The Football Ramble
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Even those of you with Bielsan levels of dedication to football will be familiar with the work of Roger Federer.

One of the finest tennis players ever to grace the court, he’s won virtually everything there is to win, several times, and has transcended the game with his capacity for pulling off insane shots in high pressure situations.

Oh, and there was that time he casually smashed a can off a nervous looking crew member’s head from distance during a Gillette shoot.

But while impressing the likes of us with your abilities isn’t hard (on the scale of athleticism that runs from ‘Utterly Inept’ to ‘Elite’, we’re dozing comfortably in the ‘Sloth’ area) thrilling people capable of their own feats of genius is something else entirely.

When you can make the likes of Paolo Maldini & Andriy Shevchenko shake their heads in awe at your insouciant flair, it’s only a matter of time before someone builds a statue.

Gits. The lot of ‘em.


By Kelly Welles



Paolo Maldini, Roger Federer, Andriy Shevchenko

gold suit
That suit in full.

It’s raining. It’s chilly. Winter’s looming like Peter Crouch in a giraffe costume.

But it hasn’t always been this way. Just a few short months ago we were looking forward to third degree burns, contemplating the sartorial dos and don’ts of shorts in the workplace and the possibility of England not being rubbish in a World Cup.

Heady days indeed.

Allow us to help you recapture those glorious moments.

Turn the heating up, put your mankini on and watch two more videos from the Football Ramble’s first ever live show, during which the boys discuss the pitfalls of renting an apartment from Ronaldinho and cast their eyes over the FIFA bus slogans for the aforementioned tournament.

Then take a picture and send it in. Dare ya.


By Kelly Welles

Ronaldinho, ronaldo, Football Ramble Live

This POV video of Everton U21 Russell Griffiths being put through his paces during the club’s summer training camp in Austria certainly dispels the myth that a keeper’s fitness requirements extend to pulling off the odd jump between fags and Mars Bars chucked at them by the crowd.

Or does it? In the interests of completeness, we obtained this exclusive footage from Neville Southall’s POV cam, circa 2000.


Oh well. It was fun while it lasted.


By Kelly Welles

Everton, Neville Southall, Russell Griffiths, Bradford City


“One time Wayne Rooney and I were on the massage table just after the story came out about Sven’s relationship with Faria Alam,” RIo Ferdinand writes in his new autobiography.

“I was going: ‘Look at her! I bet he was throwing her all over the gaff!’

“All of a sudden I notice it’s very quiet and Sven, standing behind me, goes: ‘Well, it wasn’t quite like that’.

“He then starts to laugh, says goodnight and walks out.”

And with that, Rio Ferdinand simultaneously cements his place in Ramble hearts forever and extinguishes any need for us to bother reading his autobiography.

He’s not going to top that, is he?

We’re just joshing. Anyone whose professional career has spanned eighteen years (to date) will have tales to tell, but one whose represented England at the highest level, been involved in all manner of mayhem and was in the locker room of one of England’s biggest clubs as the foundations began to crumble is going to have the attention of the world when he shares his story.


Among the anecdotes to emerge from The Sun’s serialisation of #2sides: Rio Ferdinand - My Autobiography (he loves a hashtag, that boy) so far are David Moyes insistence that Manchester United make 600 passes per game, that a pair of snug trousers were ultimately responsible for Cristiano Ronaldo’s departure from the club and Wayne Rooney’s hair travails were enjoyed as much by the players as they were by the press.

But it’s the insights into the inner workings of Manchester United that have proven to be the most fascinating. In an interview with Clare Balding, due to be shown on BT Sport 2 tonight at 10.00pm, Rio reveals that Ferguson’s side rarely celebrated their victories and genuinely believes that was integral to their continued success.

He also tells of the shockwave that went through the dressing room when the players learned that Sir Alex was retiring, and, in news that won’t surprise anyone who’s been paying attention to football for the last ten years, confirms that Craig Bellamy is a bit of a loonbag.

We’ll be reviewing the book for our now biannual ‘Book of the Week’ segment in the coming days, but while you’re on the edge of your seat waiting for that, keep yourself busy with Balding.

Bt Sport 2. 10.00pm tonight. Be there or be Rooney’s hair.


By Kelly Welles

England, Wayne Rooney, Sven Goran Eriksson, Rio Ferdinand, Clare Balding, Craig Bellamy

The best thing about this adidas video promoting Real Madrid’s new Yohji Yamamoto designed Champions League kit is that it gives elite players like Asier Illarramendi and Karim Benzema the opportunity to experience life as John Parkin.


Well, they say the camera adds ten pounds.


Obviously animated pencil adds another thirty to that.


Oh, and if dragons and fatsuits and cartoons that remind you vaguely of He-Man cartoons aren’t enough, Cristiano Ronaldo is in it too.

Bet the Nike lawyers love that like they gave birth to it.

By Kelly Welles

adidas, Gareth Bale, Cristiano Ronaldo, Asier Illarramendi, Karim Benzema, Yohji Yamamoto

This is one of those rare moments in football when we can put our club affiliations and personal feelings aside and laugh together.

A bit like this one.

Oh, wait. And this one.

Paging Mr van Gaal? It might be time to drop your trousers again. They seem to work better with the fear of god in ‘em.


By Kelly Welles

Gary Neville, Louis van Gaal, Sir Alex Ferguson

Any relationship becomes stale over time. Even the most passionate.

The truth is, we love you, Ramblers. We’ve been together for a long time, but we’re worried that the concept of a free weekly podcast full of searing analysis and sardonic humour might have become stale for you.

Late at night, when we’re asleep you might be sneaking to the computer, looking at other football media, thinking about other football shows presented by different blokes and contemplating how much greener their pitch looks than ours.


So we’ve done something about it. We’ve smartened ourselves up. We got haircuts and new shirts. Began experimenting with other social media platforms. Facebook. Instagram. YouTube.


That’s right. You can see our faces. See us in costumes. What we’d look like if we all had a beard like Roy Keane’s. Realise that far from being a nefarious Gollum type we keep in the basement, Pete is a nattily dressed chap who knows how to operate a pocket square.

That Marcus bears a passing resemblance to a lot of handsome chaps, not just Peter Andre & Paul Peschisolido. James or Jim doesn’t look like Ellen Degeneres and it is but a vicious rumour perpetuated by the aforementioned that Luke’s beard looks like it is made from hay.


Bask in us, Ramblers. You might as well. You can’t avoid us. We’re everywhere now.


By Kelly Welles

Football Ramble Live

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