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We’re getting close to a YouTube montage situation here, people. I’m thinking a choice selection of World Cup misses interspersed with panoramic face palms and the now notorious sadface on the bench, all soundtracked by The Longpigs heart wrenching ode to never-ending pain : On and On.

This penalty miss deserves a looping crescendo, wouldn’t you say?

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By Kelly Welles

Brazil, Fred, The Longpigs

 
At least he put the kid down first. Perhaps he’s mellowing with age.

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By Kelly Welles

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H/T The Secret Journalist.

Diego Maradona

 
You thought that Michael Owen’s outrageous and frequently hilarious hubris had retired with him, didn’t you?

You were wrong. The man who shook the world (in his day) was having a kick about with Conference Premier side Chester FC when struck the ball into the goal so hard, the net needed fixing.

Did you get that? He hit it so hard, THE NET NEEDED FIXING. OKAY?

Good. As you were.

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By Kelly Welles

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H/T @waatp.

Michael Owen, Chester FC

sag

Really, Cristiano?

 
Are you sure?

Because while we’re certain the aforementioned sagging is high on your list of worries, you don’t seem to be sufficiently bothered to actually demonstrate this ‘facial fitness’ device in the advertisement.

pao

It makes us suspect that you know that using this thing makes a person look like they’re in need of an intervention.

Were you hoping we wouldn’t notice?

fess

You should know us better than that by now, mate.

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By Kelly Welles

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Images via shlab.com.

Cristiano Ronaldo, Pao

 
The confluence of events enabling Luis Suarez to be banned from both international and club football for such a significant period of time that his first game back would be against his new club’s arch rivals was so serendipitous, we almost believed that Pepe would have taken anger management classes, just to counterbalance fate.

realroma

Thankfully, we don’t have that kind of influence over world events just yet. And the Portuguese madman has once again proved he’s as capable as ever of getting into rows, offering hope that his encounter with Suarez in October will be the meaty affair we’re all secretly hoping for.

pepe

Last night, Seydou Keita refused to shake Pepe’s hand prior to Madrid’s friendly against Roma in Dallas; a move that has been linked back to an unpleasant incident between the pair in a Supercopa game back in 2011, when Keita accused Pepe of calling him a ‘monkey’.

Keita then threw a bottle of water at Pepe, narrowly missing the defender’s head, but provoking El Clasico-esque scenes between the players.

 
At some time during the festivities a football match broke out, Sergio Ramos got nutmegged (2.26) and Fransceco Totti scored the decisive goal.

Best fighting trousers on, Ramblers! The real El Clasico is going to be a barnstormer this year.

Assuming Pepe doesn’t get himself a ban. That’d be suitably ironic.

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By Kelly Welles

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Images: larepublica, Twitter.

Liverpool, Barcelona, Real Madrid, Roma, Luis Suarez, Francesco Totti

 
Norrkoping striker Alhaji Kamara responded to a second yellow and subsequent red card in his side’s Allsvenskan fixture vs. Orebro yesterday by running off the pitch, screaming his little heart out.

No idea why. It’s not as if Kenny Pavey was after him.

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By Kelly Welles

Kenny Pavey, Allsvenskan, Orebro, Norrkoping, Alhaji Kamara

 
A long, relaxed, slow up-yours to Jurgen Klinsmann from the USMNT’s out of favour striker.

Nice work, Landy. Although if you’ve got that much time on your hands, you should probably consider upgrading to a PS4. The resolution on your World Cup winning goal would then be as sharp as the point you’re making.

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By Kelly Welles

usmnt, Landon Donovan

 
There’s going to come a time in your World Cup experience when you have to explain to someone who doesn’t watch football why there are people rioting outside the stadia. Why the population of Brazil, known for their passionate love of the game, are protesting against its most prestigious tournament being held in their country. Basically, you’re going to have to explain why everybody hates FIFA.

This, by former Daily Show contributor John Oliver, should help.

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By Kelly Welles

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H/T @lozil.

FIFA, World Cup 2014

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