hilarity/horror that greeted President Goodluck Jonathan’s decision to test the theory of whether football and politics mix after Nigeria failed to win a game in South Africa and crashed out. Then FIFA piped up and the whole situation evolved from farce to full-on headdesk festival.

It’s a wonder they still exist as a sporting entity, really.


The bad news is that Goodluck Jonathan remains in power, but the things appear to have settled down a bit since Stephen Keshi took the helm and under his command the Super Eagles beat Burkina Faso to the Africa Cup of Nations in 2013. Qualification for the World Cup was bumpy but the quality and experience Keshi has to call on should be sufficient to ensure that Mr Jonathan shouldn’t be forced into making any irrational decisions.

Not to do with football, anyway. Lolz.


By Kelly Welles

Argentina, Nigeria, Iran, Bosnia-Herzegovina

PWEI: Requiem for a game

If you’re of a certain age, you probably spent a reasonably proportion of your youth hurtling around the dancefloor at your provincial town’s only ‘indie’ night, dressed in ridiculous trousers, ‘dancing’ to records by Pop Will Eat Itself.

Some years later, you’ll have contemplated the pointlessness of your existence as former member Clint Mansell’s theme to ‘Requiem For A Dream’ soared through your conciousness.

If you haven’t enjoyed either of these life experiences, you have today to do so. Then, having confirmed the creative brilliance of PWEI’s oeuvre, you can settle down and listen to what happens when they turn their attention to the injustices perpetrated by football’s governing body in the name of the World Cup and Brazil’s right to oppose it.

You know, before it gets banned and they end up in the FIFA court charged with treason or attempted Sepp-icide.


By Kelly Welles

World Cup 2014, Brazil 2014, PWEI

A psychic elephant? No one saw that coming…

It’s been claimed that between 2006 and 2012, Nelly the Psychic Elephant correctly predicted 30 out of a possible 33 match outcomes. This means she was doing it well before the whole ‘zoo animals predicting football scores’ hysteria broke out, spearheaded by an irritating cephalopod who shall, for the purposes of this post, remain nameless. 

We’re not buying it, anyway. If she was that good, she’d have seen him coming, surely?


By Kelly Welles

World Cup 2014, Brazil 2014

Raith Rovers: On me head, son



That’s the fate of many an unfortunate victim in crime writer Val McDermid’s fictional world and now me (not literally, that would be hideous) upon discovery that her new shirt sponsorship deal with Raith Rovers looks like this.


The least I expect from the author of terrifying psychological fiction is an insistence upon a Getafe-inspired severed head on the inside.

Not a real one, obviously. That would be terribly distracting during a game.


By Kelly Welles


Image via

Raith Rovers

England: More blood, less pressure


We’re all familiar with the collective disappointment an England campaign can have, but apparently our trauma has repercussions in areas far removed from the pub and sofa.

According to NHS Blood and Transplant, figures collected during a previous tournament confirmed that blood donations on England match days fell by up to 5%, and up to 12% on the day following an England match. As a gentle reminder that transfusion requirements do not plummet at the same rate as our expectations, the organisation have recruited ex-Arsenal and England defender Lee Dixon and ITV pundit Adrian Chiles to recreate iconic England moments - Dixon as Terry Butcher during the 1989 World Cup Qualifier in Stockholm and Chiles as Stuart Pearce after scoring that penalty in the Euro ’96 quarter-final against Spain.

Chiles, whose proximity to Roy Keane on the ITV sofa have seen him perilously close to shedding blood for the cause on numerous occasions, managed to escape the fate for his photo, but remained thoroughly enthused.

“Donating blood is easier than watching a football match. It takes less time and, depending on your team’s performance, it’s a much less stressful experience all round. Plus you get to lie down for a bit and save lives. Thousands of patients rely on blood donations to survive so I would encourage people to just do it. There’s no quicker or easier way to be a bit of a hero.”

Lying down? No quicker or easier way to be a hero? Has there ever been an enterprise more befitting a Rambler? If you’re still in doubt, think about this. NHS Blood & Transplant figures state that every blood donation saves or improves the lives of up to three people. This means that if only 1% (ONE PERCENT) of our current Twitter following donate, over one and a half thousand people could benefit.

That’s actual science and maths. See how inspirational blood donation can be?


By Kelly Welles


Head on over to for more info and to make a booking.

England, Arsenal, Adrian Chiles, Lee Dixon

World Cup Crib Sheet: Group E

Manager: Ottmar Hitzfeld Special Skill: Demob happy
Shirt: The kind of tight that makes you hope that Xherdan Shaqiri is in intensive training
Slogan: “FINAL STOP: 07-13-14 MARACANA!.”


There’s nothing like a bit of optimism to kick things off, but while Ottmar Hitzfeld intends to send his youthful squad out with all guns blazing for his last tournament in charge, one wonders whether a slogan announcing an expectation of making it to the final might be a touch too positive.

Still, while the majority of Switzerland’s players remain firmly under the radar, taking the piss out of their chances might be unwise given that they’re currently eighth in the FIFA rankings - higher than both England and Group E heavyweights France.


That’s not to say their campaign will be a cruise. If results run as expected, they could find themselves finishing in second place in Group E, leaving them with a knock out fixture against likely Group F winners Argentina. As we know from their 1-0 victory over Spain in 2010, they’re more than capable of creating an upset on their day, but against Argentina in a South American World Cup? There’s optimism, then there’s lunacy.


