The Football Ramble
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“One time Wayne Rooney and I were on the massage table just after the story came out about Sven’s relationship with Faria Alam,” RIo Ferdinand writes in his new autobiography.

“I was going: ‘Look at her! I bet he was throwing her all over the gaff!’

“All of a sudden I notice it’s very quiet and Sven, standing behind me, goes: ‘Well, it wasn’t quite like that’.

“He then starts to laugh, says goodnight and walks out.”

And with that, Rio Ferdinand simultaneously cements his place in Ramble hearts forever and extinguishes any need for us to bother reading his autobiography.

He’s not going to top that, is he?

We’re just joshing. Anyone whose professional career has spanned eighteen years (to date) will have tales to tell, but one whose represented England at the highest level, been involved in all manner of mayhem and was in the locker room of one of England’s biggest clubs as the foundations began to crumble is going to have the attention of the world when he shares his story.


Among the anecdotes to emerge from The Sun’s serialisation of #2sides: Rio Ferdinand - My Autobiography (he loves a hashtag, that boy) so far are David Moyes insistence that Manchester United make 600 passes per game, that a pair of snug trousers were ultimately responsible for Cristiano Ronaldo’s departure from the club and Wayne Rooney’s hair travails were enjoyed as much by the players as they were by the press.

But it’s the insights into the inner workings of Manchester United that have proven to be the most fascinating. In an interview with Clare Balding, due to be shown on BT Sport 2 tonight at 10.00pm, Rio reveals that Ferguson’s side rarely celebrated their victories and genuinely believes that was integral to their continued success.

He also tells of the shockwave that went through the dressing room when the players learned that Sir Alex was retiring, and, in news that won’t surprise anyone who’s been paying attention to football for the last ten years, confirms that Craig Bellamy is a bit of a loonbag.

We’ll be reviewing the book for our now biannual ‘Book of the Week’ segment in the coming days, but while you’re on the edge of your seat waiting for that, keep yourself busy with Balding.

Bt Sport 2. 10.00pm tonight. Be there or be Rooney’s hair.


By Kelly Welles

England, Wayne Rooney, Sven Goran Eriksson, Rio Ferdinand, Clare Balding, Craig Bellamy

The best thing about this adidas video promoting Real Madrid’s new Yohji Yamamoto designed Champions League kit is that it gives elite players like Asier Illarramendi and Karim Benzema the opportunity to experience life as John Parkin.


Well, they say the camera adds ten pounds.


Obviously animated pencil adds another thirty to that.


Oh, and if dragons and fatsuits and cartoons that remind you vaguely of He-Man cartoons aren’t enough, Cristiano Ronaldo is in it too.

Bet the Nike lawyers love that like they gave birth to it.

By Kelly Welles

adidas, Gareth Bale, Cristiano Ronaldo, Asier Illarramendi, Karim Benzema, Yohji Yamamoto

This is one of those rare moments in football when we can put our club affiliations and personal feelings aside and laugh together.

A bit like this one.

Oh, wait. And this one.

Paging Mr van Gaal? It might be time to drop your trousers again. They seem to work better with the fear of god in ‘em.


By Kelly Welles

Gary Neville, Louis van Gaal, Sir Alex Ferguson

Any relationship becomes stale over time. Even the most passionate.

The truth is, we love you, Ramblers. We’ve been together for a long time, but we’re worried that the concept of a free weekly podcast full of searing analysis and sardonic humour might have become stale for you.

Late at night, when we’re asleep you might be sneaking to the computer, looking at other football media, thinking about other football shows presented by different blokes and contemplating how much greener their pitch looks than ours.


So we’ve done something about it. We’ve smartened ourselves up. We got haircuts and new shirts. Began experimenting with other social media platforms. Facebook. Instagram. YouTube.


That’s right. You can see our faces. See us in costumes. What we’d look like if we all had a beard like Roy Keane’s. Realise that far from being a nefarious Gollum type we keep in the basement, Pete is a nattily dressed chap who knows how to operate a pocket square.

That Marcus bears a passing resemblance to a lot of handsome chaps, not just Peter Andre & Paul Peschisolido. James or Jim doesn’t look like Ellen Degeneres and it is but a vicious rumour perpetuated by the aforementioned that Luke’s beard looks like it is made from hay.


Bask in us, Ramblers. You might as well. You can’t avoid us. We’re everywhere now.


By Kelly Welles

Football Ramble Live

As you’ll be aware, the patented Luke Moore Penalty Algorithm (patent pending) was a crucial factor in your enjoyment of the World Cup.

Indeed, a recent survey concluded that 97% of the Ramble demographic would be UNABLE to continue enjoying football without access to the algorithm. Fearing that without immediate action, the game as we know it might die out, Luke spent several minutes over the summer testing and developing the algorithm, eager to play his part.

His findings were presented to an audience of respected academics in the United States, with early exit polls indicating that football is now safe.

The Football Ramble. Influencing the game. You’re welcome.


By Kelly Welles



See that? That bloke diving to his right, realising he’s made a mistake, scrambling to his feet, diving to his left and making the save anyway ISN’T EVEN A KEEPER.

He’s Michael Tarnat, a man who began Bayern Munich’s Bundesliga fixture vs. Frankfurt in September 1999 in defence, before watching not one, but two keepers capitulate to injury and manfully stepping into the breach.

You want more?

When he played for Manchester City he scored this absolute blunderbuss of a free kick.

Tarnat is now a talent scout for Bayern Munich. Figures.


By Kelly Welles


H/T @gabeh7.

Bayern Munich, Manchester City, Michael Tarnat


At first glance, this stunning footage (shot prior to Argentina’s friendly with the USA on March 26, 2011) of Lionel Messi scoring twice from one kick is just further confirmation that he is the finest player ever to tread god’s green turf.


Then you remember Darren Bent did it for Sunderland in a Premier League match in 2009 and you’re confronted with the possibility that, for at least thirteen seconds of his life, Lionel Messi might have been inspired to emulate the work of England’s second most unfortunate striker.

It’s a funny old game.


By Kelly Welles

Liverpool, Barcelona, Lionel Messi, Sunderland, Darren Bent, Beachball

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