The Football Ramble
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The latest things going on in football tagged with `Dortmund`

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Noted cheer-monger Jurgen Klopp stomped out of a TV interview last night after being asked by ZDF presenter Jochen Breyer whether his side were “done” in the Champions League. According to 101greatgoals (who obviously don’t rely on google translate to make up for their pathetic grasp of European languages), the Borussia Dortmund manager, who watched his struggling side slump to a 3-0 defeat to Real Madrid in the quarter-finals, replied:

“How can anyone pay my salary if I say the tie is done. I would be just as stupid to say we are going to thrash them, but I’m not going to be able continue standing in this studio to be provoked into saying a stupid thing. For stupid questions I can give stupid answers. “Mr Klopp, is it dumb?” I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to show up!”

He then put his microphone down, shook Oliver Kahn’s hand and wandered off into the bowels of the TV studio, where he was last seen beating the living shit out of a laundry basket. Probably.


By Kelly Welles


Mahoosive H/T to 101greatgoals. obvs.

Borussia Dortmund


They won the battle for Wayne Rooney’s heart and/or wallet last week and he rewarded them with a cracking goal vs. Crystal Palace on Saturday, but sceptics remain unconvinced as to whether he’ll win the war for Manchester United.



There’s no such prevarication with leader of men Zlatan Ibrahimovic. During PSG’s 4-2 victory over Toulouse, he had time to flub a panenka, score a hat-trick anyway and have a little sit down. He’d also almost certainly look better than Wayne Rooney in a leather thong too, although given that photographic evidence probably already exists in Zlatan’s ‘personal’ photo collection, it’s best not to think about that too much.


On the plus side, Weidenfeller can’t say he didn’t see it...



Opportunities for good cheer and merriment among Portsmouth fans were few and far between on Saturday, so fair play to Bradley Saunders for attempting to liven things up by grabbing a selfie with unsuspecting and underemployed Scunthorpe keeper Sam Slocombe.



Holland was the place to be at the weekend if Temuri Ketsbaia-esque explosions of emotion are your thing. Having just watching his Feyenoord colleagues concede a last minute equaliser to FC Twente and with it the opportunity to leapfrog them in the Eredivisie table, Graziano Pelle went on a mission of mass destruction with his feet. He kicked the dugout, a door and a camera tripod before disappearing into the changing room, where he presumably set about punching the living shit out of a tray of sandwiches.


By Kelly Welles


Image: 101greatgoals, @Penfold3.

Manchester United, Portsmouth, Paris St Germain, Borussia Dortmund, Wayne Rooney, Feyenoord, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Scunthorpe, Eredivisie, FC Twente


New Roma signing Michel Bastos offers an olive branch to the notoriously inclusive Lazio fans before Roma’s game with Juventus.



We’re all familiar with the catastrophic lapses in concentration that overcome many football fans when inside a tattoo studio.

Comfortingly, it seems this phenomenon is not just confined to British shores.



Gigi Buffon. Suave, sophisticated, supremely skilled. All redundant in the face of a red jumper/shoes combo.



For a brief period in our cultural history, Ford’s ‘Ka’ seemed a bit edgy and vanity plates were such a rarity they were actually a sort of socially acceptable form of conspicuous consumption.

How the world has changed.


Keysey (“Your KEY to sports) has nine videos on his website, carefully selected to articulate his contributions to football journalism. 

Plus this interview with a clearly enthused Mariah Carey. Anyone?


By Kelly Welles


Images:, tumblr, twitter.

Lazio, Borussia Dortmund, Roma, Wayne Rooney, Gianlugi Buffon, Michel Bastos

    Zlatan: “When you bring me to Dortmund?”

    Jurgen Klopp: Oh please. I have to sell the whole team.”

    Zlatan: No, I’d come for free.

He says that, but deep down you know that if Klopp did flog the entire Dortmund squad and field a team comprising Zlatan alone, the big Swede would consider himself more than capable of winning the Bundesliga.

In fact, it’d probably suit him just fine.


By Kelly Welles

Paris St Germain, Borussia Dortmund, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Jurgen Klopp

Bayer 04 Leverkusen 0-5 Man Utd

Evans and Valencia couldn’t celebrate. They, like us, were sickened that the game went ahead despite the absence of football luminary and local crime fighter Sidney Sam.


Juventus 3-1 FC Copenhagen


The demon barber of the San Siro is apparently now plying his terrifying trade in Turin.


Real Madrid 4-1 Galatasaray


That’s 17 red cards for Ramos in a Madrid shirt. You’d think he’d know the drill by now, wouldn’t you?


Paris Saint Germain 2-1 Olympiakos


Meanwhile, in Paris there was a welcome return for the Zlatan death grip – a variation on the Vulcan death grip that leaves victims convinced that Pep Guardiola is a terrible man.


Ajax 2-1 Barcelona


So Viktor Fischer, how does it feel to beat one of the best club sides in history?


Man City 4-2 Viktoria Plzen

joe hart

Woo hoo! Joe Hart is back!