Squad wise, Bayern Munich’s Xherdan Shaqiri is the man most are focussing on. His role as understudy to Robben and Ribery this season could have taught him all manner of terrifying techniques, but equally his match fitness and hunger could have atrophied on the bench. The magnificently monikered Granit Xhaka could instead be the boy most likely to be signed on a whim by a Premier League club after an epic tournament, his breakout season from defensive midfield helping propel Borussia Monchengladbach to a credible sixth place in last season’s Bundesliga.

As self-aware as anyone in football, Hitzfeld has attempted to deflect criticism of the ageing side that conspired to snatch group defeat from the jaws of victory in 2010 by running a rich, nourishing vein of youth through it. Despite their tender ages, Josip Drmić (1. FC Nürnberg), Mario Gavranović (FC Zürich) and Wolfsburg’s Ricardo Rodriguez have all had decent seasons, but before you slap all of your hard earned on Schweizer Nati at 125/1, remember that no European team has won the tournament when it’s been played on South American soil.

Switzerland, for all their bluster and good cheer, are unlikely to be the first.


Manager: Reinaldo Rueda Special Skill: Double agent
Shirt: Unnervingly see-through
Slogan: “One commitment, one passion, only one heart, this is for you Ecuador!.”

di maria

Generally, qualifying campaigns involving Ecuador have to be taken with a pinch of salt, as the altitude is usually sufficient to do for an away team before they’ve even set foot on the pitch. Argentina were the only team to take a point off Reinaldo Rueda’s men in Quito this time around, but any element of confusion can be cleared up with a glance at the away fixtures, of which they won none. 

Aside from the twin pronged attacking wing play of Jefferson Montero and Antonio Valencia, Ecuador offer little in terms of eye catching players, but if France ease through as group winners, they may have the edge over Honduras in the battle for second. Reinaldo Rueda coached Honduras to World Cup 2010 qualification, meaning that not only does he have insider knowledge of the opposition, he may well be capable of miracles too.


Manager: Didier Deschamps Special Skill: Not Raymond Domenech. 
Shirt: Understated.
Slogan: “Impossible is not a French word.”


It always pays to be wary of France in a major tournament. They’re either going to fail to launch and set eager onlookers aflame with rumour and recrimination (2002, 2010) or they’re going to go stratospheric, setting onlookers aflame with with rapture and recrimination (1998, 2006). Either way, we’ll probably all be on fire by the time their campaign comes in to land.

There’s already evidence of mechanical issues. Didier Deschamps’ decision to leave Samir Nasri on the beach prompted a sweary Twitter tirade from Nasri’s girlfriend, who is now the subject of legal action from both Deschamps and the France Football Federation. That’ll ensure he’s the first name on the teamsheet for future international fixtures.

In an effort to minimise unnecessary pressure on his squad in the build up, Deschamps responded to allegations that a brothel is situated just 500m from the French team base in Brazil by implying the only reason that the journalists who brought it up know about it is because they visit the same establishments.


Let’s just leave the off-pitch stuff to one side for a moment then. Paul Pogba’s excellent form with Juventus this season has propelled the ex-Manchester United starlet to the forefront of France’s World Cup campaign but there’s reason to be fearful all over the pitch. Hugo Lloris has had a lovely old season at Spurs, Laurent Koscielny and Bacary Sagna are coming in off the back of an FA Cup win while Raphael Varane’s precocity in defence is the worst kept secret in football.


A good solid defence may be needed though. France’s front line might be packed with big names, but Olivier Giroud, Karim Benzema and Real Sociedad’s Antoine Griezmann have had quieter seasons than they might have hoped for in a World Cup year. News that Franck Ribery’s selection might be in doubt due to his failure to recover from a back problem could be a double edged sword - while they will miss the control and width he brings to midfield, the absence of his influence in the dressing room may not be such a bad thing if rumours are to be believed.


They should storm this group, regardless. Anyone who remembers the Senegal game in 2002 will be wary of that ‘should’.


Manager: Luis Fernando Suarez Special Skill: Commitment to the Honduran cause
Shirt: An outsider, but a lovely one.
Slogan: “We are one country, one nation, five stars on the heart.”


Assuming they’re not coming off the back of a shock pre-tournament victory against England, little is expected of Honduras in Brazil 2014. While the group may appear a walkover for the more established footballing nations, this is only the third time Honduras have qualified for the tournament in the history of the world ever, and they’re unlikely to better their record from South Africa which saw them exit at the group stages.

Two clean sheets in ten games is a qualifying record they’ll want to leave in the locker, but they did draw vs. Switzerland in 2010, and just one result like that will play merry hell with the final standings.


They also boast the fabulously monikered Carlo Costly upfront and you’ll all have admired Roger Espinoza’s lustrous locks pelting up and down the wing for Wigan. Add Hull City’s Maynor Figueroa and Juan Carlos García (also Wigan) and they suddenly look way more fanciable than you first thought.

Well. A bit.


By Kelly Welles

France, Switzerland, Honduras, Ecuador

adidas: How far is too far?


“How far will you go? I will give my heart for my country.”

