The Football Ramble
Est 2007 - the most entertaining voice in football

The latest things going on in football tagged with `Dortmund`

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klopp

Published on Squawka’s Twitter feed yesterday, this photo of Jurgen Klopp with the Dortmund mascot is, at best, vaguely amusing.

Mostly because Jurgen Klopp is in it.

With @iamscassidy’s caption (post title), it instantly becomes everything that is right with modern football.

Hat well and truly tipped, as they say.

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By Kelly Welles

Borussia Dortmund, Jurgen Klopp

klopp

At the end of last season, Felix Magath sent his players to Nepal, where they were instructed to climb Mount Everest**, unaccompanied and unaided, and then find their way back to Fulham’s training ground for bleep tests.

They’re not back yet, but while we’ve been waiting, we’ve been wondering whether it’s necessary to take such a severe approach to pre-season.

Take Jurgen Klopp, for instance. A quick glance across Borussia Dortmund’s Facebook page demonstrates that while Kloppy’s sessions are filled with vigorous exercise, there’s plenty of good cheer and merriment. On top of that, he still appears capable of finding time for serious football business. Klopp’s training regime includes:

cycling

Cardio in a cape.

kick

Player discipline.

hiding in plain sight

Conducting psychological experiments on his players.

perusing

Perusing the transfer market in search of up and coming players.

shave

Personal hygiene.

nobby

It just shows you, as long as you’ve got a solid backroom staff to rely on, you can achieve almost anything.

Food for thought, Mr Magath? We think so.

**possibly.

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By Kelly Welles

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Images via facebook, twitter.

Borussia Dortmund, Jurgen Klopp

 
Noted cheer-monger Jurgen Klopp stomped out of a TV interview last night after being asked by ZDF presenter Jochen Breyer whether his side were “done” in the Champions League. According to 101greatgoals (who obviously don’t rely on google translate to make up for their pathetic grasp of European languages), the Borussia Dortmund manager, who watched his struggling side slump to a 3-0 defeat to Real Madrid in the quarter-finals, replied:

“How can anyone pay my salary if I say the tie is done. I would be just as stupid to say we are going to thrash them, but I’m not going to be able continue standing in this studio to be provoked into saying a stupid thing. For stupid questions I can give stupid answers. “Mr Klopp, is it dumb?” I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to show up!”

He then put his microphone down, shook Oliver Kahn’s hand and wandered off into the bowels of the TV studio, where he was last seen beating the living shit out of a laundry basket. Probably.

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By Kelly Welles

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Mahoosive H/T to 101greatgoals. obvs.

Borussia Dortmund

300

They won the battle for Wayne Rooney’s heart and/or wallet last week and he rewarded them with a cracking goal vs. Crystal Palace on Saturday, but sceptics remain unconvinced as to whether he’ll win the war for Manchester United.

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zlatan

There’s no such prevarication with leader of men Zlatan Ibrahimovic. During PSG’s 4-2 victory over Toulouse, he had time to flub a panenka, score a hat-trick anyway and have a little sit down. He’d also almost certainly look better than Wayne Rooney in a leather thong too, although given that photographic evidence probably already exists in Zlatan’s ‘personal’ photo collection, it’s best not to think about that too much.

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On the plus side, Weidenfeller can’t say he didn’t see it...

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slocombe

Opportunities for good cheer and merriment among Portsmouth fans were few and far between on Saturday, so fair play to Bradley Saunders for attempting to liven things up by grabbing a selfie with unsuspecting and underemployed Scunthorpe keeper Sam Slocombe.

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Holland was the place to be at the weekend if Temuri Ketsbaia-esque explosions of emotion are your thing. Having just watching his Feyenoord colleagues concede a last minute equaliser to FC Twente and with it the opportunity to leapfrog them in the Eredivisie table, Graziano Pelle went on a mission of mass destruction with his feet. He kicked the dugout, a door and a camera tripod before disappearing into the changing room, where he presumably set about punching the living shit out of a tray of sandwiches.

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By Kelly Welles

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Image: 101greatgoals, @Penfold3.

Manchester United, Portsmouth, Paris St Germain, Borussia Dortmund, Wayne Rooney, Feyenoord, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Scunthorpe, Eredivisie, FC Twente

merda

New Roma signing Michel Bastos offers an olive branch to the notoriously inclusive Lazio fans before Roma’s game with Juventus.

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tatt

We’re all familiar with the catastrophic lapses in concentration that overcome many football fans when inside a tattoo studio.

Comfortingly, it seems this phenomenon is not just confined to British shores.