Basel 1-0 Chelsea


Good to see you’ve smartened yourself up, ya scruffbag. #glasshouses


Borussia Dortmund 3-1 Napoli


Sven Bender broke his nose, bringing the total number of serious facial injuries he has suffered in the last two years to three. It’s becoming increasingly clear why Mr & Mrs Bender needed a spare.  


By Kelly Welles


Images:, Claudio Villa/Getty Images Europe, tumblr, FRANCK FIFE/AFP/Getty Images, Jamie McDonald/Getty Images Europe.

Manchester United, Juventus, Barcelona, Real Madrid, Napoli, Chelsea, Borussia Dortmund, Ajax

Manchester City 1-3 Bayern Munich

Joe Hart offers pundits the opportunity to make Roy Hodgson’s life incredibly difficult on the eve of some crucial World Cup qualifiers.


CSKA Moscow 3-2 Viktoria Plzen

On the plus side, it could’ve been a lot worse..

Real Madrid 4-0 Copenhagen

Ronaldo scored twice, thrilled the stats kids, while simultaneously articulating his preference for Di Maria over Bale in the Madrid starting line-up. Clever girl?


Arsenal 2-0 Napoli

For more metrosexual manlove visit the Emirates, where it flows as freely as the football.


Steaua Bucharest 0-4 Chelsea

Gigi Becali got his numbers wrong.


Ajax 1-1 AC Milan

Mario Balotelli scored last minute penalty, rescued indifferent team from the ignominy of defeat.


Borussia Dortmund 3-0 Marseille

Robert Lewandowski reiterated how hard Jurgen Klopp’s life is going to be once the prolific striker skips town for the bright lights of FC Hollywood.


Celtic 0-1 Barcelona

While Neymar took time out of his busy schedule to remind Scotland fans why they hate him so much. He’s a thoughtful lad, that one.


By Kelly Welles

Images: Denis Doyle, Dean Mouhtaropoulos , Paul Gilham, Richard Heathcote/Getty Images Europe, bleacherreport, @themrjl.

Bayern Munich, Barcelona, Real Madrid, Manchester City, Chelsea, Borussia Dortmund, Celtic, Joe Hart

dortmund reus
Image via facebook.

With little else to distract the average football fan during the uniquely dry month of July, kit releases are rapidly approaching levels of hysteria previously only seen in Jim White’s house on Transfer Deadline Day.

Critiques appear in national newspapers, social networks collapse under the weight of smart remarks and forums light up as devoted fans realise exactly how much stick they’re going to cop for simply donning club colours.

But is there more to it than simple sartorial elegance? Can a deeper meaning be divined from a club’s approach to the new season’s on pitch garb?

Turns out that it can, if you’re sufficiently imaginative. Here’s how…

Image via facebook.

Success in the Europa League last season on top of Champions League glory in 2012 may have led to a resurgence in the player power rumoured to have blighted Andre Villas-Boas’ tenure at the club. As Mourinho prepares his return, a timely reminder as to whose in charge is in order, so for their 2013/14 kit launch, senior players were held down in vats of blue gunk until they bled club colours. Like, medically. To ram home the point, the club then made a minor amendment to the universally accepted colour spectrum, telling us that white is in fact blue.

Expect: co-operation. And straight up denial of everything, regardless of visual evidence.

Borussia Dortmund
Image via facebook.

Die Schwarzgelben had a bit of a mare last season, but they haven’t allowed defeat by their greatest rivals and subsequent attempts to pillage their best players to divert their attention from what’s important. Indeed, having examined their new Puma gear, it appears that all Dortmund had in mind when picking the designs was the comfort of their babies.

Clean lines, subtle tablecloth pattern to remind them of their manners and built-in pelican bib for when Marco and his buddies share a rusk. Alright, the font is a bit dodgy, but forgive them for the trembly hands. Holding on to Robert Lewandowsi for dear life will have taken its toll. 

Expect: Jurgen Klopp’s toothy grin to become increasingly strained as he watches his pretty, be-quiffed charges running into hoardings after being blinded by the bright lights of FC Hollywood. Plus the odd Ribena stain. 

gerrard socksImage via bbcsporf.

Liverpool just hate everyone. They hate their players, they hate their fans but perhaps most importantly, they hate themselves to the point where they’ve taken up self-harming. The howls of derision that met Warrior’s attempt at an away kit last month merely hinted at the pleasurable emo pain to be gained from universal embarrassment, or at least this is all we can assume, given the petrifying horror of their recently released third kit.

Expect: Steve Claridge to show up, possibly as player/manager. His influence is already evident from the mismatched horror socks.
Seriously, guys. Stop punching yourselves. Ok?

Liverpool, Chelsea, Borussia Dortmund, New Kits

Gotze bayern
Image via facebook.

In scenes that will break the hearts of Dortmund fans everywhere (although mainly in Dortmund), Mario Götze has been officially unveiled as a Bayern Munich player. The 21-year-old attacking midfielder expressed his delight at the move, stating “It’s something new and something special for me to be here. I have a great feeling.”

Fortunately he managed to contain the physical manifestation of his delight. Last time he was this happy, several members of the general public almost lost an eye. 

Gotze poky poky
Image via bigsoccer.

Bayern Munich, Borussia Dortmund, mario gotze

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