It’s lovely to see everybody making an effort. But while I’m no medical woman,  I fail to see how this is going to help win a football match.

Put it away and wash your hands, for goodness sake.


By Kelly Welles


Image via Twitter.

Dani Alves, Arjen Robben, Diego Costa

Wait. Is that even legal?

Yep. The referee ruled there had been no infringment and Ashad Ali Adubarey’s pelanty stood, enabling the Maldives to beat Afghanistan and sneak third place in the 2014 AFC Challenge Cup.

Neymar will be all over this.


By Kelly Welles


H/T guardian.


Ashad Ali Adubarey, Maldives, Afghanistan

Joey Barton: A swing & a miss

Oh, and he so nearly made a valid point! It’s a rookie mistake on a topical debate show and you hate to see it.


By Kelly Welles

QPR, Joey Barton

World Cup Crib Sheet: Group D

Manager: Óscar Tabárez Special Skill: Persistence
Shirt: City blue, snug fit.
Slogan: “Three million dreams … Let’s go Uruguay.”

Despite a knee operation after a hectic and ultimately disappointing season for Liverpool, Luis Suarez remains confident that he will be fit enough to save any headers that might come his way during the 2014 World Cup. But before you start investigating anti-healing rituals involving kitchen-ware, just remember that Tabárez isn’t exactly short of strikers.


Edinson Cavani and Diego Forlan are both fit and available, and while it could be argued that Forlan hasn’t been playing at a ‘competitive’ level since moving to Cerezo Osaka, both remain lethal in the right circumstances.

Elsewhere on the pitch they’re not so fortunate. Liverpool’s Sebastian Coates has received a call up from Nacional, where he has been recuperating from knee ligament damage sustained last August, while the Diegos of Lugano and Godin had a calamitous record as a centre back partnership during qualifying.

Maybe if Suarez doesn’t recover in time, they could stick him in goal. He’s got a proven track record in World Cups, after all.


Costa Rica
Manager: Jorge Luis Pinto Special Skill: Roamer
Shirt: Red with a novel blue stripe.
Slogan: “My passion is football, my strength is my people, my pride is Costa Rica.”


As an England fan, Costa Rica are the least threatening team we’re likely to face in Group D, which instantly transforms them a terrifying prospect.


Are we right to be nervous? Well, they finished runners-up in their qualifying group; a notably mean defence conceding just seven goals in the latter stages, but there’s a massive Bryan Oviedo shaped hole in their left side after the Everton man suffered a broken leg in an FA Cup game vs. Stevenage in January. Brian Ruiz may or may not be a threat, depending on how he’s recovered from his poisonous stint at Fulham, while Levante goalkeeper Keylor Navas is already attracting attention from the big boys. And birds, it seems.


Oh, and manager Jorge Luis Pinto is apparently Paulo Wanchope’s uncle.

Having deliberated, cogitated and digested this random collection of facts for at least thirty seconds, we’ll make no firm predictions except to say that England’s best hope against the cruel mistress of fate is that Uruguay run Los Ticos ragged in their opening fixture, leaving the door ajar for England to stick a few in and bump up that all important goal difference.

Oh, and remain positive at all times.


Manager: Roy Hodgson Special Skill:Pressure magnet
Shirt: Ice white. L’homme du sport, if you will.
Slogan: “The dream of one team, the heartbeat of millions!”


Since our youth, we’ve dreamed of an England team who play scintillating, attacking football, run their legs off for the shirt and emerge, if not victorious, utterly knackered having left everything on the pitch.

Sadly, while occasional flashes of hope have been noted, our memories of recent tournaments largely consist of acts of petulance, inexplicable lethargy, excuses and embarrassingly predictable exits. There’s no real reason to expect anything different this time - the location, the weather and a tough round of opening fixtures all present their own unique challenges - but despite this, despite the agony, embarrassment and inevitability of our fate, we still hold onto that most English of emotions. Hope.

Hope that Steven Gerrard’s new, deeper lying role will transform him from wandering star to linchpin. Hope that youth will flourish under the hot sun, that Roy will take a risk and the magic that Southampton and Liverpool fans were lucky enough to witness week in week out last season will translate to the green, green (probably dyed) grass of Brazil.


Hope of screaming ‘RICKIE LAMBERT CELEBRATE’ at the television, before Wazzles throws off whatever has been stalking his international form for the last ten years and score a hat-trick.


He’s got a personal trainer, y’know. Could happen.


Manager: Cesare Prandelli Special Skill: Family man
Shirt: Azure blue. What else?!
Slogan: “Let’s paint the FIFA World Cup dream blue.”


There are many questions surrounding the Italian national team right now, but only one is troubling real football aficionados. Will Antonio “no honestly, I’ve given up pastry” Cassano make Cesere Prandelli’s final 23 man squad? Reports suggest that Cassano, along with injury plagued Giuseppe Rossi will be fit enough, but it’s never just a question of that with the Golden Tapir winning striker and you know it.

His habit of only opening his mouth to change feet has seen him forced to apologise for stupid remarks regarding homosexuality, arguing with Inter coach Andrea Stramaccioni and royally pissing off fans of current club Parma earlier this year by stating he’d rather be back at Sampdoria.


