The Football Ramble
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This is one of those rare moments in football when we can put our club affiliations and personal feelings aside and laugh together.

 
A bit like this one.

 
Oh, wait. And this one.

Paging Mr van Gaal? It might be time to drop your trousers again. They seem to work better with the fear of god in ‘em.

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By Kelly Welles

Gary Neville, Louis van Gaal, Sir Alex Ferguson

Any relationship becomes stale over time. Even the most passionate.

 
The truth is, we love you, Ramblers. We’ve been together for a long time, but we’re worried that the concept of a free weekly podcast full of searing analysis and sardonic humour might have become stale for you.

Late at night, when we’re asleep you might be sneaking to the computer, looking at other football media, thinking about other football shows presented by different blokes and contemplating how much greener their pitch looks than ours.

lions

So we’ve done something about it. We’ve smartened ourselves up. We got haircuts and new shirts. Began experimenting with other social media platforms. Facebook. Instagram. YouTube.

thrones

That’s right. You can see our faces. See us in costumes. What we’d look like if we all had a beard like Roy Keane’s. Realise that far from being a nefarious Gollum type we keep in the basement, Pete is a nattily dressed chap who knows how to operate a pocket square.

 
That Marcus bears a passing resemblance to a lot of handsome chaps, not just Peter Andre & Paul Peschisolido. James or Jim doesn’t look like Ellen Degeneres and it is but a vicious rumour perpetuated by the aforementioned that Luke’s beard looks like it is made from hay.

pete

Bask in us, Ramblers. You might as well. You can’t avoid us. We’re everywhere now.

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By Kelly Welles

Football Ramble Live

 
As you’ll be aware, the patented Luke Moore Penalty Algorithm (patent pending) was a crucial factor in your enjoyment of the World Cup.

Indeed, a recent survey concluded that 97% of the Ramble demographic would be UNABLE to continue enjoying football without access to the algorithm. Fearing that without immediate action, the game as we know it might die out, Luke spent several minutes over the summer testing and developing the algorithm, eager to play his part.

His findings were presented to an audience of respected academics in the United States, with early exit polls indicating that football is now safe.

The Football Ramble. Influencing the game. You’re welcome.

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By Kelly Welles

KickTV

save

See that? That bloke diving to his right, realising he’s made a mistake, scrambling to his feet, diving to his left and making the save anyway ISN’T EVEN A KEEPER.

 
He’s Michael Tarnat, a man who began Bayern Munich’s Bundesliga fixture vs. Frankfurt in September 1999 in defence, before watching not one, but two keepers capitulate to injury and manfully stepping into the breach.

You want more?

 
When he played for Manchester City he scored this absolute blunderbuss of a free kick.

Tarnat is now a talent scout for Bayern Munich. Figures.

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By Kelly Welles

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H/T @gabeh7.

Bayern Munich, Manchester City, Michael Tarnat

 

At first glance, this stunning footage (shot prior to Argentina’s friendly with the USA on March 26, 2011) of Lionel Messi scoring twice from one kick is just further confirmation that he is the finest player ever to tread god’s green turf.
 

 

Then you remember Darren Bent did it for Sunderland in a Premier League match in 2009 and you’re confronted with the possibility that, for at least thirteen seconds of his life, Lionel Messi might have been inspired to emulate the work of England’s second most unfortunate striker.

It’s a funny old game.

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By Kelly Welles

Liverpool, Barcelona, Lionel Messi, Sunderland, Darren Bent, Beachball

 
He’s not fist pumping because he met the Pope. He’s fist pumping because he got into the Vatican without attracting the attention of the Italian tax authorities.

Allegedly.

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By Kelly Welles

Argentina, Diego Maradona, Pope Francis

 
While Paddy Power’s ‘Rainbow Laces’ campaign received a lot of positive coverage last year, many (including us) questioned whether encouraging top flight players to brighten up their already blinding footwear was a little low key to promote real change.

We feared that while certain players might use the campaign to ingratiate themselves with a cause they deemed worthy and popular, real solidarity and progress would only be assured if a significant number of big name players got involved.

To those supporters out there who hurl homophobic insults at players and fans from those spaces in football built on insecurity, fear and ignorance: how’s it feel in there?

Getting a bit tight now, is it?

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By Kelly Welles

Arsenal, Paddy Power, #RainbowLaces

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