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gigi

Gigi Buffon. Suave, sophisticated, supremely skilled. All redundant in the face of a red jumper/shoes combo.

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ka

For a brief period in our cultural history, Ford’s ‘Ka’ seemed a bit edgy and vanity plates were such a rarity they were actually a sort of socially acceptable form of conspicuous consumption.

How the world has changed.

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Keysey (“Your KEY to sports) has nine videos on his website, carefully selected to articulate his contributions to football journalism. 

Plus this interview with a clearly enthused Mariah Carey. Anyone?

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By Kelly Welles

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Images: foxports.br, tumblr, twitter.

Lazio, Borussia Dortmund, Roma, Wayne Rooney, Gianlugi Buffon, Michel Bastos

 
    Zlatan: “When you bring me to Dortmund?”

    Jurgen Klopp: Oh please. I have to sell the whole team.”

    Zlatan: No, I’d come for free.

He says that, but deep down you know that if Klopp did flog the entire Dortmund squad and field a team comprising Zlatan alone, the big Swede would consider himself more than capable of winning the Bundesliga.

In fact, it’d probably suit him just fine.

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By Kelly Welles

Paris St Germain, Borussia Dortmund, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Jurgen Klopp

Bayer 04 Leverkusen 0-5 Man Utd
manchester

Evans and Valencia couldn’t celebrate. They, like us, were sickened that the game went ahead despite the absence of football luminary and local crime fighter Sidney Sam.

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Juventus 3-1 FC Copenhagen

juve

The demon barber of the San Siro is apparently now plying his terrifying trade in Turin.

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Real Madrid 4-1 Galatasaray

ramos

That’s 17 red cards for Ramos in a Madrid shirt. You’d think he’d know the drill by now, wouldn’t you?

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Paris Saint Germain 2-1 Olympiakos

zlatan

Meanwhile, in Paris there was a welcome return for the Zlatan death grip – a variation on the Vulcan death grip that leaves victims convinced that Pep Guardiola is a terrible man.

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Ajax 2-1 Barcelona

fischer

So Viktor Fischer, how does it feel to beat one of the best club sides in history?

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Man City 4-2 Viktoria Plzen

joe hart

Woo hoo! Joe Hart is back!

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Basel 1-0 Chelsea

mou

Good to see you’ve smartened yourself up, ya scruffbag. #glasshouses

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Borussia Dortmund 3-1 Napoli

dortmund

Sven Bender broke his nose, bringing the total number of serious facial injuries he has suffered in the last two years to three. It’s becoming increasingly clear why Mr & Mrs Bender needed a spare.  

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By Kelly Welles

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Images: Kicker.jp, Claudio Villa/Getty Images Europe, tumblr, FRANCK FIFE/AFP/Getty Images, Jamie McDonald/Getty Images Europe.

Manchester United, Juventus, Barcelona, Real Madrid, Napoli, Chelsea, Borussia Dortmund, Ajax

Manchester City 1-3 Bayern Munich
hart

Joe Hart offers pundits the opportunity to make Roy Hodgson’s life incredibly difficult on the eve of some crucial World Cup qualifiers.

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CSKA Moscow 3-2 Viktoria Plzen

On the plus side, it could’ve been a lot worse..
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Real Madrid 4-0 Copenhagen
ronaldo

Ronaldo scored twice, thrilled the stats kids, while simultaneously articulating his preference for Di Maria over Bale in the Madrid starting line-up. Clever girl?

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Arsenal 2-0 Napoli
arsenal

For more metrosexual manlove visit the Emirates, where it flows as freely as the football.

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Steaua Bucharest 0-4 Chelsea
becali

Gigi Becali got his numbers wrong.

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Ajax 1-1 AC Milan
balo

Mario Balotelli scored last minute penalty, rescued indifferent team from the ignominy of defeat.

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Borussia Dortmund 3-0 Marseille
klopp


Robert Lewandowski reiterated how hard Jurgen Klopp’s life is going to be once the prolific striker skips town for the bright lights of FC Hollywood.

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Celtic 0-1 Barcelona
neymar

While Neymar took time out of his busy schedule to remind Scotland fans why they hate him so much. He’s a thoughtful lad, that one.

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By Kelly Welles

Images: Denis Doyle, Dean Mouhtaropoulos , Paul Gilham, Richard Heathcote/Getty Images Europe, bleacherreport, @themrjl.

Bayern Munich, Barcelona, Real Madrid, Manchester City, Chelsea, Borussia Dortmund, Celtic, Joe Hart

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