The Football Ramble
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Videos from The Football Ramble

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There aren’t too many opportunities in life to celebrate the outlandish geekery we Ramblers revel in.

Indeed, far from impressing those around us, the ability to reel off the backline for our team’s horrific capitulation to lower league giant killers back in 1993’s FA Cup third round frequently identifies us as a target for people who spend their time engaged in more ‘worthy’ pursuits. Like shopping.

everton

Occasionally though, a kindly sportswear manufacturer takes pity on our ilk and offers a reward for our diligence and commitment. (In short, pay attention to the next bit. There’s something in it for you.)

shirts

To celebrate their 90th year in (and around) football, Umbro have created this video, which celebrates the teams who ply their trade in the double diamonds. There are 49 teams represented and all you have to do is identify them, email .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) with the list and the five peeps who get closest get to pick a shirt from Umbro’s worldwide collection.

The added bonus being that your family will be so annoyed by your insistence on wearing your new PetroJet FC top every day that they’ll probably refuse to let you travel with them to the out of town shopping centre.

Exactly how much more win is it possible to carry?

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By Kelly Welles

Everton, Umbro, Hull City

Frank Leboeuf’s foray into acting inspired Marcus to ask the chaps “Who’s your favourite footballing actor?” in this week’s show.

fitz

As usual, you were disappointed with their choices (despite Jim’s quite staggering contribution of Fitz Hall in The Fifth Element) and immediately overwhelmed us with your own suggestions.

stan

Our favourite so far is Spanish farce ‘Quién mató a Bambi?’ (Who Killed Bambi), submitted by @GameofThrowIns, because driving a car into a stadium containing Andres Iniesta who then approaches and is hit in the face with the car door is the most mystifying automotive related decision in filmmaking since Collymore was cast in Basic Instinct 2.

Lasts about as long, too.

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By Kelly Welles

Basic Instinct 2, Stan Collymore

You may have clicked on a link this morning. Once the new page opened, you will have been confronted by the reason why Wayne Rooney always mouths and never sings the words to the National Anthem at international games.

Fortunately, Petr Cech arrived shortly after, with this fabulous rendition of Foo Fighter’s ‘Walk’ on dem skins.

But if we take the gaping talent gulf and put it to one side for a moment, does anyone find the sincerity oozing from each clip a little disconcerting?

trvi

What next? A moving cover of the trumpet solo from ‘Motorcycle Emptiness’, performed in and around the Trevi Fountain by Ashley Cole?

Just stop it. Ok?

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By Kelly Welles

Petr Cech, Wayne Rooney, Ashley Cole, Ed Sheeran, Foo Fighters, Manic Street Preachers

Remember last week, when I had a sarcasm spasm in the general direction of pitch invaders?

I take it back. That scarf waving prannock is welcome every week if the alternative is the Hapoel Tel Aviv ‘fan’ who somehow managed to lumber onto the pitch during their fixture with rivals Maccabi and attack Eran Zehavi last night.

hit

And sadly, that was just the start of the mayhem. The ref issued a red card to Zehavi for his response to the attack, everyone went mental, the game was temporarily suspended and upon resumption the pitch was invaded again.

red

The game was eventually abandoned, presumably after officials decided that a significant minority of the crowd were so intellectually compromised, they couldn’t seriously be expected to behave themselves in public.

Hapoel general manager Eyal Berkovic(yes, that one), described it as “a dark day for local soccer.”

He’s not wrong.

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By Kelly Welles

Eyal Berkovic, Maccabi Tel Aviv, Hapoel Tel Aviv, Eran Zehavi

Franck Ribery returned to Bayern Munich’s starting line-up last night for their DFB Pokal Cup fixture vs. Hamburg, but apparently not everyone was pleased to see him.

Ribery was instrumental in Bayern’s 3-1 victory, but was set upon by a pitch invader during stoppage time and struck with a scarf. Sensibly, he then backs off and offers a few hand gestures from a safe distance before being grabbed by stewards and carted off the pitch.

Usually this sentence would be a sarcastic riposte in the general direction of pitch invaders (or the efficacy of Ribery’s face fungus in dealing with him) but the distance that guy managed to cover and number of players he was in proximity to in the time it took for a steward to get anywhere near him is terrifying. 

Goddamit. Bloke stole my mojo. I don’t know if Manuel Neuer’s latest foray into the Midfield Keeper position during the same game is enough to restore my faith in the game.

Alright. I’ll give it a go if you will.

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By Kelly Welles

Bayern Munich, Franck Ribery, Hamburg

Gentlemen. Ever inadvertently touched a lady’s breasticle in public?

If you’re not a sex pest (or disgraced former television presenter, say) you’ll have probably had a small aneurysm and turned into Hugh Grant on the spot, spluttering apologies and denials, just as Hertha Berlin defender Peter Niemeyer was about to do to ref Bibiana Steinhaus in this clip from a game a few years ago.

Thankfully, everybody involved was working on the premise that grown up men and women can interact professionally without being crass or offensive and everyone had a good old laugh.

Bibiana Steinhaus simultaneously became the coolest match official in the universe.

 
The reason for digging up this clip is because Steinhaus has once again fallen victim to ‘inappropriate touching’, this time at the unlikely hands of Pep Guardiola. She was acting as fourth official during Bayern Munich’s fractious and ultimately fruitless draw with Borussia Monchengladbach last weekend, when Pep became agitated at the amount of stoppage time his team were allowed to play and tried, among other things, to put his arm around her shoulder.

She shook him off like the ineffectual irritant he was at that point and the game continued. Pep was left contemplating a touchline ban while we wondered not what it might be like to have a regular female match official (we take it as read that our readers of both sexes don’t have a problem with that) but whether we might ever see a match official in the English top flight as cool, competent and unaffected by reflected celebrity status as Bibi Steinhaus.

clat


Outlook: Unlikely.

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By Kelly Welles

Bayern Munich, Mark Clattenburg, Pep Guardiola, Bibiana Steinhaus

One of the year’s star performers has been excluded from the shortlist of a prestigious award, due to an unfortunate incident involving a bite on a fellow player.

edu

The as yet unnamed hound was on the pitch during a vital cup match between Sao Paulo-RS and Farroupilha last weekend, but bit teammate Eduardo Mandai during what appeared to be a misunderstanding over a substitution. Such was the dog’s influence on the game, Mandai scored a spectacular strike shortly afterwards, but officials were obviously not persuaded by his contribution and he was left off the prestigious Ballon P’Aw shortlist released this morning.

The shock exclusion has led to intense speculation on social media, although the reasoning behind the decision remains unconfirmed at this time.

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By Kelly Welles

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H/T 101greatgoals.

 

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