Despite all this, his form for Parma has been good & an announcement that he’s lost 10kg as a result of giving up focaccia has earned him a place in Prandelli’s 30 man preliminary squad - a reward that evaded Dani Osvaldo and the 17-year-old hotly tipped to replace Gigi Buffon, Simone Scuffet. Rumour has it that Prandelli won’t be releasing info on the final 23 until the deadline - June 2nd - but don’t panic if he doens’t make it.


There’s more than enough madman in that line-up to cover him for the next ten years. 


By Kelly Welles

England, Italy, Uruguay, Costa Rica

Umbro: Arthouse advertising

If Nike are the Michael Bay of boot advertising - loud and fast, featuring shiny women and brash, buff (La Beouf?) boys running about demonstrating an uncanny ability to master baffling technology - then Umbro are the Lars von Trier.

Their latest ad features the quiet introspection of a man preparing to open a package containing his new UX-1s - Umbro’s latest silo and the boot Joe Hart will be sporting in Brazil later this month. It’s an unnerving and startlingly accurate insight into the world of the boot porn enthusiast, a world of reverence and ritual rarely seen outside of football journalism.

Or so I’m told, anyway. Ahem.


By Kelly Welles

Umbro, UX-1

Fernando Ricksen: Fortuna All Star


Rather more famous for his off-pitch antics than anything he achieved during his career with Rangers & Zenit St Petersburg, Fernando Ricksen’s testimonial was nonetheless a deeply sad and moving affair.

The Dutch defender/midfielder was diagnosed with Motor Neurone disease last year and the debilitating effects of the incurable condition shocked those who attended the release of Ricksen’s autobiography earlier this month.


The testimonial match last Sunday was between Ricksen’s former club Fortuna Sittard and a Fortuna All Star eleven that featured the likes of Mark van Bommel, Anatoli Tymoshchuk & Ronald de Boer, as well as the man himself. The final score was 5-2 to the All Stars with Ricksen scoring a penalty before he was surrounded by team mates in emotional scenes. The All Star kit, designed for the event, will be auctioned off with proceeds being donated to the ALS Foundation.

Fox have prohibited embedding on sites other than YouTube, so please click this link to watch the footage.

As always, our thoughts and prayers are with Fernando Ricksen, his friends and family during this difficult time.


By Kelly Welles


Images via copafootball.

Rangers, Fernando Ricksen, Zenit St Petersburg

World Cup Crib Sheet: Group C

Manager: José Pékerman Special Skill: Tinker man
Shirt: Classic yellow with blue pinstripe.
Slogan: “Here travels a nation, not just a team.”


Although lauded for taking the national team to the World Cup for the first time since 1998, joy in Colombia is tempered by José Pékerman’s persistent experimentation with line-ups - including the omission of star players including Radamel Falcao - even when a previously selected side has performed well.

The knee might be knackered but his teeth are just fine.

They are probably right to be concerned. In the run up to the tournament, Pékerman has hinted that his habit of tinkering with his starting line-ups are less to do with uncertainty and more about a flair for the dramatic. When questioned over the selection of Falcao, whose fitness is in doubt after he suffered knee ligament damage with Monaco in January, Pékerman told reporters: “I’ll wait until the last day, until the last hour, the last minute.”

He may even wear a cape to make the announcement.

In fairness to the former Argentina manager, drama and intrigue have been as much of a presence in the Colombian national team dressing room as Carlos Valderrama’s spare wigs. In the late 80s and early 90s the team enjoyed fervent backing from a population tired of the negative stereotypes perpetuated in the media about Colombia and performances reflected that pride. A 5-0 victory over Argentina in 1993, René Higuita’s much attempted but never bettered scorpion kick and their very own golden generation - Rincon, Asprilla, Escobar and the free scoring Arnoldo Iguarán.


The importance of the national team’s performances to the country was to eventually tarnish the gold, though. On 2 July 1994, Andres Escobar was shot dead in Medellín, with many believing that his own goal against the United States in the World Cup that year was a motivating factor.

Can Pékerman and his squad harness the national pride that inspired the Colombia team of the 90s and ride it out of the group stages, upsetting the current 24 carat golden boys in the process? 

We really hope so. If those guys can thrill us like they did back then, a new generation is in for a treat like no other.


Manager: Fernando Santos Special Skill: Greek god
Shirt: White with blue collar. Austere.
Slogan: “Heroes play like Greeks.”


In 2004, Greece won the European Championships, demonstrating exactly what could be achieved in football with teamwork, persistence and no expectation of success whatsoever. It wasn’t pretty and didn’t catapult Greece to tournament contender status, but the fact remains that they have won more major tournaments than England in the last forty years and therefore criticising them is a bit rich.


Thirty-seven year old Giorgos Karagounis is still wearing the captain’s armband (they’ll have to prise that off his cold, dead arm) which is, in a nutshell, indicative of Greece’s chances. While a long and distinguished career will be remembered fondly, most of it is behind him and we can only hope he’s not too knackered to contribute to his legacy.

Other notable picks include Celtic’s Samaras, Roma’s Vassilis Torossidis, Dortmund’s Papastathopoulos and Kostas Mitroglou, whose form may or may not be affected by a ‘difficult’ first season at Fulham. A big miss (literally & figuratively) will be Schalke’s tractor-like defender Kyriakos Papadopoulos, who, while young, is a worthy addition to any defensive line-up, but was omitted after failing to recover from shoulder problems.


Ivory Coast
Manager: Sabri Lamouchi Special Skill: Ego management
Shirt: Orange. And no, don’t bother unless you’re ripped.
Slogan: “Elephants charging towards Brazil.”


Kalou. Drogba. Zokora. Toure. Toure. Gervinho. Bony. On paper they look like any football team’s worst nightmare, but despite earning innumerable club accolades between them, the stars of Ivory Coast have yet to transcend the sum of their parts in the World Cup.


Sabri Lamouchi is the man charged with upending their unenviable record of failing to make it out of the group stages in their previous appearances and it seems that for once fate is smiling upon them - previous draws have seen the team grouped with the likes of Argentina, Netherlands, Portugal and Brazil but providing they perform as we know they can, they have the talent and wherewithal to compete against Greece and Japan, and maybe even Colombia.

Fate saw fit to help Didier Drogba achieve his dream of winning the Champions League with Chelsea in the latter stages of his club career; can we expect her to stick a fickle oar into Group C too?


Manager: Alberto Zaccheroni Special Skill: Won’t be told
Shirt: Traditional blue with rising sun motif.
Slogan: “Samurai, the time has come to fight!.”


First to qualify for Brazil 2014, Japan nevertheless stuttered a little during their qualifying campaign, until they settled into Alberto Zaccheroni’s playing style. The Italian, whose management record reads like a who’s who of Serie A, favoured a 3-4-3 formation during his time there and transplanted it directly upon appointment as Japan’s national team coach in 2010.


Whether it worked well enough in qualifying to maintain the formation in the tournament proper has yet to be seen, with some speculating that Zaccheroni may revert to a more traditional 4-2-3-1 for the group stages, if only to shore up the defence. Zaccheroni himself is convinced of his side’s capacity to challenge, regardless of this persistent doubt.

“If we can play to the best of our ability then we can be a threat. I am confident.” he told Reuters.  “Obviously getting off to a good start is important.”

They’ll face Ivory Coast on 14th June, so that’ll help.


By Kelly Welles

Greece, World Cup 2014, Colombia, Japan, Brazil 2014, Ivory Coast

Real Madrid: It’s not exactly Diamond Lights, is it?

As we have long suspected, when you give Real Madrid nice things to play with, this is what happens.

On the plus side, photographic evidence reveals that Pepe did not stoop to wearing shinpads for the celebration. Although that might be more to do with the indecent haste with which he disposed of his tracksuit after the final whistle. 


By Kelly Welles

Real Madrid, Pepe

World Cup Crib Sheet: Group B


Manager: Vicente del Bosque Special Skill: See Brazil
Shirt: La Furia Roja. With gold accessories.
Slogan: “Inside our hearts, the passion of a champion.”


With tiki-taka dead and buried, possession football as redundant as the 1-2-7 formation and Captain Carles ‘Caveman’ Puyol bowing out of footie with knee trouble, pundits have been cautious when discussing Spain’s chances of picking up a fourth consecutive major trophy. Especially when you add that no team from outside the Americas has ever won a World Cup when the tournament has been held on that particular continent.

If we’re working on paper alone, there’s about as much chance of Iker Casillas lifting that balding smoothie of a cup as there is of Zlatan having a crisis of confidence.


But we can’t quite let it go. Usually when a team dominate so completely, neutrals eventually tire of their style, their constant presence and their happy smiling faces as they raise their arms aloft, run around with their beautiful babies and remind us once again that our own team, in comparison is a national embarrassment.

But aside from the BBC pundits covering South Africa 2010 (an exception that pretty much proves the rule) if you genuinely love football, there is nothing more entrancing than watching a team like that operate: the metronomic “Pum pum pum pum,” of the ball moving between Xavi and Iniesta, the seeminly effortless control and ability to place the ball to feet exhibited by every player on the pitch including the effing goalkeeper, it’s mesmerising and inspiring and humbling and a million other adjectives that have all been used before.


Can they do it again? Probably. Will they do it again? That’s a tougher question. Is there the will? The collective energy that drives them to work as a team when seasonal feuds continue to pick away at the stitches?

The only thing we can be absolutely sure of is that it will be brilliant finding out.


The Netherlands

Manager: Louis van Gaal Special Skill: Big balls
Shirt: Oranje-BOOM!
Slogan: “Real men wear orange.”


First up, we must congratulate everyone hailing from the regions of Nether for the best tournament slogan so far. In case you’ve not heard, FIFA held a contest, the ‘best’ entries were selected and will be painted on the side of the team buses throughout the tournament. We can only assume that someone, whether it be the people of the Netherlands or some nefarious scamp at FIFA with a grudge, wanted to see their team driving about with “Real men wear orange” emblazoned across their mode of transport.

And for that we shall be eternally grateful.


Anyhoo, onto the team. The Oranje are always in some form of disarray before a major tournament - the question is not if they will implode, but when and how far we can expect the debris to travel. They managed to hold it together quite successfully in South Africa, taking the Spanish to extra time before finally conceding to Andres Iniesta, but failed to consolidate in EURO 2012, crashing out through the back door of Group B with only two goals scored, five conceded and zero points on the board.

Qualifying for Brazil was a breeze - joint top goalscorers, thrashing Hungary 8-1, first European team to qualify ya da ya da ya - but cracks are already visible on their shiny orange hull. Kevin Strootman has been ruled out with a knee injury, Robin van Persie has had a ‘difficult’ season at Manchester United and with the best will in the world, if ole’ Big Balls himself hasn’t got at least a third of an eye on his new gig, we can be the first to confirm that he indeed has the emotional capacity of a T-1000.


On the other hand, it’s always worth keeping an eye out for the likes of Klaas-Jan Huntelaar & Wesley Sneijder as they strut their funky stuff, and van Gaal’s formation for their recent friendly vs. Ecuador involved three centrebacks; something that we at the Ramble love to see.

Basically, watch them, enjoy them, but always be aware that they could go off in your face at any given moment.



Manager: Jorge Sampaoli Special Skill: Channelling Bielsa
Shirt: Hot red.
Slogan: “CHI CHI CHI!, LE LE LE! Go Chile.”


If the fact that manager Jorge Sampaoli has taken what Marcelo Bielsa did with the Chilean national team and expanded on it isn’t reason enough to sit up and take notice of this 50/1 shout, then a quick glance at the team sheet should.

The presence of Alexis Sanchez, Arturo Vidal and Gary Medel attests to the surging attack mentality (in Medel’s case, quite literally) developed by Bielsa until his departure 2011 and maintained by Sampaoli, who’s so confident of his side’s talents, he’s gone on the record with his expectations for the summer.

“It’s safe to say that Chile are contenders,” he said with unnerving optimism, late last year. “History says that in World Cups people always list the same favourites and names, but we will be as competitive as possible. We have to want it more than opponents, to surpass them in spirit. We will go mano a mano against anyone. Our idea is to surprise opponents who are used to having opponents play against them in a certain way.”

Mano a mano? Wow. They’ll definitely get out of the group with that kind of approach, assuming some of them remain on the pitch long enough.



Manager: Ange Postecoglou Special Skill: Home boy, ladies man.
Shirt: Same as Brazil’s, only with a collar. Optimistic?
Slogan: “Socceroos: Hopping our way to history.”


Looking at this group dispassionately, Australia are nailed on for the whipping boys wooden spoon. The joy of qualifying as runners-up in their group was swiftly tempered by two consecutive 6-0 defeats to Brazil and France, leading to the departure of Holger Osieck and the appointment of a man whose only triumphs lie in the Australian domestic leagues.

The old guard, whose experience at international level has proven crucial in past major tournaments is looking a little creaky - Tim Cahill isn’t exactly blazing a trail for the NY Red Bulls with one goal in seven appearances and Lucas Neill has been left out altogether.


Postecoglou is instead relying on youth to propel them forward, Preston North End’s Bailey Wright, Swindon Town’s Massimo Luongothe & Newcastle United’s Curtis Good all make the preliminary squad, led by Crystal Palace’s Mile Jedinak.

Essentially, it’ll be a miracle if they claw themselves out of the group. But this is football. Weird shit happens all the time..


By Kelly Welles

Netherlands, Spain, World Cup 2014, Brazil 2014, Australia, Chile

A rum old time was had by all…

We know the Brazuca is the most tested football ever. Largely because in our capacity as edgy football pundits of the moment, we’ve sat through about 10,000 videos of various people doing just that.

For this reason alone, we can confidently say that this one, featuring rum magnate Captain Morgan and his team of swarthy knaves, is our favourite.

So much so, in fact, that we’re going to save up for a Brazuca, climb into the Ramble-mobile, set a course for a beach and re-enact the whole darn shebang for our (and your) entertainment.

Anyone know where you can rent a cannon by the hour?


By Kelly Welles

Brazuca, Captain Morgan

United Passions: Revisionist theory?


Formed in 1904, FIFA’s humble beginnings can be traced back to a rented room in Paris. Four broke blokes with passion and a dream to unite the world of football.

They had no money, but through hard, work, guile and a willingness to bend the rules to get the job done, they put together a football tournament. The world was against them, hell, even fate was against them, but by god they went and did it. The World Cup was born.

Without them, we’d all be playing netball.

Alright, I may have tweaked the synopsis of ‘United Passions’ a touch, but is it wrong to be sceptical about a movie premièring at the Cannes film festival this week, starring as Joao Havelange, Gerard Depardieu as Jules Rimet & Tim Roth as Sepp Blatter?

Is it wrong to assume it’ll be a rose tinted retrospective, given that reports claim that £16m of the £19m budget was supplied by FIFA and Big Sepp had a tweak of the script?.

Y’know, it’s a risk I’m willing to take.


H/T @Nickperson from the Ramble Forum.

Sepp Blatter, FIFA, Joao Havelange, Jules Rimet, United Passions

Manchester United: Our Survey Says

The Good.

Crap run of form = managerial sacking. It’s an inevitability of an environment in which good results equate to more money and poor results equate to less.

If you’ve read any books about the game written by insiders in the last ten years, you’ll already know that there are many contributing factors to a loss of form (not least factions in dressing rooms) besides a manager’s tactical nous, but it’s always the manager who is sacrificed to the gods of unemployment. He’s a snapshot of club culture at the time, and his dismissal is symbolic of the board ‘listening’ to the fans.

The Bad.

Rarely can we report that a scientific study backs up our misguided contentions, but please, sound the airhorn. According to those clever peeps at Sheffield Hallam University, data collected from 2003/4 to 2012/2013 Premier League seasons and correlated with points data from the same period concludes that clubs in the top half of the table “saw no significant difference in their position after making a [managerial] change.”

Indeed, the findings were so significant that the authors “warn top-flight clubs striving for a place in Europe or challenging for the title, [that] ‘managerial change is unadvisable’”

There’s a whole bunch of other observations involving how new appointments can work for clubs in the lower half of the table which you can read about here, but we’re quite satisfied with the fact that sciunz has steered one of our speculative punts from the halfway line into the net while simultaneously hinting that we can probably look forward to another season of mayhem and intrigue at Old Trafford.

van gaal
... and the satirical t-shirt.

Sorry United fans, but your club has been among the elite in England for longer than many Ramblers have been alive. We’ll have one dig for every year Sir Alex was in charge and then leave you alone.



By Kelly Welles


Read the full article, Managing Leisure by Stuart W. Flint, Daniel J. Plumley & Robert J. Wilson, published by Taylor & Francis here.


H/T 101greatgoals for the van Gaal pic.

Manchester United, David Moyes

World Cup Crib Sheet: Group A

And so begins our World Cup coverage. You can expect more of this over the coming weeks, you lovely Rootball Fumblers, you.



Manager: Luis Felipe Scolari. Special Skill: He is The Walrus.

Shirt: The iconic yellow and green. You know you already have your eye on one. 

Slogan: “Brace yourselves! The Sixth is coming!”


The slogan might be a little optimistic, given that their preparation for the tournament consists of no competitive games since June 2013 and their manager has “been named as a formal suspect in a tax fraud investigation” but y’know. Home advantage and all that.

Unfortunately for the rest of us, they’re probably right to be at least eyeing up the mantelpiece with a view to clearing a space. Despite episodes of civil unrest during the Confederations Cup, A Seleção stormed through the group stages, beating Mexico 2-0 and Uruguay 2-1 in the process before flattening Spain 3-0 in the final.

neymar gif

As always with Brazilian sides, the talent is there; it simply depends on whether Scolari can tune them into firing at the same time. Brazilian pitches have a tendency to make Neymar unsteady on his feet, and while location alone is likely to ensure the refs reward him for it, other sides will be prepared and he may find himself marked out of games.


Or killed, if fellow forward Hulk falls on him.

On paper, the midfield and defensive line-ups look terrifying. David Luiz, Oscar, Ramires, Dani Alves and Willian have all represented in their domestic leagues this season but as England have so miserably proved in recent tournaments, season hangovers are heavy and since none of the aforementioned has had a straightforward run-in, they’re bound to be feeling the fatigue, mentally if not physically.

Then, of course,  there’s the Luiz factor. It can already be seen in (and around) the dressing room - both Willian & Jo are sporting similarly inflated afros – but has The Geezer’s propensity for howling errors also been absorbed by his teammates?


It’s the question on every ‘unofficial’ street vendors mind as they ponder their purchase orders, people.



Manager: Niko Kovač.Special Skill: A decent swing.

Shirt: Picnic blanket. Nom nom nom.

Slogan: “ With fire in our hearts, for Croatia all as one!”

Let’s get the difficult news out of the way first. Croatia are no longer led by a man who, with his band Rawbeau, wrote and recorded a song called ‘Fiery Madness’ to support their national team in EURO 2008.

Come on. Stay strong. Ahem.

After failing to emerge from the group stages of EURO 2012 (probably because he didn’t write a soft rock accompaniment), Ramble favourite Slaven Bilic departed the Croatian NT for pastures new and can currently be found terrorising the pub circuit in Turkey. Assuming Rawbeau have travelled, that is.

Former Bayern Munich midfielder Kovac took over the role after a brief but thrilling stint by Igor Štimac saw form plummet to the point where they almost failed to qualify for the tournament at all, and having steered them through a potentially awkward play-off vs. Iceland, his next job is to restore confidence to a team boasting the likes of Luka Modric, Mario Mandžukić and former Arsenal striker Eduardo but lacking strength in depth. 


He’s the second youngest manager in the tournament and the least qualified, but the fans love him and he is tremendously handsome.

The efficacy of these attributes is reflected in the current odds for Croatia to win (175/1) but goddamn it, this is a World Cup. Let the handsome happen.

It worked for Herve Renard.



Manager: Miguel Herrera Special Skill: Boundless optimism.

Shirt: Green & pleasant. Standard, really. 

Slogan: “ Always united, always Aztecas”


It’s been a pretty good tournament build-up for Oribe Peralta. The Mexico striker scored two goals in the final of the London Olympics to beat Brazil to the gold medal, was voted 2013’s CONCACAF Player of the Year and a lovely fat contract with Club America was signed and sealed before a ball is kicked in anger.


He’ll be in fine fettle for sure, but his cracking form was most certainly not reflected in his side’s qualification for the World Cup – they had to rely on a favour from an old adversary to scrape through to the play-offs - and while they dispatched New Zealand with ease over two legs, it’s fair to assume their previous flailing about will not be forgotten easily.

“GOOOOAAAAAAL The US of A PUTS us in the playoffs!!!!! USA! It is because of the USA that we are being placed in the playoffs ...BECAUSE OF THEM , NOT DUE TO YOU. Not any of you in the green shirts ....IT WAS THEM, NOT YOU! NOT YOU AND YOUR INFAMY….NOT YOU AND YOUR MORONS/PUNKS….”

And that was just the commentators.



Manager: Volker Finke Special Skill: He looks like a cross between Boris Johnson & Uncle Fester. So there’s that.

Kit: Don’t look. Seriously.

Slogan: “A lion remains a lion”


A lion does indeed always remain a lion.

It’s a crap time for an existential crisis, but because we’ve read more or less everything Dan Brown has written between us (we’re not saying we liked all of it, before you start) we’ve deciphered this cryptic message and can exclusively reveal that although they haven’t managed to persuade Roger Milla out of retirement again, they’re still going to have a good old crack at the opposition.


Of course, given that the opposition consists of the teams profiled above, being actual lions might be of more benefit on the pitch than a positive mental attitude, but don’t write them off just yet. While the majority of Volker Finke’s experience has been gained in Germany, the big man is a student of African football, bringing several players in during his tenure at SC Freiberg before it was de rigeur to do so and earning credit for helping transform German football in the process.

It will, of course, be fascinating to see Samuel Eto’o perform in his fourth (count ‘em!) World Cup but youth will get an opportunity too in the form of 22-year-old Vincent Aboubakar, who scored sixteen for Lorient last season. Other familiar names include Spurs’ Benoît Assou-Ekotto, Barca’s Alex Song and QPR’s Stephane Mbia.


Our advice? If there’s any mucking about to be done with corner flags, it needs to be more Milla than Eto’o. Keep that in mind and everyone will be happy.


By Kelly Welles

Brazil, Cameroon, Mexico, Croatia, World Cup

Arsene Wenger & The Faustian Pact of Win

He had to do something. Nine years without a trophy, calls for him to leave the club having reached an all-time (but unerringly polite) high, being 2-0 down within eight minutes of kick-off.

But it was only afterwards, when he stood clad in what dry gear the kitman could gather from a dressing room that had been as liberally squirted with the celebratory juices as the manager himself, did we learn the true cost of that FA Cup.

Full Anglicisation. It went a little something like this…

“I’ll doing anything to win this Cup.” Arsene’s plaintive cry rose from the dugout, as Curtis Davies struck in the eighth minute.

“Anything?” asked a disembodied voice that may well have been the devil, but could just as easily have been Ray Winstone.


“How about being mercilessly pursued around the Wembley pitch by one of your most unhinged forwards who’s brandishing a bottle of champagne like a weapon, getting hurled in the air by your players until you beg for mercy and then having to put on a tracksuit top, sandals and socks for the post-match interviews because your school shirt and shoes are ruined.

There is a short pause.

“Sandals AND socks? At the same time? Are you mental?”

“It’s an English tradition. And you have to get changed on the pitch too.”

There is another short pause, then a long exhalation of breath.

“OK. I’ll do it.”


And so it came to pass that Arsenal scored two goals, Kieran Gibbs missed a sitter (bless him), Aaron Ramsey spanked in a winner and The Magic of the FA Cup™ was restored.

Prepare yourselves, people. If England are to stand any chance of winning the World Cup, Roy Hodgson might have to dance with the devil. Or at least remove his trousers.

Either way, it ain’t going to be pretty.


By Kelly Welles

Arsenal, Arsene Wenger

Cristiano Ronaldo: Bringing up the rear. Again


Lionel Messi poses in pants. Cristiano poses without pants, and just Irina Shayk protecting his modesty (and the rest of us from the sight of his shaven nethers).

We’re used to this competitive duelling now. But before the Portuguese can add ‘most disturbing ‘modelling’ photograph in the history of football’ to his honours, he might want to have a closer look at Leo’s uh… portfolio.


Ooh, that’s a setback in an otherwise staggeringly successful career, isn’t it?


By Kelly Welles


Images via twitter, bubblear.

Portugal, Argentina, Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo

Diego Maradona: Right hand man


It never sounded like a high pressure gig, but Diego Maradona has taken a moment out of his hectic schedule as honorary sports ambassador of Dubai to offer the Pope a bit of advice. He told Reuters:

    “Little Francis, I say to you, I want to meet you and talk to you and I want to say many
    things to you and tell you the things you have to do for the world. This way we will have
    a Pope”.

It’s not clear whether Pope Francis was actively seeking guidance on how to run his operation, but it’s unlikely he’ll be too perturbed by this impressive misunderstanding of an ex-footballer’s remit.

It isn’t as though El Diego can easily pop to Italy to demand a one-on-one.


By Kelly Welles


Image via

Diego Maradona

Dzimtry Koub: Clever boy!

You’ve got 1500 people in the stadium to watch your ‘A Lyga game between Zalgiris & Trakai. It’s the 86th minute and you’re 1-0 down.  You rise like salmon in mating in season to meet a corner and bang in an equaliser deserving of recognition on a far bigger stage. But how to ensure people see it outside of Vilnius County, Lithuania?

As I said. Clever boy.


By Kelly Welles

Dzimtry Koub, Zalgiris, Trakai, Lithuania, A Lyga


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